November 29, 2020 by Mike Madden
Losing It In Lockdown
So we are in Lockdown 2 – only a month, but its already had an impact. We booked a holiday for February, travelling in style to the Dominican Republic where Zac could enjoy the delights of a butler, a plunge pool, and lobster on demand.
The flights were via Paris, and unfortunately Air France have cancelled all flights for the foreseeable future.
On the positive side, Virgin Holidays customer service excelled themselves, and within 20 minutes they had rebooked us on the same trip for the end of March. I’ll warn the butler.
Steps
Back in July I thought it would be interesting to take the million step challenge. The idea is to walk 1 million steps in 3 months, and I have decided it is impossible. I refereed several football games, did endless walk rounds at cricket, and walked up and down Elnor Lane picking blackberries. I don’t think I even reached half way.
Lockdown Treats
The kitchen has been a busy place, with Lockdown Saturday treats and a few in midweek too. My bramble gin has been duly bottled, and the Creole cake has had its first and second feeds (port and brandy – sherry and Cointreau to come). Chocolate digestives have been made, hidden, found and eaten, whilst Victoria sponge and chocolate sponge with Nutella buttercream didn’t last much longer. The latest creation is mini cheesecakes. They are supposed to be left to set for 24 hours, but I am not hopeful!
Pumpkin pie was a perennial favourite, and then there were beef enchiladas!
And chocolate skulls for Halloween…
Of course, as the year turns towards December there is the obligatory chocolate log and gingerbread biscuits.
Shoutout to Hickory’s Smokehouse in Poynton. We’ve been there twice recently and not only do they do the Covid distancing really well, they also serve delicious food and drink.
For our wedding anniversary we headed to Castleton, and decided to climb up Winnats Pass. Well, about 2/3 of the way. Its a lot easier going up than coming down, especially on a wet day. Anyway, we survived and had a nice pub lunch at the Bull’s Head. Wonder when we will be allowed to do that again?!
Bo!
We have the patter of tiny feet around our house, as Bo the little girl pussycat joins the family. She spent the first few days sat on my shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, but that has now changed. She has settled in very well, loves to surprise you by leaping on to your back, hanging on with extended claws, and her favourite resting place is a chair under the dining room table last frequented by Bobby.
PubHead
Its a bad time to launch PubHead, it being a pub-based app, but it has given us the opportunity to add new features – the latest being pub crawls. Once lockdown ends and the tier system moves in our favour, who will be first to complete all pubs in Whaley Bridge?
When Is A Good Deed Not A Good Deed?
Zac had a pair of Yeezys that he outgrew. Size 8, whereas he is now a size 10. These exclusive trainers were the genuine article – I know because I paid for them. But when Sally tried to sell them she was hit with a barrage of “they look fake”! If there was definitive proof that they were not fake they would have fetched around £170, but people remained sceptical. However, there is a boy in Buxton who lost a lot of his possessions in a fire. Sally offered the magical trainers to him and he was delighted. It was a real feelgood gesture, but Zac did point out one downside, “I am still £170 down on the deal”.
Zac has had abut 3 driving lessons, but that does include driving to Buxton and back. Now, however, he wants to drive us all to my mum’s in Sale at Christmas, as that is what Ole did (after significantly more lessons). I feel that only an extended lockdown will thwart him.
Acting Up
Ole has been very busy despite the lockdown.
His LGBTQ short film is now the subject of a book available on Amazon,
Whilst his BUPA ad finally saw the light of day
He also did another voiceover, a job he got because of his Wereworld recording in London, and then he got a part in the Channel 4 series Ackley Bridge. Its a small part in the final episode of the next series, but he made the most of the experience, staying in a nice hotel for a couple of nights and mixing with the rest of the cast. It should hit the screens in February.
This week he has had two audition requests, one for Coronation Street, but I’m not allowed to tell you which part as it would be spoiler, and Brideshead Revisited which would be very exciting with a lot of global travel (post pandemic of course!)
Kitchen Calamity
Despite best efforts, some home made things don’t last as long as the preservative filled equivalents that the supermarkets sell. I made sweetcorn relish, and despite being in the fridge it grew some mold. Sally decided she would try to avoid the mold and use the rest of the jar, but to no avail. She eventually gave up, but the interesting part concerned the jar itself. She was making beetroot chutney at the time, and I pointed out that the jar was given a thorough wash in boiling water, and then sterilised in the oven. “In the oven?” she questioned, and hastily revised her plans for cleaning the chutney jars.
The pumpkins came to an untimely end, as the local squirrel population filled their faces with them. We salvaged a very small one, just to prove that it was genuinely a pumpkin, but not sure we will use up that amount of growing space to feed Mr and Mrs Nutkin next year.
We got a new dishwasher this week, or rather we didn’t, we got a six month old dishwasher, as ours has a dodgy front panel which means opening it is, well, very slightly more awkward than on other dishwashers. Anyone who has ever had to plumb in a dishwasher will tell you it is never straightforward, but Sally duly fetched the dishwasher, chopped the plug off the old dishwasher so that it could be removed, and made ready to plumb the new one in. Unfortunately, the water pipe is not compatible. It has a small plastic block on the end of the pipe, and there is no way this will fit with our existing pipe structure. So we would have to put the old one back. But wait a minute, she chopped the plug off that one so it won’t work. So, now we have to call a plumber to alter our pipework so that we can replace an old dishwasher with a slightly less old dishwasher.
And Finally…
We still went to York for our annual pilgrimage, despite not being able to actually attend the races. Middlethorpe Hall was magnificent, and we decided to make the most of our night away with dinner at the National Trust hotel. Sat in the drawing room, we had several drinks beforehand, and I decided to nip back to our room to get changed.
“I was just going to bring you a menu,” the waiter said as I walked past him. “I will leave it with the young lady.”
“I would rather you left it with my wife,” I replied. I laughed at my own joke, Sally did not!
