June 27, 2020 by Mike Madden

Ciabatta And Chocolate Cake

The interminable lockdown continues, but I have been as busy as ever, with gardening, chocolate cake and DIY all on the agenda! I am working on projects for Google (GCP) and Buyanom by day, whilst still managing to make dinner with some careful planning. And there are good reasons for that.

The Kitchen

First of all I asked Sally to cook something. It was not a complicated task! Five minutes later the smoke alarm is blaring throughout the house. Secondly, I asked Ole and Zac to make dinner. They decided on burgers, and somewhat ambitiously got the grinder out of the cupboard. 20 minutes later two burgers had been made, the grinder was very hot, and there was a lot of cursing.

“Its rubbish,” said Ole.

“Nothing is coming out,” said Zac.

The grinder is not an industrial on; it can get blocked. I started to take it apart. Funnel, corkscrew, fastener, mince wheel…

“Where’s the…” I said.

“You mean this?” Ole interrupted, holding up the cutting blade. “We took it out as it was blocking everything.”

So they had basically been trying to push chunks of steak through very small holes. I suggested they put the two already made burgers back into the mix and start again!

Can’t Beet It

In an unrelated episode Sally bought some raw beetroot.

She put it on the stove to cook and went about her business. Ole looked puzzled. “Should I turn it off?” he asked. “No – it will be fine,” said mum. I nudged him, and said, “that will be forgotten”. Sure enough, an hour or so later, Sally had left and gone to the farm. I got a call. “Can you turn the beetroot off?” “You called it dad,” said Ole. “Experience and orphaned pan lids,” I said. I then removed the heat that was starting to meld the beetroot into the enamel of yet another pan.

Orphans

Ciabatta

June was definitely Ciabatta month, and I found a great recipe. The first attempt was ok; I left the “Biga” for 4 hours to mature before starting the full baking process.

A good first try, but my second attempt was a revelation. This time I left the Biga overnight, and left the dough much stickier. I realised I would probably need a bigger bowl!

The finished bread was magnificent, even if I do say so myself. The proof of the pudding, as they say! It had all gone a very short time later.

Anyway, I have now ordered a bigger bowl – so expect a lot more breadmaking in the near future!

Chocolate

Chocolate cake has been a popular choice over the last few weeks, and any time really! I made a Genoese sponge with chocolate buttercream…

…and it seemed to be going down rather quickly.

“Zac, how much cake have you had?
“A normal amount”
“And how many times have you had a normal amount?”
“Twice. Not counting after tea.”

So three then – but that still did not account for all of the missing cake.

“Sally, have you had any cake?”
“I’ve had chocolate egg.”
“That’s not what I asked – have you had any cake?”
“I might have had a sliver.”

Honestly – you have to be on your toes! I am thinking of diverting the Ring doorbell for my next one.

I also made Gypsy creams, mainly because I wanted a good picture for Mmm…No2…Cookbook.

These are a great biscuit for dunking – and very moreish. Its a shame they stopped making them – and if they started again they would probably have to change the name to appease the PC brigade!

Another popular dish has been Mexican lentil soup. Depsite the hot weather this is quite refreshing, with the chilli giving it a real kick,

The Garden

The vegetable patch is coming along famously and we have already tucked into plenty of fresh lettuce. Sally says its expensive in the shops – I reckoned we have saved around £4.75 up to now!

Ole questioned the merits of this – “will it taste of soil?” I assured him that it would be totally organic and free from chemicals. “Chemicals that make it taste nice,” he responded. There is no hope for the youth of today, and Zac didn’t help when I extolled the virtues of picking peas and eating them straight out of the pod, “There’s no way I am eating raw peas!” and bearing in mind he eats less than 10 peas at a single sitting this will definitely be an uphill struggle.

The beans took a while to get going, but now they are climbing away…

…and the pumpkins are adapting to their new surroundings.

The most eagerly anticipated crop is beetroot. Everyone tells us it is difficult to grow!

Of course, I put the success down to the scarecrow keeping all of those pesky birds at bay!

The Bench

For those that know me this next story may seem a little unbelievable, I made a garden bench. Sally moved a dilapidated bench to the vegetable patch. I suggested it should be thrown away, as the wood was completely rotted. With a venomous undertone she suggested that she had had the bench for a long time, and it would be akin to throwing away her childhood. So, I set about restoring it. I measured the wood that was left to work out what was needed. Then I dismantled the dilapidated relic.

As I did so I realised that the metalwork would also need renovation, and my original idea of throwing it away seemed a lot more appealing. Drinkwaters supplied some sturdy wood. I sawed it and chiselled it, and I gave it a couple of coats of misty blue paint. Then it was rust removal time! This would have been a lot easier with a flat piece of metal, but ornate bench ends are not great for wire brushes. I got some attachments for the power drill, and I displaced quite a bit of the old paint and rust. Next I got some rust remover, and this did as good as a job as I could have hoped for. Finally, I applied spray paint, and left the black ends to dry.

Construction

Putting it all together was probably the hardest part, as some of the screws were in awkward positions, especially with the added complication of a lever that allows the bench to face both ways. But, I persevered, and eventually a sturdy bench appeared. I am not sure how many times the metalwork has been replaced in the past, or, indeed, the wood (thanks Trigger). But to Sally it is now back to its original glory. Childhood saved!

Zac

Lockdown has been tough on Zac, in so many different ways. He looked for a lightsaber; unfortunately the one that he wanted was too expensive. Then eBay came to the rescue and he got one for around £3. It suprised him when it arrived, as it had been posted through the letterbox. It had been extracted from a MacDonald’s Happy Meal, rather than being a life-sized replica from Star Wars!

Football has been abandoned for the season, and he is not one to voluntarily indulge in exercise. However, he did go to the football field with a couple of mates. An hour later he returned to announce, “I am going for a little bath, I think I have earned it!”

Trying to build on that we suggested a family walk. “We can go up to the cricket field, or up to Eccles Pike?” mum suggested. “I am not going anywhere that involves the word up,” he replied.

Cycling

Last week he walked with his mates from Whaley to Combs, then he called me to drop my bike off so he could cycle back. Unfortunately he cycled back a bit too far, and ended up in the middle of Whaley. Undeterred, he walked over Old Road and arrived back in one piece. Two days later he is still complaining that he can no longer walk properly!

His favourite late night drink is hot chocolate. However, he is not to be fooled. He has a reputation as a super taster, and this was once again borne out as Sally tried to hoodwink him. They may look like Cadbury’s but they certainly don’t taste like Cadbury’s and he would not budge. After several attempts at bluff and bare-faced lies, Sally had to admit that she had tried to mix some Spanish hot chocolate with the Cadbury’s, and that it would taste the same. It clearly did not, and that might have had something to do with the Spanish stuff being 8 years out of date.

