August 9, 2024 by Mike Madden

Penelope Pitstop

Fence Follies 

There was a spell of fine weather recently, and with so much upheaval in the kitchen I decided to spend more time in the garden. This turned out to be a job that never ends. I first tackled the uncontrolled growth on the road side of the fence. Bags and bags of foliage were removed.  At this point I discovered that the foliage, mainly Portuguese laurel and ivy, was the only thing holding a section of the fence up. So, I braced it with wood and it might just about survive.

It still needed some TLC, so I got Ole and Zac to secure some of the slats with nails. This did not start well, as Zac rested the open box of nails on top of the fence. Within seconds it had fallen, spilling the contents everywhere. Eventually they started to work as a team, with Zac hammering and Ole acting as nail monkey. Unfortunately there are sections where more than a nail is required.

“You hold it, I’ll hammer it”

My next option was screws, and then more bracing as the lower bars of the fence were completely rotten. It is now serviceable again, and with a lick of paint it could be as good as new. However, I give it 2-3 years before a full replacement is required!

A Throne For M’Lady

Elsewhere, I had several other things to repair. First up was the red bench that I made during lockdown. This needed a strap to strengthen the seat, and I soon discovered that drilling through steel is a lot harder than you might think. Somewhat easier was the repair to a purely decorative wooden chair, that I then painted ready for Christmas decorations. Yes you read that correctly!

A Christmas decoration

There were a pair of cast iron bench ends that had been in the garden since before lockdown. There was also a cast iron chair that was falling apart. I would have done something with them at the same time as the red bench.  However, working with the cast iron, where none of the holes line up, is a bit of a nightmare. So I gave myself just enough time to forget this important fact, and then embarked upon a project to create two garden chairs.

There was a lot of cursing and reworking, but eventually I finished them. I then painted them gold so that Sally could have her very own garden thrones!

Expecting royalty!

Three Steps To Heaven

Finally, I resurrected a path of garden steps. These are not quite finished yet as I need to line them with ferns to hide the membrane. So far I have been up and down them several times without a mishap.

Garden steps holding up remarkably well

Cool For Cats

In the kitchen the builders finished and the bi-fold doors were fitted. When fully open they created a wide expanse, and the cats loved it. Bo bought a bird in to show her appreciation, then she caught another animal. Thomas thought that he would have a piece of it, but Bo whacked him and he soon backed off. However, the entente cordiale soon returned as they were too hot to fight in the sunshine!

Perhaps its all an act, and they are really trying to re-enact a moody boy-band duo from the 1980s.

The peace was shattered when Sally’s friend Julie brought her dachshund puppy round for a visit. Bo, sensibly, made herself scarce. Big brave Thomas puffed himself up to twice his normal size, sniffed at the excitable puppy, and then ran away!

Bo knows how to take herself off

My Kingdom For A Kitchen

Despite the completion of the bi-fold doors, the kitchen was far from finished. There was still the alarm, tiles, kitchen fitter, more electrics, more gas and plumbing, and decorating to do.

The kitchen arrived, and our already cramped space was soon filled. Only another few months….

The pizza oven has been put to good use. Pizzas, naturally, chicken kebabs, steaks, bread and turkey burgers have all come out of the Spanish dome.

Turkey burgers straight from the pizza oven

When we got the oven back I made individual sticky ginger puddings which were a big hit.

Sticky ginger puddings

Horse Treats

With all of our racing exploits terminology can sometimes be confusing. After talking about Gabi, the groom for Star Of Lady M at one of her races, Ole looked puzzled. “Surely you mean the bride?” he asked. Meanwhile, after victory at Thirsk Clive was a little surprised that we were in the Bowling Club just a couple of hours later. “You’ve got down from Scotland a bit quick. Did you fly?” he asked. I had to point out that Thirsk was actually in North Yorkshire.

Haunted House

The race at York was an eventful occasion, particularly after we got back to the hotel and had expensive sandwiches in the historic drawing room. Ole was impressed when I told him that the hotel would make us sandwiches. Less so when I told him the cost! Myself, Greg from the US, Ole and Zac took our seats, and we were the only people there. The sandwiches arrived and we tucked in.

The Lady In Red

I mentioned that when my sister Fiona was there she saw a lady in a flowing red dress in the garden, but when we looked she had gone. Middlethorpe Hall is mentioned in the book “Ghosts Of York” and it looks like the kind of place that could well be haunted. We were about ready to retire for the night, when a door opened and a lady in a red dress walked past us. She went to a table, picked something up, and walked past us again, saying a brief “goodnight” before disappearing.