January 30, 2020 by Mike Madden
The Saga Of Advent – Christmas Comes Early
Regular readers will recall Zac’s triumphant, if a little muddy, Duke Of Edinburgh expedition. Well, of course, that’s not all he had to do. Another of his tasks was cooking. He had to cook one dish every week for three months to show that he could do it. It started off well, with brownies, pizza, even Moroccan lamb. Then he kind of lost interest. That was until the night before the deadline when he had to complete two more tasks! There was a frantic scramble for ingredients as he decided to make a chocolate log. Ambitious, but he had seen me make one several times and he loved it. Unfortunately, left to his own devices, he used Lurpak spreadable rather than solid, unsalted butter. The mixture was like water, time was pressing on, and at around 10pm he had to start again! Zac being Zac he insisted on rolling the log the opposite way to me, so he ended up with a long thin branch rather than a thick log, but it worked! A bit of icing sugar and it looked quite festive. His alarm was set, and the next morning he produced scrambled egg on toast. Not the most ambitious, but the thirteenth of his thirteen food challenges was complete. Bronze award sorted. I think the silver award is out of the question.
Sally, Zac and Ole went to see 1917 at the Light Cinema in Stockport. It was brave of Sally to watch a movie so late in the afternoon, and she may well have had a snooze, but Zac came out absolutely buzzing. Highly recommended, so much so that he has already been to see it again. This is in stark contrast to Gypsy, the subject of our annual trip to the Royal Exchange in Manchester. Whilst the theatre retains all of its charm, the play was quite simply too long!
It may well be the last chance to catch The Stranglers live in 2020 as they announced that they are withdrawing from their gruelling tours. Manchester Apollo in November promises to be an emotional night.
In the next few weeks I will be back on the air with Ex Pat Radio. Several interviews are already in the can, including a very promising French outfit called Saults and an elderly Welsh chap who is still rocking with his band Razmtaz, but the two I am most looking forward to are Steve Harley (of Cockney Rebel fame), and Suzi Quatro.
Christmas was a bust time in the kitchen – with Rocky Road and of course Creole Cake emerging unscathed (apart from a somewhat grotesque snowman!
Zac’s rants are becoming infamous, and there was another last week when he could not find his hair conditioner. It turns out that Sally had binned it, even though there was enough for another wash still remaining. “When its ketchup I have to squeeze the last drop out of the bottle, but with conditioner you just throw it out. You’re a hypocrite,” he declared to his unsuspecting mother.
She does sometimes get the better of him, or at least she thinks she does. A couple of weeks ago he refused to get out of bed, and she refused to give him a lift. It got worse and worse, and eventually he had to get the Service bus. When he got home he admitted that he did not actually get the Service bus, as his mate Alex was getting a lift from his dad and they picked Zac up at the bus stop. “Did you call him to pick you up?” I asked. “No,” Zac replied, but the guilty laugh told me otherwise.
Around Christmas could have been a stressful time for Zac, with mock exam results looming large. However, he was not really concerned. “I know how much work I’ve done to get these marks,” he reasoned, “so I will know how much more work I have to do to get better marks in the real exams.” Whether he actually does the extra work is another matter.
He seems to have spent a lot of money on his Xbox FIFA game recently, but, as ever, he has a plan. “Loads of people do it,” he said, justifying his criminal activity. “I buy some points, then tell them I’m only 12 and they have to give me my money back.” Dad’s foot went firmly down at this point.
Christmas was indeed a joyful time, and Sally loved it from the minute Ole rang her to play “Driving Home For Christmas” as he set off back to Whaley Bridge from Salford. However, he got a bit of a shock on Christmas Day. Zac had waited patiently for this moment, exacting revenge on his brother for a similar event years earlier. He carefully wrapped an iPhone 11 box (after getting instructions on how to wrap a box) and handed it to Ole on Christmas morning. Ole was so grateful to be able to replace his ageing phone, and he carefully lifted the lid to reveal… a pair of socks. “I just won Christmas”, Zac declared, with a laugh that Dick Dastardly would have been proud of.
Of course, Christmas is increasingly a time for parcel deliveries, and I was expecting a package. I received a very precise email notification, stating that it had been delivered at 11.52, but there was no sign of it. We have one of those Ring doorbells, so we checked the log. Sure enough, there was activity at 11.52, so where was it? Sally remembered the postman knocking, but she was not sure what happened after that. “It will be in the office,” she said, but it wasn’t. We searched high and low, and eventually found it tucked away in our wardrobe. “I don’t remember putting it there,” she admitted. We may have to have a Ring fitted on every door in the house so that we can trace parcels after delivery.
I’ve got another job! My trips to Kiev will soon fade away, but now the destination is Sao Paolo working with Google. That may sound exciting, and Zac is most impressed, but my first visit involved an overnight flight that landed at 6am. It was too early to check in so I got changed in the hotel toilet, then I spent a full day at the Google office. That night I had the luxury of a hotel room, and the next day I had a full day at a client office. I returned home on another overnight flight vowing never to do that kind of whistlestop trip again! I learnt that Sao Paolo traffic is amongst the worst in the world, with scores of vendors selling all manner of stuff to the drivers of endlessly stationary vehicles. I also learnt that Google have free beer in their offices every Thursday.
In fact, as I write I am on my way back to Sao Paolo on a much more sensible daytime business class flight (well, Google are paying so why not?) I had to be up at 3.40am, so I set two alarms, and then decided to add insurance with Alexa. “Alexa is the worst alarm ever,” said Zac. “You just have to say Alexa stop, and she does. Its rubbish. I have to set about ten Alexa alarms every morning.” “We know, we hear them,” Sally and I replied in unison. I have spotted a Runaway Alarm Clock on Amazon, I might just replace Zac’s Alexa with it! To make matters worse, snow was forecast overnight, making my journey to the airport potentially hazardous. “Its 31 degrees in Sao Paolo,” I announced. “Yes, but you will miss the snow,” said Zac. He will learn, one day.