Zac’s mood was not helped when it was my turn to select which takeaway we would get. I said that there’s a new frozen yoghurt place in Buxton – we could go there. Zac was gobsmacked. No chippy, no Chinese, no Indian, no pizza? He suspected a rat. “Frozen yoghurt? Is that even a thing? I’m Googling it!” We ended up at the wonderful Frydays.

Yoghurt

And speaking of yoghurt, Sally regretted not putting her readers on when she indulged in scones with strawberry jam and cream. They just didn’t taste quite right.

Ole

Ole’s lockdown has been a very different beast to Zac’s, with daily workouts a regular part of his routine. “I’ve done weights and cardio. What have you done?” he asked his brother. “I’ve had four more hours in bed than you have,” was the technically accurate reply.

Ole finally finished his uni work, and he received the marks for his last piece. He is optimistic about his final grade which should be released in July. Meanwhile, the trailer for his film “White Light” has been posted on Youtube, with the full release on Amazon Prime Video on 17th July. It is one in a series of five or six short films, with the first released on 3rd July.

The trailer is here:-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuZnGbI-tGE

His audition to play a 15 year old for the BBC did not result in a role, but they contacted his agent to give him very good feedback, which is unusual. Ole then went on to say that at his BUPA ad, for which he has been paid handsomely, he also got good feedback from a friend of his agent, across both of the days of his filming. Zac listened along with a certain detachment before announcing, “I’ve had enough of your showboating!”

Its the time of year when everything becomes due all at once. I sorted out Ole’s car tax and insurance, and told him he needed an MOT. “What again?” was his stunned and possibly annual response.

Back To Work

Sally’s return to work as a volunteer at Stepping Hill seems to result in an endless supply of goodies donated by local businesses. At first it was primarily Easter Eggs, but last week a box of low sugar granola appeared. Having tasted it I can see why they had to give it away!

She also managed to sneak off for a haircut in the garden of her hairdresser in Buxton. She was a bit miffed when on her return I asked if her hairdresser was unable to do it (it was a joke!), whilst Ole said nothing at all. “Let’s see what Zac says,” she said, wondering if her youngest would pay her a compliment. “Says about what?” asked Zac. “You mean about mum always having a go at us?” Mum decided not to continue her search for platitudes.

I was a bit worried after a trip to the farm when it appeared that Nelly was ill. Sure enough, a couple of days later she was on antibiotics. Fortunately she has made a full recovery and is back to eating anything and everything, though strawberries are a particular favourite.

New Technology

I bought a portal for my mum so that she could keep in touch with her family during lockdown. She is just about getting used to it. Its a bit difficult to explain to someone who has only just dispensed with a proper wired dial phone how to swipe with your finger! She now enjoys video chats with her sister in Canada and several others. The portal is so impressive that it has become a must-have gadget, so now Sally and Gabi have them too. Who will be next?

Sport

The country is showing signs of returning to normal, with the Bundesliga back on our screens. Initially it was a strange experience without fans, but then La Liga reappeared, followed by the Premier League. Sadly, it looks like the domestic amateur cricket season will be all but wiped out. That is a real shame as the ground at Whaley Bridge looks magnificent!

I was saddened to hear of the death of Stranglers keyboard player Dave Greenfield. Together with Jean Jacques Burnel, in my opinion he was the Stranglers. They have announced that they will still play a farewell tour later this year, and it will be interesting to see who replaces Dave. I certainly hope that they release the film that we saw previewed in Brixton last year.

Here is my interview with the director David Boni

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/17050242

Facebook scams and Clickbaits seem to be thriving in lockdown (see previous posts). I can also categorically state that having not done the ice bucket challenge, I will not be posting 10 albums, 10 happy moments, or 10 footballers either!

Fathers Day was interesting as the boys bought me a turntable. They had never seen vinyl before, and they were fascinated that one single groove produced the music. They were less than impressed that an LP, when both sides were considered, contained around 12 songs!

The Road Ahead

So what does the future hold? Well, Buyanom is launching in the US, and although the Live Projects were curtailed this year we still have plans for next. Our pub app Pub-Head is still progressing, and although pubs are still locked down, we are hoping for a big launch in the autumn. One sponsor is already on board!

So, we have been indulging ourselves during lockdown, and I splashed out on some Birra Moretti glasses. I have already abused them – this is actually Magners with ice. Cheers!

May 9, 2020 by Mike Madden

Lockdown

Strange Times

Strange times that we live in! My last blog post did not foresee the many weeks of lockdown that has followed, and whilst Broccoli & Cheese soup, Tomato & Mozzarella salad, and chicken fajitas were unremarkable at the time, little did I know that several of the ingredients would become as rare as hens teeth within few days.

Thinking back, my first trip to Tesco after the toilet roll crisis was announced was interesting. I only wanted a few bits, and with my rucksack on my back I cycled to the store. The queue stretched around the car park, so I decided to try again later. By this time the queue to get in to the car park was backed up on to the main road. When I finally did manage to get through the doors, it was to scenes of devastation. The toilet roll shelves were bare, as expected, but what I did not expect was a complete absence of pasta and tomato based products. Had everyone turned Italian? I can only imagine the disastrous lasagnes and bologneses from people clearly unused to using such stuff. Ironically, I noticed that there was an abundance of fresh tomatoes.

Checking Out

Of course, we were not properly locked down by this stage, that would come. A few days later I decided to try my luck again, this time on a normally quiet Sunday morning. It was busier than usual, and most customers seem to opt for the self checkouts.

I noticed that, as well as trying to keep their distance, people seemed to have adopted a strange version of sign language in an attempt to remain silent, and presumably avoid anything leaving their mouths (particularly the Covid-19 virus). It was especially noticeable around the self checkouts, and it was fascinating watching a man try to tell the assistant that the barcode had fallen off his aubergine without the use of words. It was like a dystopian version of Give Us A Clue. I was tempted to remove more barcodes just to see how the game progressed.

Sally announced, “We need to ration like they did in the war’, then after a brief pause she added, “I’ll get Curly Wurlys”.

Working From Home

With all of this disruption to everyday life it is somewhat ironic that I am busier than ever! I finished my contract in Leeds / Kiev, but continued to work from home for Google, with a few other clients wanting this and that doing as well. I know from past experience that working from home requires a certain element of discipline, and with Ole, Zac and Sally all omnipresent it is going to be even more of a challenge. Before I left Leeds I did discover one thing. “Biscuit Tea” is not very nice, despite what they tell you in Yorkshire.

I did manage to record a few more shows for Ex Pat Radio, including with Suzi Quatro and Steve Harley. Steve was a real gent with plenty of stories. Suzi reminisced about the changes in music and her continuing desire to create wonderful songs.

You can listen to them here:-

Surviving The Lockdown

I discovered, before the imposition of the lockdown, was that Cocoa and Hazelnut butter is a wonderful addition to home-made granola bars. Sadly, everyone else seems to have discovered this too – so it is quite a rarity on the shelves!