“Tell me I’m not the only one who saw that,” Zac said, seriously considering that he had seen a ghost.

Ole was a little more cynical. “She’s a paid actor,” he said. “The hotel heard us talking and sent her out for effect.”

I’m not sure he had thought about the logistics of having an actor waiting just in case anyone mentioned the ghosts, and then timing her entrance almost to the second. I prefer the explanation that she was indeed a ghost!

The following morning things took an even more bizarre turn. Zac asked Ole where the toothpaste was, and Ole told him that it was in the bathroom. A short time later Zac emerged from the bathroom, and Ole went in to collect his toiletries.

“Why have you been using my moisturiser?” he asked, and a penny dropped with Zac.

“I thought it tasted a bit funny,” he said, “and when I read the tube I wondered why anyone would want to moisturise their teeth.”

Naughty In Nottingham

At Nottingham the whole day was a bit chaotic. It was Ladies Day, and the racecourse had moved the owners to a small balcony and a separate dining room. They tried to get the day off to a good start, but it backfired with Lady M.

“Prosecco madam?” the waitress asked.

“Prosecco?” Lady M replied with a sneer, “No thanks!” and that was that!

Afterwards, Sally fell foul of the notorious Nottingham one way systems. She drove down one particular street and was supposed to turn right at the roundabout. Unfortunately she missed that sign, and went straight ahead down a road reserved for buses. A bystander waved his arms, so she stopped. The helpful chap said she wasn’t supposed to be on that road. To make matters worse, Nottingham Forest were about to kick off against Chelsea. The place was crawling with police officers.

“What should I do?” asked Sally. “Should I do a u-turn?”

The man considered for a moment, then said “Well there are cameras on every lamppost so you’ve probably been caught anyway. What harm, can a u-turn do?”

Sally duly swung her vehicle round, and, much to the astonishment of several police officers, she drove away. The remarkable thing was that the expected bunch of tickets never actually arrived.

The Racing Line

Sally’s driving came to the fore in a very different way after another trip to York. The drama occurred on Torside, the winding shortcut that leads to the Woodhead Pass, although we were unaware of it at the time.

It was Dale Jones who notified us, as by chance he had been sent a Tik-Tok link. The link showed Sally swing wide to cut the corner of a bend, and the man behind was obviously videoing her. There are many blind bends on that road, but this was not one of them. However, this did not deter the amateur videographer and self-appointed arbiter of driving competence. He made derogatory remarks about middle-aged women and Range Rover drivers, but his smug post backfired on him.

The vast majority of the comments were in favour of Sally, with the highlight being that she must either be a trained police officer, or an advanced driving practitioner. Others stated that she was simply taking the “Racing Line”! I decided against commenting, content in the knowledge that the reason our very own Penelope Pitstop went wide into the bend was because she was playing a game with herself to increase her miles per gallon. If she had hugged the inside she would have had to brake, thereby reducing her mpg. I am sure you will have seen similar on Wacky Races.

Perfectly Poached

A fine poached egg (even if I do say so myself!)

Errant Errwood

Fernilee reservoir can get a bit busy at certain times of the year, so Sally, myself and Helen headed for Errwood. It was a relaxing walk, with some challenging parts, and I’m convinced Sally was only taking pictures and videos in the hope of catching me falling into the river.

What could possibly go wrong?

Motoring With Zac

We’ve had a couple of car related incidents involving Zac, the first of which involved Sally’s car being moved. Its an automatic, and huge compared to Zac’s little runaround. When it was not where she had left it, and she had not moved it, I said I had not moved it, but Zac openly admitted that he had done it. Its a worrying trend as he’s never driven an automatic before, and he is certainly not insured!

On another occasion he was parked in the Walters Wood turning circle. His cousin Jake pulled alongside, so Zac let his window down and said “I’m Zac Madden.”

“I know who you are,” Jake replied.

Zac realised who he was and said, “Sorry, I thought you were the Domino’s driver.”

Growing Pains

Ole returned from a lads weekend in Wales later than expected, because he had to stop several times on the way back to throw up. It is easy to see that he is growing up as he admitted he had alcohol poisoning rather than blaming it on something he ate!