I am not sure if this is the best Christmas present, but it has certainly got the most potential. The board is Velcro, and it takes footballs and tennis balls. Can’t wait for summer!
We live in a beautiful part of the world, and Sally seems to be somewhat jealous of my picture of Fernilee reservoir. I think she believes that she is the only photographer in the house. My thanks to Louise Thompson for letting her know how good my pic is!
Sad news that rockabilly legend Sleepy Labeef passed away. I first interviewed Sleepy back in 2009 which led to me meeting Mike Sanchez which led to Mike Sanchez Big Town Playboy – a marvellous adventure. RIP Sleepy.
We have launched a new app thanks to a collaboration with Manchester Metropolitan University. This one is along the lines of Panini football stickers, but for pubs You visit a pub, collect a sticker, and collect “Pint Points”. There’s also the facility to create “friends”, upload photos, and see yourself on leaderboards. Of course, its really an app to find pubs, and as it links to Google Maps you can find out what kind of establishments are in your vicinity with just a couple of clicks. It’s in beta testing at the moment, and only on Android, but we have big plans for it including a major launch during Freshers Week in September.
Android users can download the app here…
Finally, another excitement that builds up towards Christmas is the traditional chocolate-filled Advent calendar. Mum laid one out for Ole, even though he was at university for much of the month, and one for Zac, but things did not go according to plan. Zac admitted that he had dipped into Ole’s calendar, proudly revealing that he started at the 24th and worked backwards to avoid detection. Mum also admitted that she had snaffled a few, and when Ole got home he just gobbled up the rest. Advent finished on December 14th.
October 22, 2019 by Mike Madden
The Secret Of A Happy Marriage
I have been writing this blog for almost five years – and never have I been so busy! So lets go back to August, and our holiday to Portugal.
As so often happens, the drama started at the airport. Dad sailed through security, whilst Sally was stopped due to a can of deodorant in her luggage. Ole had put his laptop in the same tray as his bag, so he too had to have his luggage reviewed, but the best was reserved for Zac. Regular readers will know that he has taken a liking to poker, and he had packed a bag full of poker chips so that we could play whilst away. These triggered an alert, and the security guards wanted to make sure that the chips were not branded, and that he was not in fact money laundering.
It amused me when Sally and the boys looked around the car park in Faro for our hire car. I pointed to a bus. They laughed, so I pointed to the bus again. When I did it a third time they realised that, yes, I had hired a bus.
We had a lovely time at the villa and in the local area, but I have to say that the strip in Albuefeira would put Benidorm to shame. Lots of drunken English people with half priced beer watching Premier League football, in an area which is smelt like the drains needed some attention. We hurried on through and reached the seafront, where a seafood restaurant looked out over the ocean. It would have been picturesque if you could put all of the inflatable slides etc out of your mind. Anyway, they had lobster for about £90. Expensive, but it was a one off. The waiter disappeared into the kitchen, and suddenly the lobster had increased to £180. We declined and Zac had fries.
Incidentally, Tesco have started to sell whole Canadian lobsters for £6, and they are already cooked. Once defrosted you can either warm them through or eat them cold. Its obvious really, but when I was at work Sally sent me this!
Zac had a bit of a trauma with his bank, and he had to contact their call centre. He was not looking forward to it. The guy will say, “Hello, this is HSBC and my name is Bob.” But its not Bob is it? Its Rajesh, and you’re not even in England, you’re in India.
Cast your mind back to the Supreme North Face bag – well he actually managed to sell that for a £90 profit, though he had to deduct £50 for the cost of the bot that got him the purchase in the first place. Lesson learned hopefully.
It had been a rather damp summer, but Zac and his friends were undeterred. They set up a tent in our garden, complete with electricity, music and all mod cons. However, when it came down to it Zac was not keen on losing his comforts, so when all was quiet he came inside and was soon tucked up in his own bed.
Ole too has been busy, though I still cannot reveal his big news. He has auditioned for Cold Feet, a period film called Rajah, and most hilarious of all, as a presenter for CBBC. Did you know that it is impossible to touch your ear with your elbow?
Sally did very well with Nancy, finishing sixth in her first hunter trial. I will let you know when the dynamic duo are on Horse Of The Year Show.
Its been a while, but I finally got to play lads v dads with Zac’s team on the artificial pitch up at Whaley. After running around in defence for a bit I adopted a somewhat stationary role on the left wing. And then it all came flooding back. Two Cruyff turns and a solo goal later, and those fifteen year olds were wondering what happened. Even Zac had to grudgingly admit that “you’ve still got it!”. It was about a week before I could walk again – but well worth it.
The end of the cricket season came and went – and it was a bit of a damp squib. None of the raucous songs of yesteryear. However, we did manage to pull of a magnificent and unlikely victory in difficult conditions at Stalybridge in which I departed the stage as victorious captain. That is it now – Ive called it a day, until someone asks me to play just one more time next April.
The climate change marches drew a lot off attention, and often for all of the wrong reasons. Zac and his mates decided they would go, but only because it meant a day off school. Sally decided that he could go, but he would have to write a summary of events when he returned. He marched for a bit, then went to Greggs and bought a sausage roll – presented in paper which was very green. When he got home he did a great job, copying and pasting the background to the march before ending with the conclusion “it wasn’t all about climate change, a lot of people were trying to persuade you to become socialist, and most people on the march were a bit weird.”
The WBCC trip ventured to Pisa this year – a bit of culture, fine wine and great food. Has the Trip finally grown up? I doubt it – there is talk of a 20th anniversary return to Dublin next year.
My birthday was a trip down memory lane as we went to Almost Famous in Manchester. Its changed a bit – but the burgers are still the best show in town!