Added to the list of items that are scarce is flour, but I did manage to get hold of some spelt flour, made from an ancient grain. Anyway, it made a wonderful soda bread, ready from scratch in about 45 minutes.

It is perhaps as well, as the fridge was beginning to look like a sorry place. Sally had left me some of her home made leek soup, which if previous attempts are anything to go by will be leeks simmered in water, hence the aforementioned broccoli and cheese soup.

You will have noticed that many people are concerned about drinking too much during this period of isolation, and Sally is no exception. In fact, she appears to have included Bombay Sapphire gin as a salad dressing!

The lockdown started in the week of St Patrick’s Day, so while I still could I enjoyed a final pint of Guinness…

…before launching in to my latest version of St Patrick’s Day cake, for which I have to turn this…

…into this!

Its not advisable to drive after a slice.

Setting A Routine

Sally decided to volunteer to help out the NHS, so I suggested that her scrubs might not fit after so long away from the job. That led to a period of enforced self isolation. Anyway, return she did, and she seems to have spent her first shift putting pictures on the wall for a “Tunnel Of Hope”. More from Blue Peter in the next edition.

Anyway, we quickly settled into a routine. I’m working so Sally is in charge of the shopping, with weekly deliveries from MacBurnham’s and Tomson’s providing some very high quality stuff – a bit more expensive – but so much better than supermarket crap. Sally gets her daily exercise up at the stable with Nancy, and I have been on my bike. It has been very quiet on the roads. I have used the lack of traffic to include the bypass on my route. I then go up to Chapel market place where I pass the Co-Op which never seems to be busy. My route definitely avoids the canal towpath.

The New Normal

Whaley is a bit weird, with people staying a respectful distance away from each other along the pavements, queuing to go in to the newsagent, chemist etc. Its like someone has done it deliberately to try to make the place look full!

By day 5 of the lockdown Zac had experienced the highs and lows of quarantine. At 6pm he was euphoric. He discovered that there would be no exams this year. However, the impact of having his own teachers allocating his grades has not really sunk in. At 6.01pm he was distraught. “We have got to spend months in this house and we have got no good chocolate.” Then he remembered something! So at 6.02pm he announced, “Ah – there’s all those chocolate eggs mum bought.”

So its goodbye to Easter. Meanwhile, it emerged that anyone who volnteered to be injected with a potential vaccine would receive £35,000. His only comment was “Sign me up!”

Stay Safe

On Easter Sunday I explained that I had not been out and about to buy Easter Eggs, which did not go down well. So, Chapel Co-Op it was to buy whatever Easter goodies they had left. It did the trick, but I pointed out that Sally’s fickle desire for chocolate products could have cost me my life. She was not impressed.

The lockdown has managed to bring out the worst in some people. Scams are on the increase, especially on social media. People must get used to certain facts of life; Morrison’s are not giving away £45 vouchers; Range Rover are not giving away another free vehicle because the previous winner was only 15, and those couples that did not claim their holidays to Majorca or the Maldives? Yeah they don’t exist either. And if everyone who claims to have a friend in Vienna’s laboratory with information on coronavirus actually did have a friend in Vienna’s laboratory, that would be one huge facility! It’s all Clickbait – designed to get your information and worse. Just don’t! My Facebook timeline seems to be clogged with ads for games and IQ apps. Don’t think I will be going anywhere near those.

Of course, with no live sport, gambling sites are struggling to make ends meet. Nevertheless, Sally backed the winner of the virtual Grand National. Paddy Power (and I am sure they are not alone) advertised specials on two Argentina Primera D matches – clearly just for those who need a fix. Give it a rest lads – when the fun stops – stop!

Ole On Film

Ole was discussing his agent when as if by magic another job came in. This job was a callback for a role at the BBC. Everywhere was still locked down, but they were considering Skype auditions. He then received a request for a self-tape for Hollyoaks, which he duly completed. He could be really busy when we finally get let out again.

One of his friends saw the Bupa mental health ad that he featured in, though we have not managed to catch it yet. This is actually quite important. If he is in the finished ad he gets a significantly increased fee! His starring role in “White Light” has been slightly delayed. It is now due to be released on Amazon Prime Video on 17th July, one day after his 21st. This Oxygen Films production promises to be a bit edgy to say the least, but it has got him a headline role on their website.

https://www.oxygenfilms.co.uk/

The Kitchen

Of course, one of the hardest things to do during lockdown is to eat healthily, and Ole has already been through several stages of this. Chicken sausages were all the rage until mum panic bought several packs. At this point he decided to move on. He switched to high protein stuff, and followed this with some sort of strange time-based diet. This meant that he would regularly venture into the kitchen to announce that he had just 30 minutes left to eat that day. Whereupon he proceeded to devour whatever was in the fridge.

Which brings me back to the kitchen, and with hungry mouths to feed I have been experimenting. All of this goes towards Mmm…No2…Cookbook, the only piece of writing I have managed to progress during the lockdown. I have now assembled 61 recipes, and I am almost at the editing stage, so it should be about done for July! The final recipe to make it in to the book is mini cheesecakes with a ginger crumb base. These were a great success. Just need to give the base a bit more crunch – but they have definitely earned their place.

I got my grinder out and made some very passable chicken sausages. Ole liked them, before his announcement that he was not eating them any more. However, Zac did not care for the texture which was a bit chickeny.

I also repeated my brisket recipe, with a fabulous piece of meat from MacBurnhams. Slow roasted until it fell apart!

As stated earlier I have become quite adept at making soda bread. I then found Paul Hollywood’s recipe for a loaf, and it turned out to be a great find. His use of oil and a water bath gave fantastic results, light bread with a very crusty crust!

The Freezer

One culinary job that was long overdue (more than ten years as it turned out), was to defrost the freezer. I delved in to the chest freezer and turfed out packets, bags, tubs, and so much more. Very little was still in date. At first I thought these were bad enough…

…but then I found some more sausage rolls from 2009. There were at least 40 different ice lollies, some of which were impossible to identify, and as I frantically Googled “safe to eat” dates I discovered that ice cream only lasts about 3 months. So the chest freezer is almost empty, and after a similar exercise with the American fridge, I can confirm that we have way too much freezer space.

Outdoors

The garden is looking better! We decided to put together some raised beds to grow vegetables (not sure how long we think we will be locked down for, but best not to take any chances!).

We started with lettuce and peas, which historically combine to make a Beatles song. Sally added her own touch with a sign, which she then had to redo after the rain washed away the paint. I am not sure I am quite in favour of it, as it just seems to advertise the whereabouts of the vegetables to Peter Rabbit and his chums. Anyone know where Mister McGregor is?