Double Dutch

My UK based business took an odd turn recently when a client offered me lots of contracts if I could set up a Dutch subsidiary. I’ve dealt with the Dutch before, and I know that it is a very difficult language to get to grips with, Fortunately, Google Translate has improved a lot.

I managed to get the company registered with the Dutch chamber of commerce, and it was supposedly automatic that I would receive my VAT number, a crucial element to doing business in The Netherlands. This did not happen, and it was apparently because my activities were not VATable, but no problem, I could change them on the KVK website.

So, I did. Then I had to prove that I was authorised to make the changes. For that I needed a DIGID. This is a Dutch identity card. As I’m not Dutch I do not have one of those, but no problem, I could use my Dutch passport if I am ex pat Dutch. But I’m not! No problem, just print off the form and post it off! Post? In 2024? Anyway, I posted it off and the activities were duly changed, but it turns out that it is nothing to do the activities. As it turns out the fact that I am not Dutch means that I must register as a foreign entrepreneur. This I have now done, but I have very little faith that I have negotiated all of the complex steps to get this done. I will keep you posted!

Bloody Mary? No – Peach!

“Don’t be such a Peach Mary”. That was the latest “insult” aimed by Zac in his mum’s direction. No idea what it means, and I’m not sure he does either. Any clues?

Falling Off

Its been a while – but eventually I got another of those phone calls. “Sally has fallen off Nancy. She’s ok but she’s gone to The Cottage at Buxton to have it checked out.”

I got a lift to Buxton so that I could drive her car home, and she was still at The Cottage. I went in just as she was seeing the doctor, and apparently the length of her wait meant the radiographer had gone home, so no X-Rays were available.

They advised taking her to Stepping Hill, so we drove down there, and with an expected wait of several hours I left her to it. Several hours later I picked her up, with a fractured clavicle and strapping to keep the joint in place. A week or so later it was clear that the joint was not healing, and so shoulder surgery was required. This happened quite quickly, and then it was the long, slow process of recovery and recuperation. After six weeks she has exhausted her brownie points, but I’ve no doubt that they will magically reappear when she needs them!

This included one day when I actually had to muck out the stable. What’s the going rate for that?

Anyway, she’s back on the horse now, cantering rather than galloping. Nancy seems none the worse for the experience.

Back With A Bang

Star Of Lady M went to Thirsk in May, a course where she had run badly the previous year when she was still returning to fitness. Its a lovely course, and we spent a while chatting to Tim Easterby, as well as his son Thomas and travelling head lad Geordie. They were intrigued about the recent murder in the village of Whaley Bridge, but that is not for these pages!

Stable apprentice Mark Winn took the ride, and as we met in the parade ring he told me that David’s instructions were “just do what Mike says”. So, I told him to break well, tuck in behind the early pace, and pounce late. He did exactly that, and came home for an easy victory. He was as excited as anyone as he aims for the champion apprentice trophy.

The presentation was followed by the usual champagne, and then Thirsk took back their memento, a two-handled cup, that they then sent to be engraved with our colours and the race details. When it arrived a few weeks later it was certainly worth the wait.

Mark Winn brings home the victorious Star Of Lady M

Win number 8

The trophy from Thirsk

No To Nottingham

Our next stop was at Nottingham, and I was a little concerned that our filly had only had a break of 7 days since her last race, this one was over an additional furlong, and she carried a huge weight. Mark Winn was once again on board, and he gave the saddle to us to feel how heavy it was. It weighed a ton, and they wisely wanted to keep it off her back until the last possible minute.

The Nottingham experience was disappointing, as it was Ladies Day and the owners’ facility was moved to accommodate the large crowd. This meant that we had a tiny viewing area, which we actually vacated to take up a far from ideal position at the end of the track.

Our fears were realised when she raced steadily but was eased down into last place. She was not beaten far, but the racecourse vet took a look at her, just to confirm that all was ok, and we could certainly learn a few lessons from our trip to the East Midlands course.

Nottingham may have come too soon

Leafy Lingfield

We gave her three and a half weeks off before a trip to Lingfield for a 5f contest. Oisin Murphy took the ride but we were drawn 6 of 6, the worst possible position. Sally could not make the trip as she was recovering from shoulder surgery, but Oisin provided another touch of class by recording a video wishing her a speedy recovery. Star struggled to get any cover in a tightly packed bunch, eventually finished 5th. Oisin was apologetic but there was nothing he could do, and he gave us the confidence that she could win again off her current mark. After the race there were none of the winning connections around, so myself and the connections of 2nd placed Almaty Star were invited in for champagne!