In other culinary matters Sally cooked some chicken and onion with the instruction that I could do something with it when I got home. Then she called me. The chicken is in a dish, she said. Where is the pan? I asked with a note of suspicion. Its soaking in the sink, she said. Its got a little burn on it. You’ve ruined it haven’t you? I said. Yes, she admitted. But you can get a replacement for about £30 from Tk-Maxx. It has become a disposable society, and it is clear that Sally is all too familiar with the burn it, throw it, replace it circle of events where pans are concerned.
My only other news in the kitchen is that stage 1 and 2 of this year’s Creole Cake have been completed.
Even Delia Online “Liked” the Tweet for this one!
Last week it was York races, and although it was a disaster financially, Sally used the opportunity to undertake a Buyanom photo shoot in the grounds of the splendid Middlethorpe Hall.
So what is Buyanom? Well its a new trading platform for stallion nominations. Its a very pricey world, and I travelled down to Newmarket in my role as Managing Director. I got to meet some very big players in the industry, as well as the delightful Francesca Cumani who presented our launch evening at Palace House in Newmarket.
The launch itself was a great evening, Francesca held it all together like the consummate professional that she is, and I met huge numbers of people that I will hopefully meet again. Afterwards there was a suggestion that we went to the local Pizza Express or maybe the Italian, but Ted, one of our founders, decided on the Jockey Club. And what a great idea it was. The sumptuous surroundings were a joy to behold, with the walls adorned by paintings, notably by Stubbs. We dined and drank (your glass is never empty in there), and then retired to the bar where I sat talking to trainer Charlie Hills. What a gent, though I doubt he would have remembered the following morning. Disappointingly he’s a Spurs fan.
Next up its Ireland in November, followed by the December sales in Newmarket. After that its Australia and the US, though the order has still to be decided. It might be the next big thing, or it might fall by the wayside, but I’ll have a lot of fun along the way.
Finally, it is our silver wedding anniversary today, but we nearly didn’t make it. On Saturday the tv in the playroom broke. Our house has two main rooms, the playroom and the lounge. To be without a tv in one of them would have meant that either I would have had to watch Strictly and a lot of other reality tv nonsense, or Sally would have had to watch sport. Divorce would have been inevitable. I nipped up to Buxton and bought a new one from Argos thus saving our 25 year marriage.
October 25, 2018 by Mike Madden
Horses, Pumpkins And A Lady – No Its Not Cinderella!
Credit where it is due! This year sees the 100th anniversary of the end of The Great War, also known as the First World War, that produced many atrocities from 1914 to 1918. I am sure that the youth of today cannot comprehend just how bad things were back then. I am 57 years old and I could not contemplate National Service, let alone the trenches and battles that killed so many. To commemorate the 100 years you may have seen “Silent Soldiers” in numerous locations. These dark silhouettes are a stark reminder of those times, and Whaley Bridge will soon be the recipient of several of them. Actually, the first of these has gone up today, on the grass at the bottom of Elnor Lane next to the Welcome To Whaley Bridge sign. Sally has been instrumental in gaining sponsorship and funding for these eloquent monuments, though the erection of the first soldier led to a few technical difficulties that she managed to overcome with the help of her brother Simon. The soldiers arrived last week, and stood silently (that’s what they do) at the bottom of of the stairs, it was actually quite eerie catching a glimpse of them every now and then – I’ll be glad when they are out on duty!
In addition to this she has been helping to raise awareness of and funds for the Fernilee church and graveyard, and many of the inhabitants of the graveyard are the same war heroes that are epitomised by the Silent Soldiers. This culminates in a huge party at the end of November, and tickets are selling like hot cakes so you had better act fast if you want one.
And whilst on the subject of war, there has been tremendous progress on the Whaley Bridge memorial that was so badly vandalised by an errant tree. Hopefully the stonemason will be able to restore it to its former glory in time for the remembrance ceremony.
They have even managed to tidy up the fallen tree!
Anyway, back to the mundane, and I started a new job in Leeds. I used to work in Leeds, and remembered the journey by car to be around 75 minutes. Unfortunately, I soon realised that that was 24 years ago! There is a lot more traffic on the road these days, and the average journey time is about one hour and fifty minutes. I’ve booked myself some accommodation for this week, but I have signed up until the end of February, so anyone who has a helicopter flying there regularly please let me know.
The kitchen has, as ever, been a busy place. I pickled a whole new batch of balti paste, leaving a rather fetching aroma for several days, but I made sure that my Creole Cake had reached its next stage first, and so could not be contaminated by the smell of the sub continent.
It doesn’t look particularly pretty right now – but when it is laden with alcohol and iced with almond paste….
I also made pumpkin chutney, using the innards of my first pumpkin carving of the year, as well as citrus fruit and sultanas. Its a bit zingy – but good with cheese!
…and here’s the pumpkin…
…its a spider – looks better in the dark!
Finally – I tried a different recipe for gingerbread – not as good as my mum’s – I will be reverting to hers in time for Christmas.
We used to have an annual trip to York races – now we seem to be there every few weeks! However, I guess that the October meeting will always be our favourite – and Mick Easterby’s too! He once again managed to get his picture taken with Lady M in the Parade Ring!
And speaking of horses, this next tale is not for the weak of heart or faint of mind! Sally was watching some sort of horse event on her phone. Not sure what it was, it might even have been a recording of herself riding Nancy. Anyway, there were lots of shouts of “That’s the way”, “Go on”, and “You can do it.” Zac waited for his moment, and then quite simply asked his mum, “Is that what you shout in the bedroom?”
That’s not been his only gem this month. We received notification that there was a jobs fair at his school, and we asked him if he intended to go to it. “I might do, but I am planning on working for myself so it won’t be much good.” A noble thought, but one that deserved a challenge. “What are you going to do?” I asked. Without skipping a beat he announced, “I’m going to do your job. That seems to pay the bills.”