Sally has managed to position some chairs and a cauldron close to the vegetable patch, so if we do ever catch Mister Rabbit…

How bored have you become during the lockdown? I’ve discovered there are 27 different bottles, tubes and tubs of lotion, shampoo, conditioner etc around the bath. Plus a bar of soap. I have not counted the candles.

There are signs that lockdown may be on the brink of being lifted. However, here’s the thing… What if the lockdown is lifted 1st June? I reckon the lager will still be ok (but will soon run out) but craft ales? No chance – they would have to have started brewing a while ago to ensure it’s tip top for June. That’s when the real panic will begin!

Finally, April 23rd. To many of us this is the chance to celebrate the day of our patron saint, St George. For Zac, it had even more significance. It was the day that Frydays reopened!

August 16, 2019 by Mike Madden

A Dam Fine Effort

Well, I knew my village was being partially evacuated, but sat in a hotel restaurant in Kiev on Thursday night and seeing Whaley Bridge on the news brought home the extent of the situation. Before flying home the following day I asked Sally to find out if they wanted any catering. When I landed, I half expected to hear that the dam had collapsed, but no! The emergency services and armed forces would love some hot food, and Tesco in Macclesfield would be happy to provide the ingredients. Fortunately our house was just beyond the evacuation line and we could get into and out of the area, often by a circuitous route. So we got through the roadblocks and set up our “big pan” near to the command centre.

Chilli & Crusty Bread

Some of the workers had been at it none stop for many hours, and they were so grateful for a plate of chilli and some crusty bread.

The PM arrived, and he was very well received! Everyone lined up to shake his hand, and he was happy to chat to anyone and everyone. It was a real morale boost. However, Sally was not happy with any of my pictures, including the one above. So, when Boris returned from the dam she intercepted him. This was the result.

The following day we came back and made paella, and were privileged to see the Chinook land (though we were warned that we could get blown into the middle of next week from the power of the rotor blades).

Sunday it was vegetable balti, and that disappeared quicker than I could make it!

Mouths To Feed

Another 60 or so hungry mouths fed. Some of them were living on crisps and biscuits as they didn’t have time for anything else. It was so pleasing that the “big pan” not only provided sustenance but also a focal point where they could catch their breath and have a moment among the chaos. The Chinook crew literally ran across and asked for a Tupperware box of curry with some naan which they then took into the chopper! No time to stop.

Monday we returned to chilli, and as there was a noticeable reduction in numbers it took a bit longer to shift. It seemed that things were now under control, so we had a night off on Tuesday. However, Wednesday seemed busier than ever. It was a first for the big pan – chicken and potatoes in a barbeque sauce, and it literally flew off the big spoon (every big pan needs a big spoon).

The big pan had quite a following by this time, and someone asked me what its called. “Horace” I said, a spur of the moment thing, but apparently he just wanted to know what TYPE of pan it is. Anyway, Horace seems to have stuck!

Our final pan was the ever reliable chilli, this one especially hot, and I was asked for the recipe so it must have been good. Maybe Mmm…No2…Cookbook needs to be rushed to the press with a special section on Horace and the dam. Proceeds to the emergency services of course!

They didn’t know who we were and we didn’t know who they were, but everyone was working together for the common good. And when you are serving paella to the deserving professionals and one asks ‘do you have a restaurant business in the village?’ it makes it all worthwhile.

Feel The Forces

Total respect for the armed forces and the emergency services, including RNLI, Buxton Mountain Rescue, and so many others as well as the obvious fire, police and ambulance. We were all hoping for a safe and successful outcome, and with the endeavours of these brave and tireless people we had every confidence in what they eventually achieved.

Away from the dam, somehow it has still been a very busy time. Zac went off on his official Duke Of Edinburgh mission, but not without wardrobe adjustments. It was quite a warm weekend, but he decided to dispense with shorts in favour of leggings, so as best to avoid ticks and adders. I suppose that its even more important when you consider that for the 36 hours that he was “in the wild” he avoided any hint of a wash or a change of clothes!

End Of An Era?

The end of my cricketing career is imminent, and a recent weekend at Woodley probably accelerated that. In all the years that I have been playing I like to think that I played the game the right way. I enjoyed my three centuries without gloating, and I begrudgingly applauded the centuries scored against me. My 162 not out against Offerton 2^nd XI will inevitably be a highlight. However, that game against Woodley, where incidentally my hazy memory suggests that may have been where I played my first ever game (apart from on the street using a tennis ball and a lamp post for the wicket), was the first time that I have ever seen physical violence threatened on the field of play.

Umpires stepped in and the game continued, but really, the thought of violence should be far from a cricketer’s mind, and the statutory punishment for such an offence should be a strong deterrent. Alas, I fear that the local game has gone. Contrast this with the emotion, drama and sportsmanship of the World Cup Final the following day, and I wonder whether those encouraged to take up the game after such a wonderful sporting spectacle, will be outnumbered by those leaving with an air of disillusionment as local cricket takes on the ambience of a streetfighting football match. Plus, by the time the next season starts I will be 58. I’m too old for all this.

Fun At The Fringe

Last weekend saw us heading to Edinburgh for the Fringe, or more specifically to see Ole perform in Saturday Night And Sunday Morning. He was already there – having performed 6 of his 8 shows, so it was just Sally, Zac and myself that set off from Whaley Bridge station. Fortunately the trains had resumed, and we reached Piccadilly with a minimum of fuss. When I booked the train tickets there was no way to reserve seats to Edinburgh, and this proved to be indicative of the shambolic service provided by TransPennine Express. Of course, Sally exploited this to the full, as the overcrowded train lurched from station to station. A family tried to convince her that they had reserved the seats that we were sitting in, but they had clearly not read my blog about the time she blagged first class seats as a previous train had been cancelled. “All reservations have been cancelled,” she said, and with such confidence that the family had no option other than to walk away.

Other passengers, also squatting in supposedly reserved seats, applauded her actions. We trundled through three and a half hours to the Scottish capital on a train no better than the one that goes from Buxton to Manchester, and we were glad to get off into the Edinburgh air that had more than just a hint of wacky baccy about it. Our Uber driver was clearly not a local, but we reached our Airbnb, dropped off our bags, and headed for the bright lights.

We met Ole after his Friday show and dashed across the street to Byron’s Burgers. They were ok – I’ve had better – but the Irn Bru was on top form (when in Scotland…).

You may have seen the cows in Manchester and the Frogs in Stockport, well Edinburgh has a lot of young boys, laughing, with their legs open. I have no idea why!

The following day we again hit the Fringe after a hearty Scottish breakfast at the Southern Cross Cafe, then took in a stand up show with Daniel Audritt. He is known for writing for Mock The Week and 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and it was an entertaining hour, albeit in uncomfortable seats. A few drinks and a game of poker passed the afternoon, then it was time for Ole’s show.