Oisin studying his options at Lingfield

But even he couldn’t overcome the outside draw

Yes To York

After a few considerations our next stop was York for another fillies only handicap over six furlongs. There was still a nagging doubt about her ability to last 6 furlongs, but a bigger concern at York was once again the draw. Drawn 1 of 11, Danny Tudhope had no choice but to drop her out the back. To make it worse the whole field tracked to the stands rail, so we had to cover about ten lengths before the race actually began. She ran on well at the end and finished 5th, nicking a bit of prizemoney and putting recent defeats behind her.

Star Of Lady M looking magnificent at York

I had an American friend over, so together with Sally, Ole and Zac we enjoyed the fine hospitality provided by York Owners restaurant, and had a brilliant day.

Afterwards, Sally retired to recover from her surgery, whilst our driver Terry took the rest of us to the pub to watch Germany destroy Scotland, and we managed to get an Uber back to Middlethorpe for the bargain price of £3.38. What happened next is documented above!

Happy Haydock

It was a quick turnaround, just eight days, to her next run at Haydock. It was a real family affair, as my 3 sisters joined us, as well as Sally, Gabi, and granddaughter Nixie. Mark Winn took the ride, which was great as he had won on her at Thirsk, and the majority of the top riders were at Ascot. It was a fillies only race over 5 furlongs, but we were once again given the worst draw in 1. We could have gone for the Listed Land O’Burns at Ayr, a race in which old rival Pepsi Cat finished 4th, but Haydock was a much more chilled out evening for the Class 4 contest.

As ever we tried to get cover in the early part of the race. Mark did well, but we were quickly out in the open. Miss Attitude won from Love Wars, but we were a very creditable two lengths back in 3rd, well clear of the rest, having raced out wide for the entire time. Afterwards, Haydock invited us for champagne anyway, and Nixie tucked in to the cakes that were on offer.

She ran a fine race from a bad draw at Haydock

Challenging At Chelmsford

Full of optimism, we considered entries at Epsom, Beverley and Doncaster. Epsom was a bit of a surprise, but then Oisin Murphy was jocked up so we would be happy to go there. Doncaster looked the next best option, but instead I suggested we added a race at Chelmsford. Skipping Doncaster could have been a mistake as there were only 8 runners, and on the day three of these were non-runners leaving just 5. However, in racing you have to learn to have no regrets, and we decided that Chelmsford was our best option.

There were just 11 entries for the Class 3 5f event, and several of these looked like they might go elsewhere. As it turned out only One Night Stand did not declare, so there were ten of us in the stalls including Night On Earth who finished 4th just two days earlier.

Third Time Lucky

Danny Tudhope took  the ride, and we were given the best draw in 1. That was the 3rd stall 1 on the bounce, but for once it was in our favour.

Danny broke well, but he was forced a little wide when he came to make a move at the top of the straight. She finished well but could not quite get to the winner The Thames Boatman. Second place was a brilliant result, and she won more for that than she would have got for winning at Doncaster. This surprised David who didn’t seem to be aware that it was a £25,000 race.

Star Of Lady M loved a scratch after her Chelmsford second

It was a great afternoon at the Essex course, where I was joined by my sister and brother-in-law, as well as Sally’s cousin from Kent and his wife and daughter. The good thing about racing regularly in the south is that you get to see lots of familiar faces. The owners of Almaty Star were there (they finished 3rd), as was Michelle Fernandes who we last met at a rainy Chelmsford last December. We met the owners of Stenton Glider who had travelled down from our neck of the woods, and it was a very relaxed atmosphere despite the occasional heavy showers.

Number One At Newmarket

Her run of not getting her head in front was growing, but she was still in great form. Her next entry was a bit of a surprise, another fillies only contest over six furlongs at Newmarket. There were other options, and after previous doubts about whether she would actually stay six, to try her on the stiff finish of the Newmarket July course seemed ambitious. Oisin Murphy was on Andrew Balding’s horse, and Danny Tudhope was riding at Newbury, so we would have to find a jockey.

When it came to declarations David was easy and he left it to me. Star would be going up 2lbs in the weights the following day after our gallant second at Chelmsford, and there was nothing else before Goodwood, so I said we might as well go for it. We got ex champion jockey Jim Crowley and we were drawn 5 of 10, right in the middle so cover should not be a problem.

You can read the previous edition here

A Measured Response