Product news, and I can definitely confirm that the new style and much maligned Toblerones do not last as long as the older ones. It must have something to do with the increased space which inevitably leads to less triangles. And space is not just reserved for Toblerone. I took out a box of McCain Micro Chips from the freezer and it sounded suspiciously quiet. I shook it, nothing. It appeared that the box was completely empty. It was still sealed in cellophane, so had clearly not been tampered with, it had always been without chips! Sally sensed compensation, so she emailed them. They were not exactly distraught. They asked her for the batch number and said that they would send her some vouchers by way of recompense. So what is an empty box of McCain Micro Chips worth? £6. Well, actually it is £6 in vouchers that can only be spent on other McCain products. Hardly worth the effort!
I sometimes wonder about Ole! He had the relatively simple task of getting from Salford to Whaley Bridge tonight, on the train. He somehow ended up in Bolton, and he has no idea why or how. Maybe he was trying to get his head around his newly opened Sky Bet account as he tries to make up for his complete lack of funds by gambling on the NFL. Luckily he has come to the right place!
Yes the NFL is back at Wembley, and here are a couple of travel tips. When heading down there from Macclesfield get off at Watford Junction and get the direct train from there. If you do manage to end up at Euston, don’t follow the crowds. Instead get the Victoria line for two stops to Oxford Circus, then the Bakerloo for 3 stops to Marylebone, and finally the overground train to Wembley that only takes 7 minutes. Just as easy on the way back too as it arrives at and departs form the very convenient Wembley Central. As a side note, isn’t it amazing how London has managed to name its streets and stations after the squares on a Monopoly board?
Sad news, the fox got in up at the farm and savaged Dave’s hens and his prized cock. This little fellow will no longer be there to greet me in the mornings!
However, every cloud has a silver lining, and now Nellie’s pen has expanded into the vacant lot next door!
The 21st century has arrived! I have now discovered that I can pay cheques into my HSBC account using just my phone. It scans the cheque and deposits it with very little fuss, and without trying to find a branch that has not suffered the ultimate cut by closure!
Staying in the 21st century, Zac’s bot finally worked. He managed to purchase a Supreme North Face bag, for the princely sum of £188 plus £5 postage. Now, it doesn’t look like a £193 bag, but who am I to judge? His next task is to either keep it, or sell it on Stock-X, the marketplace for this kind of high end nonsense. At the moment the bag is selling for around £210, which would mean no profit or even a small loss taking into account their commission. I will let you know the outcome, meanwhile when December comes around there is a really big drop, so who knows what he and his bot will end up with. My credit card is braced for the assault.
Which brings me nicely on to my latest writing project, Clickbait. Its a horror novella, around 10-12000 words (if I ever get around to finishing it), and I am trying a new marketing technique. Rather than just bombarding people with ‘please buy my book’ messages, I have created a blog that explains the dangers of Clickbait. So whilst you may not be tempted to buy the book, at least you might learn something!
The cover has once again been created by the wonderfully talented Emmy Ellis at Studioenp.
Click here for the Clickbait blog
I will be adding new Clickbait examples on the blog over the coming months.
We have an unexpected addition to Zac’s diet. Lobster. I don’t think it will ever quite replace sausages, but he tucked in to half a lobster tail, and now he is looking forward to trying King Prawns. He has also started to tolerate Heinz Spaghetti on toast, which is a huge improvement on 12 months ago!
Finally, the US is going absolutely mental on the political front, with the mid-term elections fast approaching. If you have not been following – you have a lot of catching up to do. This week some suspicious packages were sent to various Democrats as well as to CNN. Now, you would think that a Republican supporter would be to blame, right? Not necessarily. You see, it has become so twisted that there is a strong belief that a Democrat supporter sent them so as to adversely affect the support for Republicans. But I have another theory. What if a Republican really did send them, thinking that a Democrat would get blamed for trying to adversely affect the Republican vote? Still with it? Well, to compound the situation the US president then said the media and politicians should not treat each other as enemies and should not encourage violence, exactly the behaviour that he has been showing for the past two years, or maybe that’s just the fake media reporting it so! Maybe not, I am sure I have seen some footage of his rallies and some white supremacists at the White House! Stay tuned, November 6th promises to be a real rollercoaster. In the meantime – here is my take on it…
SIDES
There have always been sides
Parallel, perpendicular, adjacent sides
Sides that could touch each other
So close together
But now I look at all sides
I see them all so wide
Apart, so torn apart
Separated both by head and heart
Each so sure of wrong and right
Each so sure of truth and lie
A river through the great divide
Where ethics come to die
And morals shrink
Beneath the outstretched hand
And dollars rule the land
Signed with poisoned ink
As the buttons on a shirt
Can draw two sides to stay
Or let them drift away
For now but never hurt
Alas our fabric has been gripped
The fields of our cotton have been ripped
Forced by hands of fury
Buttons fall beside Old Glory
Fastenings never more
Strewn across the floor
And so the shirt falls open
No modesty remains, no token
And vulgar nakedness no longer hides
A shadow cast across both sides
October 3, 2018 by Mike Madden
Broccoli, Brett And A Bot
Well let’s start this month with Zac’s money making scheme. His first purchase has been a bot that runs on his laptop to automatically buy expensive Supreme stuff that he hopes to sell at a profit. The bot cost around £60 – and he left it running on his computer while he went off to school, leaving me with strict instructions on what I should and should not do. As it turned out it found the correct product, but failed to buy it because of incorrect credit card details. The following week it failed to buy because of a mis-spelling. Then, just to confirm it worked, Zac bought a keychain for £17. Yes, £17. It came with some labels too – and a shiny white plastic bag. But £17! I remain sceptical.
Next up Zac expressed an interest in Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan series. Mr Clancy also wrote the Rainbow Six tale that formed the basis of Rainbow Six Siege, one of Zac’s favourite X-Box games. “Would you read it if I bought it?” I asked, to which he replied, “Yes – it would be interesting.” So, I bought a paperback copy, and gave it him with some trepidation, all 900 pages of it.
“How does anyone even write anything this big?” he asked.
“If you read ten pages per day you will have finished it by Christmas,” I told him.