The Performance

The theatre was about 2/3 full, and the audience seemed appreciative. The cast were all sad but relieved that it was all over, and we decided to celebrate at Chez Jules. Unfortunately that restaurant was on the other side of town, and it was pouring down. We eventually flagged a taxi, and huddled in to the atmospheric French eaterie. Steak was popular, but Zac took the opportunity to devour a full lobster. Now, when Zac eats, he always eats the tastiest thing on his plate first, followed by the second most, etc. This showed me just how much he enjoyed the shellfish, as he devoured it before he even looked at his chips.

Sunday was home time, and we had to endure another painful experience with Trans Pennine Express. Once again seat reservations were discarded, and the train was hideously overcrowded. I guess that no one told them that the Fringe was on!

Zac has been on form, particularly with his new found love of poker. However, he’s not very good with his poker face, or “polka face” as his mum calls it. He needs to stop the cheesy grin when he has a good hand, and he needs to fold now and again.

Bad, Bad Whisky

Of course, in Edinburgh there were a lot of new sights and sounds. “I like whisky,” he said over dinner one night. “When have you had whisky?” asked his mum. “I’ve tasted it out of that bottle in the hall,” he said. “That’s sherry,” his mum replied.

And then there was the saga of the Microsoft points. Basically, he bought some points but did not know if the transaction had gone through, so he clicked again, and again, and again. Altogether, he overspent by about £130. He contacted Microsoft but they said it was up to Activision who made the COD games that the points are used for. So, he contacted Activision to no avail. Finally, he tried his bank, but HSBC were unable to help as he had authorised the transactions. “No problem,” said Zac. “When I have kids and they want to play COD, I’ll be able to say there’s £130 of COD points to get you started.”

Despite the cooking up at the football field I have still put a few dishes together at home, and I am particularly proud of a perfect dome that emerged when I made a steamed chocolate pudding!

I finally finished a piece of writing. The Hole is a sci-fi short story that I began several years ago. Here are the first few of chapters…

The Hole

I

              Little Tom Baker was quite possibly the only person to see the unusual occurrence that night, he was certainly the only one to mention it, and given that he was an eleven-year-old boy with a fertile imagination, it was quite likely that no one would have believed him anyway. But Little Tom had reason to remember. It was August 11^th, the day before his twelfth birthday, and with the excitement of tomorrow dancing around his head, sleep was the last thing on his mind. He so hoped that he would get the Crisp Ultima scooter. His old JD Bug was ok, but the new Crisp, with its shiny purple and chrome, was the real deal.

              His knees sank into the mattress on his bed as he eased himself upwards. The cold, unforgiving surface of his windowsill pressed into his elbows as he gazed out at the Renwick Community Skatepark.  His breath landed on the window, forming a fog that he smeared with an outstretched finger. The skatepark was just a hundred and fifty metres or so beyond his bedroom, across the well-kept football field that would soon be in regular use by Renwick Town Seniors and Juniors once again.

              The skatepark was empty, though the floodlights cast their brilliant light across the ramps on the far side of the dark, grassy expanse. Strange shadows struggled to survive under this unnatural glare, but there were one or two, skulking around the edges, where barriers crossed and steep ramps still afforded a place for darkness. His bedroom was built into the extension of the last semi-detached house on Oak Tree Drive, and Oak Tree Drive was the final cul-de-sac at the far end of his housing estate, where all of the roads were named after trees or bushes of some description. His was the only window that looked out towards the skatepark, except for the kitchen below, but the view from there was of a huge hedge of maturing laurel bushes, green and impenetrable; a thick, leafy wall.

              So, on that clear August night, there was only Little Tom Baker that saw the strange light that seemed to hover above the football field directly in front of his window. The light was almost white, but not quite, and it formed a perfect circle. It was like a full moon, but there was no moon in the sky. At first he thought that it might have been a new set of floodlights, but no. This was a different light. A controlled light. This was not just the battering ram impact of the floodlights, this was focussed into that perfect circle. It was just pure light. No fuzzing around the edges, a thin disc of solid creamy whiteness. He watched intently, wondering how long it had been there before he had noticed it, and trying to figure out exactly where it was. A hundred metres away? Ten metres away? The night was clear, and looking out was like standing at one end of a long, empty room. There was nothing to obscure the view, but that far wall was just out of reach, and the strange quality of the light made it difficult to judge distances. His only reference point was the skatepark that was flooded with light, but was this closer, or further away?

              A trick of the light, he thought, a phrase that he had heard before without actually knowing what it meant. As he pondered and squinted, somehow believing that narrowed eyes might improve his understanding, the light answered his unspoken questions by falling to the ground. Only it did not quite fall, it floated, and then it bounced like a ball unhindered by gravity. It bounced back up to its original height, and then it repeated, two, three, four times.

              What could it be? Little Tom wanted to go outside and investigate, but he knew that his mother would not allow it, so he knelt at his window, occasionally shifting his elbows as they numbed, transfixed by the light that now resumed its hover an unknown distance away from him, and an unknown height above the ground.

              The light struck the ground again, quivered for maybe a second, before rising slowly back into the night air. It then repeated the process, moving across the field in a random pattern. Its playing one of those Whack-A-Mole games, thought Tom. Where would it land next? Eventually it settled and did not move for some time. It did not separate itself from the ground; the sphere was flattening at the bottom, and then expanding again. It reminded Tom of school exercises, bending your knees before straightening up. Repeat until you are bored or the end of lesson bell goes, he thought, smiling. As he watched, he noticed that with each flattening of the sphere it grew smaller. No, that was not right, it was still the same size, but it was sinking, sinking into the earth. It became a perfect semi-circle. Half of it was gone, but it continued. Smaller and smaller, like a penny dropping into a money box, but there was no rattle as the penny hit the pile of other coins. When the final sliver of this light disappeared, it did so in silence.

              Little Tom Baker sat for a few moments longer, mystified at what he had just witnessed. Was it a balloon? Or maybe one of those Swiss balls like the one that his dad bought that sits unused in the garage? Was it someone in the field with a torch? As he dismissed each of these thoughts, a sense of urgency replaced them. He climbed off his bed and rushed downstairs. 

              “Mum, mum. There’s a light in the field. It was there and now its gone. Like a football, only bigger, and, and..”

              As the words poured out Little Tom struggled to make sense of them, and his father looked over at him with a knowing, contented smile.

              “Now, now, Tom,” his father was friendly but stern. “Back to bed, close your curtains and off to sleep. It’s a big day tomorrow.” He folded his newspaper and placed it on the side of his armchair, always a sign that his intentions were not to be questioned.

              “But I saw it,” Tom said, “it could be a UFO.”

              “Well if it is, I am sure we will hear about it on the news, now off to bed.”

              “But dad…mum, can you just have a look?”

              Mrs Baker edged to the window and drew back the net curtains. “Nothing there,” she said. “Now do as your dad says and off to bed.”