So, he read ten pages. A couple of weeks later I asked him how he was getting on with it.
“Still ten pages,” he replied.
“Well why don’t you read some now?”
“I only read on Tuesdays,” he said, at which point I told him it would take around five years to get through it, allowing for weeks when he doesn’t bother.
Anyway, another couple of weeks have passed and he’s still at ten pages!
Whilst on the subject of literature, do not believe everything that A.A. Milne writes in Winnie The Pooh. We have an oak tree in our garden, and I collected a bag full of haycorns for Nellie. She turned her nose up at them. Pigs do NOT like haycorns!
I have also discovered that mouldy heads of broccoli are not cordon bleu for Nellie, and she is getting a bit fed up with Dave’s cock that keeps wandering into her enclosure through a hole in the fence!
“You can keep your mouldy broccoli – and get rid of that cock!”
I have been busy in the kitchen, with Thai red curry, both chicken and vegetarian, as well as a hearty winter soup with cabbage, swede, lentils, leeks and celery. No pumpkin though – I have decided to save that for pumpkin chutney – more about that in the next edition.
Then there were the things Sally brought home! First up it was a giant onion that she obtained from the harvest festival.
I made this into a “Blooming Onion”, baked rather than deep fried ,so really quite healthy.
Then there was the marrow. She said her mum used to stuff them with savoury mince when she was a kid. So, I decided to recreate her childhood memories and produced a tasty dish of marrow, mince and melted cheese. I served it up, and Sally remarked, “when I said my mum used to make it I didn’t say that I actually liked it.” There’s no pleasing some people.
I also got started on my Creole Cake, here is stage 1 which is dried fruit steeped in a lot of alcohol. It will be left for another week before the cake is actually baked – and then it must be fed with more booze every week until Christmas when it will be iced with almond paste and baked again.
Next up it is gingerbread men – these won’t last until Christmas – Ole is coming home next week! And there was also a batch of very messy cupcakes – could have been down to my helper!
Ole has now gone back to university – so my first job was to post a pair of ripped jeans that he had forgotten to pack. The postage was around a fiver – and these jeans were torn at the knee. That may be fashion – but I wouldn’t have paid a fiver for them!
This year he is in a shared house – rented through Friends Lettings. They kindly put the tenants in touch with Glide Utilities who split all of the utility bills equally. If you ever find yourself getting involved with these two companies – run a mile. They are an absolute shambles, and totally incompetent. They basically exist to fleece students who perhaps do not know better. I won’t go into the Broadband “scam” whereby the students signed up for Broadband with Glide that Friends Lettings knew about in June, only to be told by Friends Lettings in August that Broadband was already in the house via the landlord. Glide then wanted to impose a £320 Broadband cancellation fee. There was also a list of several things wrong with the house, and it has taken several threats of withholding rent or even getting independent contractors in to make the house habitable, to get any action out of Friends Lettings.
Glide are considerably worse. Final demands are commonplace – and I have refused to allow a direct debit to be set up as once they start extracting money it will be virtually impossible to figure out what it was for. On 24th and 25th September they issued thirteen bills, the vast majority of which did not even add up.
Here is an example – if anyone can figure out what is owed and why please let me know!
I contacted Friends Lettings about their position and they said that they would get back to me asap. That was twelve days ago!
Lady M was feeling quite pleased with herself when she sorted out the RAC quote. Our joint policy cost £216 last year – our renewal this year was £234.99. She was not having that – so she rang them. After a bit of deliberation the quote reduced by a staggering sum to £149. She was bragging about saving £85, until I asked her why she had not done the same thing last year!
A few months ago Lady M was clearing out the garage and found, amongst other things, a rusty old bike and half of a kids scooter. She put them near the bins, hoping that somehow they would magically disappear, but they weren’t going in my car as I had already made several trips to the recycling centre at Waterswallows. Anyway, she obviously gave up hope, and decided that they would make rather a nice feature!
Ryanair Rooms sent me a survey. If anyone has ever travelled with Ryanair, you will know that it is marginally better than walking. By the time you have paid all of their add-ons it is generally not as cheap as you thought, but they get you there. There may be delays, there may be inconveniences, but they do get you there. However, Ryanair Rooms is a different proposition. Once I get to where I am going I want a bit of luxury, I certainly do not want to pay extra for a room key, air conditioning, or a surcharge for extra legroom under the reading desk.
Sad to report that a huge oak tree has fallen and damaged the war memorial in Whaley Bridge Memorial Park. There were plenty of volunteers to assist with the clean up in the aftermath – but apparently the council have it in hand.
We went to see Matilda the musical in Manchester a couple of days ago. It was a highly accomplished production, but it also showed just how good Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is – that is in a different league. The musical pays homage to the book, though most of the audience were probably more familiar with the film which is also based on the book! Confused – you will be. Well worth going to see! Our next trip to the theatre will be at the Royal Exchange for The Producers. There will be no preconceptions for this one as none of us have either read the book or seen the film.
Sally won yet more rosettes a couple of weekends ago – she is now turning the garage into a tack room, with a sink, heavy duty washing machine, hooks and shelves, and hopefully a display area for her growing trophy haul.
I am amazed at the number of people who fall for Clickbait on the internet. I am writing a short story called “Clickbait”, which plays on free giveaways, quizzes and other tricks designed to steal your details or worse. In support of this I have created a blog that I will be adding to over the next few months. The blog explains some of the tricks that you might fall for, and what you should be looking out for. Eventually it will also contain a link to the short story – but that is some way off as yet!
My article on the Norsk Americana Forum appearance in Leek has been published – you can find it here:-
or in the Articles section of this blog.
It has been a big few days for news on the other side of the pond. One of the major talking points has been the comeback of Tiger Woods, and as he walked up the 18th at Eastlake there were scenes that have never been seen before on a golf course. Hats off to him – many had written him off, and I look forward to seeing him challenge for more major titles in the years to come.