              Tom’s shoulders slumped and he turned to the door. He glanced back at his parents, but he knew that the fight was lost. “Night,” he said, and climbed the stairs. The light was gone, but it was there. He knew it. He saw it. It was a long time before he drifted off into a dream-filled sleep. Dreams of family parties, school lessons, strange lights, and broken toys.

II

              It was August 12^th when he next opened his eyes. The Glorious Twelfth his dad called it, which Tom thought was great until he discovered that this particular phrase was borrowed from the grouse shooting season that just happened to start on the same day. Twelve years old. Almost a teenager. Almost, but not quite, a master of his scooter. He threw on his dressing gown and raced down the stairs. His mum and dad were already there to greet him. A plate of toast and a large glass of orange juice waited for him, and he slowly opened the door to the lounge, taking care not to disturb the Happy Birthday banner that was strewn across it.

              Balloons danced across the floor on the breeze created by the opening door, and the centre of the room was filled with objects disguised in blue wrapping paper decorated with footballs. He knelt before the pile of presents, his gaze darting between the assortment of blue shapes that sat on the pale red carpet. There was a football, and some kind of a racquet, maybe tennis or badminton. Their shapes were obvious, but these were incidental. At the centre of the display, rising majestically above the other gifts, was the shape of a scooter. It had to be the Crisp Ultima. His parents would not know any other model, unless it was just another JD Bug.

              His hands tore at the paper. No sense of neatness or care; this gift wrap would not be reused. And there, gleaming, was a new Crisp Ultima. It seemed even more magnificent than the pictures in the catalogues and online shops. Even more cool than the one that his friend Johnny had received just one month earlier.

              He was speechless and breathless at the same time. His face shimmered, looking back at him from the chrome, and he turned to thank his mum and dad. Their expressions reflected his own joy, the shared pleasure of pre-teen birthdays.

              The remaining presents were opened with haste and politeness, but as his dad left to go to work, Little Tom Baker was already dressed and ready to ride the Crisp Ultima. He sometimes envied the kids that had their birthdays during school time. They got the adulation of all of their schoolfriends, and usually a mention from the teacher. Not today, though. Nothing could diminish his pride in his new scooter, and he could ride it all day.

III

              Tom placed his right foot on the plate of the scooter and pushed off with his left. The wheels were like marbles gliding soundlessly across a carpet. No noise, no friction, just smooth motion. He pushed again and turned towards the path that led into the park from Oak Tree Drive, where Christopher Johnson was balancing on his BMX bike.

              “Hey, you got it,” Chris said as Tom approached.

              “Yes,” said Tom. “Its everything I thought it would be. Come on, race you to the skate park.”

              “Ha, see you there,” said Chris.

              The scooter was great on paths and smooth surfaces, but the bike had the advantage. It could travel on any terrain, and Chris raced across the grassy football field towards the skatepark. That would prove to be fatal.

              Tom traced the tarmac around the perimeter of the field as Chris cut a direct line towards the skatepark. He realised that Chris would win easily, but even that could not dampen his spirits. He laughed, but then he glanced over to Chris who seemed to hit an invisible object and fall to the ground, leaving his bike at a grotesque angle with the front wheel spinning.

              Chris sat up and brushed his clothes with his hands. “Hey, look at this,” he beckoned Tom to join him on the grass.

              Tom stopped and began to wheel his scooter across the dewy field to where his friend sat. As he drew nearer, he saw that the uninterrupted green carpet was not as perfect as it first seemed. Chris got to his feet and stood about five metres away. Between the two of them there was a brown circle of grass about two metres across. Chris was standing on the edge of the circle and Tom stopped. He stared at it. It was perfectly round, and the colour of milk chocolate. Not scorched, just coloured. He felt nervous, though he was not sure why, and he certainly did not want to get any closer.

              “What is it?” he asked.

              “Dunno,” said Chris. He reached over the circle with his left foot, balancing unsteadily on his right. “Must be slippy or something, brought me off my bike.” His foot came down on the discoloured grass, and he fell backwards.

              “Woah! Must be some power line somewhere. I can feel it humming. Come and have a look.”

              “No – I’m staying away. Don’t want to get my new jeans dirty on their first day.” He laughed, but really he was glad of the excuse. There was something not quite right about this patch of ground sitting in sharp contrast to the otherwise flawless emerald blanket.

              A loud thud interrupted them. It was a dead sound, one that started and ended quickly, with no echo, like a foot kicking a ball. Within the brown circle it was obvious where the sound had come from. A large pigeon had fallen from the sky and lay on the discoloured grass, quite dead.

              Tom instinctively looked up, but other than wispy clouds meandering across the clear blue sky he saw nothing. Christopher raised himself onto his hands and feet and edged backwards, like an ungainly crab evading a seagull.

Let me know if you enjoyed it – and I will add more chapters in the next edition.

Speaking of writing, I will eventually turn my attention back to Clickbait. In the meantime, the presence of Clickbait on Facebook shows no signs of abating. This is the latest offer designed to get you to like and share and generally give up your details to a fake advertisement!

Regulars to Whaley Bridge will know that Cloud Wine has closed. Zac was quite disappointed at this, as it was a regular stopping off point for snacks and other stuff. Anyway, mum asked what he thought it should be, and he answered without hesitation. “A strip club.” I’m not sure the residents of Horwich End would approve!

Finally, I have some very exciting news about Ole, but I am reluctant to share it until it gets Tweeted! Stay tuned!

March 22, 2019 by Mike Madden

Robins Tits And Jackdaws

Been a bit busy recently, so its probably a good thing that my previous contract finished at the end of January. My next one starts in April, with a base in Leeds but with travel to the Ukraine, so I can get back to normal! Quite looking forward to it – never been to Kiev! So, what has kept me busy? Well, mainly Ex Pat Radio and Podcasts! The radio station had a website that got hijacked (long story) so they created another one. Well, actually they created a shell, and not a very good shell. So I added content, used a few plug ins, and now it looks ok. See what you think…

http://www.expatradio.uk

My show is on Monday nights 7-8pm UK time – and it appears on my Podcast straight afterwards. You can listen to previous episodes here…

The Arts Show Podcast page

Most of the shows contain commercial music, which I am not allowed to include in the Podcast as I don’t have a licence for it, so I have to remove it before it can be published. The next step is to record some outside broadcasts, and I have purchased a fancy recording device to help me do just that!

Ole wanted to show his girlfriend some of our old family videos, but Zac objected! “Don’t show any of me,” he said, to which his brother replied, “I will, they are our videos.” “You better not – data protection,” Zac said, issuing a verbal brotherly subpoena!

After a couple of weeks hiatus Zac resumed his DofE cookery with a spectacular Moroccan lamb dish. One of Sally’s favourites and it will definitely be repeated. It will probably find its way into Mmm…No2…Cookbook too – though we will need some better pics!