In politics the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh has been hitting the headlines – and whilst I will not go into the details here – this video mash up is one of the funniest things to come out of the whole charade.
I have interviewed some lovely authors on Ex Pat Radio recently, including Tracy Buchanan, Kat Diamond and Helen Fields. Next up its Sam Carrington, and that may be it, unless the station can arrange for shows to be pre-recorded. Sadly I have a new job, which looks like being full time! I will not be sorry to leave behind the traffic hell that is Nottingham, but I am not looking forward to the commute to Leeds – especially with winter about to start!
The Whaley Bridge Cricket Club Trip has enjoyed a bit of a renaissance – with seven members heading to the wonderful city of Nuremberg. Medieval streets, sausage stands, strong beer, it was like the Manchester Christmas Markets without the knob heads! Great destination, and our hotel was right next to FC Nuremberg’s stadium, so we all became fans for the weekend. They won 3-0 – which certainly helped.
Finally, The History Of Zombies has received a couple of very nice reviews. The first of these is on Amazon, written by a schoolteacher.
In a world where children are increasingly desensitised to violence, it is refreshing to read a piece of zombie YA fiction which takes this into consideration. In Jimmy and Zak, Madden has created two young heroes who have a modern attitude towards the apocalypse, facing the perils in front of them with humour as well as terror.
Whilst the gore is very real, and described vividly at times, there is a sense of relevance, and a connection to youth culture which I think children would find refreshing to read. There is a pace and narrative which is easy to follow and engage with, as well as interesting characters with depth and backstory which makes them believable.
The book is short at 106 pages, which makes it of suitable length to twist a plot around zombies of noir, barklan and vertige to name but a few, but also brief enough to give the more reluctant readers an achievable and rewarding reading experience.
I would recommend the book to those looking for a zombie novel with subtlety and humour intertwined with blood and guts!
The second came in a personal message on Twitter from one of the children who are reading the book after being inspired by their teacher’s book wall.
Makes it all worthwhile!
January 3, 2018 by Michael Madden
Police And Thieves And Celebrities
Happy New Year to everyone, and the run up to Christmas has been as eventful as ever.
Certain things always happen at certain times of the year, and I’m A Celebrity seems to be one of them. It finished mercifully quickly, but that did not stop Zac from getting in on the act. One of the questions asked was, ‘What percentage of men would give up sex for a million pounds?’
Zac proudly announced that he wouldn’t, then he asked me. I took the same stance.
Ex footballer Dennis Wise mulled it over, wondering what Boris Johnson’s dad would do (Mr Johnson Snr being another ‘Celebrity’.) He considered that Mr Johnson Snr might already have stopped having sex, so giving it up wouldn’t really be a hardship.
Zac saw the merits in this, and I knew where his line of thinking was going.
‘Have you stopped yet?’ he asked me, without a hint of embarrassment. When I replied that I hadn’t he had his own announcement to make.
‘Neither have I. I’ve not even started yet!’
Speaking of Zac, his latest purchase is a tongue scraper, and he has been letting all of his friends know just how wonderful it feels when you have scraped your tongue!
I’ve been travelling to London quite a bit recently, for business and pleasure. The pleasure side of it led to a great night of American Football for Thanksgiving, whilst the business side of it is mainly around my role as GDPR Consultant. However, in an interesting twist, I may be about to become non executive director of a software development company. Never done that before – so I will let you know how it goes.
Elvis Under The Covers got a bad review on Amazon, but that’s ok. If everything was five stars people would be suspicious. As Phineas T. Barnum supposedly once said, ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’.
Its been a busy time in the kitchen, as you might expect in the festive season. The chocolate log was confirmed as ‘The Best Cake Ever’ by Ole and Zac, an accolade that I am happy to take from my pair of cake fiends.
A week or so later, however, there was a lot of swelling and angry redness which indicated an infection.
Sally put this down to a walk to the Drum & Monkey on Christmas Eve, as that 400 yard round trip was obviously worse than chasing after her and her horse around Bakewell on Boxing Day!
Speaking of which, she looked rather splendid in her new costume. It seems that she has had quite a few new costumes to accompany last year’s Christmas present!
Anyway, New Year’s Eve definitely provided a highlight as we ventured off to Edwina Currie’s jungle room for a party. Unfortunately we were not able to stay all night, but we were there long enough for a famous face to arrive. ‘I am sure that I know her,’ Sally announced, shortly followed by, ‘isn’t that Linda Lusardi?’ My first impression was that it couldn’t be Ms Lusardi unless she has had a breast reduction, but shortly afterwards the unsuspecting celebrity came over to speak to Sally and to complement her on her outfit (including the customised Primarni boots)!
We had to dash off, which Ms Lusardi was quite disappointed about, though she did happen to mention that she was appearing in panto in Northwich. Sally googled Linda Lusardi and found out that she was indeed in panto, but that was last year in Gravesend. However, the ever resourceful Lady M then googled Northwich panto and came up with Vicky Michelle, aka Yvette from Allo Allo! An easy mistake to make!
December 6, 2016 by Michael Madden
So, how was it for you?
Regular readers will no doubt be pleased to learn that that both of my complaints have been resolved. KLM paid £503 into my bank account mid November (for the flight chaos from July), whilst Virgin Trains, well, let’s just say they have paid compensation. Ok, since you asked, how much do you think they paid for the ordeal of standing nose to nose with the great unwashed for just under 2 hours on a train to London, where seat reservations were ‘out of the window’ (not literally of course)? The grand total of £5! A whole fiver, including the animal fat. Now before you get all giddy and put in a compensation claim of your own, that was between us. So, £2.50 each. That makes me feel a lot less guilty about blagging first class!