My cookery seems to have been restricted to various combinations of cereal bars. The binding agents are honey and almond butter – but thats where the unhealthiness stops! the rest is all oats, nuts, seeds and dried fruit!

I did also make Twinkies filled with chocolate sauce with the help of Nixie. In my opinion there was too much sauce, but it didn’t stop them from being eaten. Meanwhile, we have been watching Master Chef. After a particularly stressful episode Sally asked, “What do you have to do to get on Master Chef?” I don’t even think she was being ironic! Anyway, for those who may have forgotten…this was meant to be rhubarb.

So, Mmm…No2…Cookbook is about 75% done. I have most of the recipes and half of the pictures – its just about finding time to finish it off. The same applies to Clickbait – though I am optimistic that another month should see The End added to that one.

Had a good session in Manchester on Wednesday with my Bloodstock project (top secret, but basically its about selling horse semen), and the students at MMU who are working on four projects. The most significant of these is the Pub Spotter app – to be known as Pub-Head. This is kind of a Panini sticker app for pubs – and we hope to launch in September.

The Live Projects at Manchester Metropolitan University are a great initiative – I encourage anyone who needs a bit of tech developing to get involved.

Great excitement this week as Zac’s bag – tho one that he bought for almost £200 from Supreme, went up to almost £300. Sell, sell, sell was the cry, but by the time he thought about it the price had dropped – now we wait (again).

Interesting complaint last weekend as Ole announced that his data allowance on his phone had run out. “That’s a coincidence – so has mine,” said Sally. “Not really a coincidence – you share the same data plan,” I said. Turns out that Ole has been gaming on his data due to the university Wifi being crap. Anyway, I added him another 10GB so that he could still get his regular Ubers, but I will be keeping a close eye on it in April.

I have added some bird feeders to my garden. Regular readers may recall that I did this once before, and I had to devise a fiendish cage to allow the smaller birds through, keeping the jackdaws, pigeons and crows away. This time I have placed them under the cherry tree at the front of the house. Almost immediately we had robins, tits and finches visiting (so much better with a comma!), and all was well, until the Jackdaws appeared. Their evil gang spilt seeds and gobbled them up, accompanied by pigeons who are always up for a free nosh. So, I got Ole’s BB rifle which is now locked and loaded ready for their next visit. Incidentally, Sally thinks that I have caused a much bigger problem, bird poo. She thinks that the area beneath the bird feeders is becoming covered in poo. I said “Bullshit”, but she said, “No – its definitely bird”. I am yet to be convinced that a bit of rain wont wash away the one or two splodges that would have been there anyway – it being under a tree!

There has been a lot of fuss about Birdbox, so we decided to watch it. It wasn’t great – give me Day Of The Triffids any day of the week. And by Day Of The Triffids I mean the 1962 film, not the recent serialised crap with Eddie Izzard in it.

Sally bought an Alexa. She was very impressed with the one Zac got for Christmas, so she pressed a few buttons on Amazon, and the Echo (that’s its proper name) arrived. There were a few teething troubles setting it up, but once it was aligned with Zac’s the fun and games could start.

Alexa playing loud music

Sally: Alexa, be quiet

Alexa still playing loud music

Sally: Alexa, shut up

Alexa still playing loud music

This could turn out to be a lot of fun – its a bit like an episode of Red Dwarf with an out of control robot.

Anyone who has met Sally recently will know that the Lewis Capaldi video was filmed at the farm in Buxton. So, she decided to recreate a small part of it with Nixie and Nancy. She was very pleased with herself when it was done, but actually Nixie is holding the horse, I’m holding the camera, no idea where Sally is!

Zac began his Maths Leaders sessions a few weeks ago – where he gets to mentor some of the younger students. Week 1 was a great success. He had some good kids who listened to everything he said. Week 2 he had the same kids, but with a very different outcome. “They are monsters. Didn’t do anything I said, and just wanted to mess about.” Poachers don’t always make the best gamekeepers!

Finally, there is a new service to get your passport renewed online. It works very well, and it is about £10 cheaper than doing it through the post. It also avoids having to get your documents validated. However, although my application was processed quickly and easily, they rejected Zac’s photo as they could not make out the outline of his face. I played around with a few different pics without success, then I decided to submit anyway, ignoring the warning message. That did the trick, so we both now have brand new pre Brexit passports.

October 25, 2018 by Mike Madden

Horses, Pumpkins And A Lady – No Its Not Cinderella!

Credit where it is due! This year sees the 100th anniversary of the end of The Great War, also known as the First World War, that produced many atrocities from 1914 to 1918. I am sure that the youth of today cannot comprehend just how bad things were back then. I am 57 years old and I could not contemplate National Service, let alone the trenches and battles that killed so many. To commemorate the 100 years you may have seen “Silent Soldiers” in numerous locations. These dark silhouettes are a stark reminder of those times, and Whaley Bridge will soon be the recipient of several of them. Actually, the first of these has gone up today, on the grass at the bottom of Elnor Lane next to the Welcome To Whaley Bridge sign. Sally has been instrumental in gaining sponsorship and funding for these eloquent monuments, though the erection of the first soldier led to a few technical difficulties that she managed to overcome with the help of her brother Simon. The soldiers arrived last week, and stood silently (that’s what they do) at the bottom of of the stairs, it was actually quite eerie catching a glimpse of them every now and then – I’ll be glad when they are out on duty!

In addition to this she has been helping to raise awareness of and funds for the Fernilee church and graveyard, and many of the inhabitants of the graveyard are the same war heroes that are epitomised by the Silent Soldiers. This culminates in a huge party at the end of November, and tickets are selling like hot cakes so you had better act fast if you want one.

And whilst on the subject of war, there has been tremendous progress on the Whaley Bridge memorial that was so badly vandalised by an errant tree. Hopefully the stonemason will be able to restore it to its former glory in time for the remembrance ceremony.

They have even managed to tidy up the fallen tree!

 

Anyway, back to the mundane, and I started a new job in Leeds. I used to work in Leeds, and remembered the journey by car to be around 75 minutes. Unfortunately, I soon realised that that was 24 years ago! There is a lot more traffic on the road these days, and the average journey time is about one hour and fifty minutes. I’ve booked myself some accommodation for this week, but I have signed up until the end of February, so anyone who has a helicopter flying there regularly  please let me know.

The kitchen has, as ever, been a busy place. I pickled a whole new batch of balti paste, leaving a rather fetching aroma for several days, but I made sure that my Creole Cake had reached its next stage first, and so could not be contaminated by the smell of the sub continent.

It doesn’t look particularly pretty right now – but when it is laden with alcohol and iced with almond paste….

I also made pumpkin chutney, using the innards of my first pumpkin carving of the year, as well as citrus fruit and sultanas. Its a bit zingy – but good with cheese!

…and here’s the pumpkin…

…its a spider – looks better in the dark!

Finally – I tried a different recipe for gingerbread – not as good as my mum’s – I will be reverting to hers in time for Christmas.

We used to have an annual trip to York races – now we seem to be there every few weeks! However, I guess that the October meeting will always be our favourite – and Mick Easterby’s too! He once again managed to get his picture taken with Lady M in the Parade Ring!

And speaking of horses, this next tale is not for the weak of heart or faint of mind! Sally was watching some sort of horse event on her phone. Not sure what it was, it might even have been a recording of herself riding Nancy. Anyway, there were lots of shouts of “That’s the way”, “Go on”, and “You can do it.” Zac waited for his moment, and then quite simply asked his mum, “Is that what you shout in the bedroom?”

That’s not been his only gem this month. We received notification that there was a jobs fair at his school, and we asked him if he intended to go to it. “I might do, but I am planning on working for myself so it won’t be much good.” A noble thought, but one that deserved a challenge. “What are you going to do?” I asked. Without skipping a beat he announced, “I’m going to do your job. That seems to pay the bills.”

Product news, and I can definitely confirm that the new style and much maligned Toblerones do not last as long as the older ones. It must have something to do with the increased space which inevitably leads to less triangles. And space is not just reserved for Toblerone. I took out a box of McCain Micro Chips from the freezer and it sounded suspiciously quiet. I shook it, nothing. It appeared that the box was completely empty. It was still sealed in cellophane, so had clearly not been tampered with, it had always been without chips! Sally sensed compensation, so she emailed them. They were not exactly distraught. They asked her for the batch number and said that they would send her some vouchers by way of recompense. So what is an empty box of McCain Micro Chips worth? £6. Well, actually it is £6 in vouchers that can only be spent on other McCain products. Hardly worth the effort!

I sometimes wonder about Ole! He had the relatively simple task of getting from Salford to Whaley Bridge tonight, on the train. He somehow ended up in Bolton, and he has no idea why or how. Maybe he was trying to get his head around his newly opened Sky Bet account as he tries to make up for his complete lack of funds by gambling on the NFL. Luckily he has come to the right place!

Yes the NFL is back at Wembley, and here are a couple of travel tips. When heading down there from Macclesfield get off at Watford Junction and get the direct train from there. If you do manage to end up at Euston, don’t follow the crowds. Instead get the Victoria line for two stops to Oxford Circus, then the Bakerloo for 3 stops to Marylebone, and finally the overground train to Wembley that only takes 7 minutes. Just as easy on the way back too as it arrives at and departs form the very convenient Wembley Central. As a side note, isn’t it amazing how London has managed to name its streets and stations after the squares on a Monopoly board?

Sad news, the fox got in up at the farm and savaged Dave’s hens and his prized cock. This little fellow will no longer be there to greet me in the mornings!

However, every cloud has a silver lining, and now Nellie’s pen has expanded into the vacant lot next door!

The 21st century has arrived! I have now discovered that I can pay cheques into my HSBC account using just my phone. It scans the cheque and deposits it with very little fuss, and without trying to find a branch that has not suffered the ultimate cut by closure!

Staying in the 21st century, Zac’s bot finally worked. He managed to purchase a Supreme North Face bag, for the princely sum of £188 plus £5 postage. Now, it doesn’t look like a £193 bag, but who am I to judge? His next task is to either keep it, or sell it on Stock-X, the marketplace for this kind of high end nonsense. At the moment the bag is selling for around £210, which would mean no profit or even a small loss taking into account their commission. I will let you know the outcome, meanwhile when December comes around there is a really big drop, so who knows what he and his bot will end up with. My credit card is braced for the assault.

Which brings me nicely on to my latest writing project, Clickbait. Its a horror novella, around 10-12000 words (if I ever get around to finishing it), and I am trying a new marketing technique. Rather than just bombarding people with ‘please buy my book’ messages, I have created a blog that explains the dangers of Clickbait. So whilst you may not be tempted to buy the book, at least you might learn something!

The cover has once again been created by the wonderfully talented Emmy Ellis at Studioenp.

Click here for the Clickbait blog

I will be adding new Clickbait examples on the blog over the coming months.

We have an unexpected addition to Zac’s diet. Lobster. I don’t think it will ever quite replace sausages, but he tucked in to half a lobster tail, and now he is looking forward to trying King Prawns. He has also started to tolerate Heinz Spaghetti on toast, which is a huge improvement on 12 months ago!

Finally, the US is going absolutely mental on the political front, with the mid-term elections fast approaching. If you have not been following – you have a lot of catching up to do. This week some suspicious packages were sent to various Democrats as well as to CNN. Now, you would think that a Republican supporter would be to blame, right? Not necessarily. You see, it has become so twisted that there is a strong belief that a Democrat supporter sent them so as to adversely affect the support for Republicans. But I have another theory. What if a Republican really did send them, thinking that a Democrat would get blamed for trying to adversely affect the Republican vote? Still with it? Well, to compound the situation the US president then said the media and politicians should not treat each other as enemies and should not encourage violence, exactly the behaviour that he has been showing for the past two years, or maybe that’s just the fake media reporting it so! Maybe not, I am sure I have seen some footage of his rallies and some white supremacists at the White House! Stay tuned, November 6th promises to be a real rollercoaster. In the meantime – here is my take on it…

SIDES

There have always been sides
Parallel, perpendicular, adjacent sides
Sides that could touch each other
So close together
But now I look at all sides
I see them all so wide
Apart, so torn apart
Separated both by head and heart
Each so sure of wrong and right
Each so sure of truth and lie
A river through the great divide
Where ethics come to die
And morals shrink
Beneath the outstretched hand
And dollars rule the land
Signed with poisoned ink
As the buttons on a shirt
Can draw two sides to stay
Or let them drift away
For now but never hurt
Alas our fabric has been gripped
The fields of our cotton have been ripped
Forced by hands of fury
Buttons fall beside Old Glory
Fastenings never more
Strewn across the floor
And so the shirt falls open
No modesty remains, no token
And vulgar nakedness no longer hides
A shadow cast across both sides

October 3, 2018 by Mike Madden

Broccoli, Brett And A Bot

Well let’s start this month with Zac’s money making scheme. His first purchase has been a bot that runs on his laptop to automatically buy expensive Supreme stuff that he hopes to sell at a profit. The bot cost around £60 – and he left it running on his computer while he went off to school, leaving me with strict instructions  on what I should and should not do. As it turned out it found the correct product, but failed to buy it because of incorrect credit card details. The following week it failed to buy because of a mis-spelling. Then, just to confirm it worked, Zac bought a keychain for £17. Yes, £17. It came with some labels too – and a shiny white plastic bag. But £17! I remain sceptical.

April 20, 2018 by Michael Madden

Blogs, Hogs And My Drama Exam