I’ve been in festive mood in the kitchen, I guess its all that Christmas Food channel on Sky. Anyway, my Creole Cake is steeping nicely, having been fed with rum, brandy and port. A drop of sherry before icing will just about do it. And thanks to Rachel Allen I now have a good idea of the ‘icing’ I am going to put on it. Speaking of the lovely Rachel (always had a thing for the Irish accent – southern of course), I used her recipe to make these interesting mince pie muffins with egg nog icing. I quite like them, Sally definitely does not. Helen does, but she seems to like everything I cook. Might put more mincemeat in them next time.
November 10, 2016 by Michael Madden
Slimline or Full Fat? Cucumber or Lemon? Lady M Insists!
Another successful experiment came in the shape of pumpkin pancakes. It always amuses me that people get excited by Halloween and pumpkin season, then post recipes stipulating canned pumpkin. These were definitely made with fresh pumpkin, and they were delicious.
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And its always nice to return home, unless Sapphire decides to leave you a little present on the doormat…
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I just wanted to let you know that our refund department has processed the payment (again) yesterday
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————–
503,00 GBP
Accounts Payable
June 3, 2016 by Michael Madden
Brexit And Ball Pools
Its been a busy few weeks – not even had any time to update this blog. And in the near future it looks like its going to get even busier! Could be off to Washington DC again, including a day trip to Toronto. Hopefully it will be all worth it in the end.
Of course, when you are busy your health can suffer, and when I saw my physio today she advised me that the swelling in my knee was a flare up through doing too much. Particularly cricket, and particularly batting. Well what can I say? I’ve got an average almost as big as my age (over 50), and on Saturday I batted for about 45 minutes with Ole as we put together a match winning partnership. So I guess I’ll have to bat left handed!
My sister Fiona got bitten by a dog, and yes I do think that this is as funny as you might imagine. Its caused a bit of a furore, and no doubt there will be compensation and retribution involved. In fact, I think she expects the dog to suffer the same fate as that gorilla.
So what’s been happening? Well, Zac, mainly. He went to a party at a jumping place in Handforth. All was well until it was time to leave and he realised he had dropped his inhaler in the ball pool. Of course, that was the cue for a mass invasion of the ball pool, and little round plastic balls being thrown everywhere. The inhaler was found, and Sally made a sharp exit amongst mumbled apologies.
Zac has also taken an interest in life insurance. I told him that if you break a leg you could only get a few hundred pounds at the most, but as ever, he has a plan. He suggested that you could pay a doctor to say that you have broken every bone in your body and you are lucky to be alive. Next day a cheque for half a million would arrive on your doorstep.
Unsurprisingly he has been grounded more than once, but it has had no effect. So I struck a deal. When my phone contract is up for renewal in January he can have my old phone, but every time he is naughty I will add a day onto the date that he gets it. Starting at zero, I would subtract 1 for every misdemeanour, and there were no additions. After three days he was on -8 and barred from his X-Box for five days. Back to the drawing board.
It has been a great month for kids football, with both Ole and Zac winning their respective leagues. Trophies galore, and junior presentation night should be entertaining at Whaley Club.
Back to Zac again, and a bit of a mystery about his maths homework. John Jodrell tipped me off as Lewis had to have his in the following day, and there was no sign of Zac doing any. ‘Are you in the same class as Lewis?’ I asked. ‘Yes’. ‘Well his homework has to be in tomorrow. Where’s yours?’ ‘Its at school.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Well its a long story…’ Anyone got a number for Supernanny?
The next story involves Meg, and Zac! Zac was supposed to escort Meg onto and off the school bus and bring her to our house. As an aside I received a text from Chapel School earlier in the day stating that there had been a small fire but everyone was safe. My first instinct was ‘what’s he done now?’ but it wasn’t actually him. He arrived home, but without Meg. ‘So where is she?’ ‘We had a fire at school. Must have lost her in the excitement.’ ‘Was she on your bus?’ ‘Don’t know.’ Fortunately Sally had anticpated this kind of thing and met Meg at the bus stop.
We had a nice treat when Pixie came round and stayed for a couple of days. She settled in well. Very chilled. Loves bouncing, strawberries, and vanilla slices.
Ive managed to get somewhere with the Rock & Roll musical. Five songs constructed and a good idea of the plot. Maybe next year…
Its barbeque season, and smoked cod loin and fresh tuna have already been on the menu. As have king prawns placed on foil with chilli, coriander and garlic oil. Leave them until they sizzle. We’ve also had plenty of marinated chicken (so easy, and so tender), and tonight I will unleash my new toy – a smoke box with apple and hickory wood chips. Today is an experiment before the pulled pork gets the full treatment on Sunday.
The latest orange infused Creole Cake is just as moist as the previous one. Not overpoweringly orangey – but the taste is there. Should have perfected this in time for Christmas.
My credit card got hacked again. What a pain that is. Cancelling everything and then having to set up new payment details for the likes of eBay, Amazon, etc. Maybe that’s the problem in the first place?!
In an attempt to focus Zac’s mind I have started teaching him COBOL. We’ve got as far as data (i.e. chapter 1) and we already have an attention span issue.
Finally, there’s the vote later this month. To Leave Or Not To Leave? That is the question.
Here’s an article extolling the virtues of voting out…
To Brexit
And here’s the opposite view…
Not To Brexit
I’ve come to the conclusion that nobody actually knows! To Brexit or not to Brexit – that is the question. We could revisit the reasons for joining in the first place, but the world has changed a lot since then. I’ve heard that leaving will be an economic disaster, and I’ve heard that we will become a new global superpower without the millstone of the EU. I’ve heard that the EU has prevented WW3 but we survived 20odd years without one prior to joining. I’ve heard that a joined up EU will prevent terrorism (tell that to Paris, Brussels, London, etc) and I’ve heard that closing our borders is the best policy. So really, no one knows, because no one has done it before. And really, if we left would you trust the politicians to do it properly, or will some behind the scenes links still exist to feather their nests (well they’ve got to make up for the expenses shortfall somehow). The only people who will definitely profit from a Brexit are the sign writers. So do your own research, toss a coin, ignore the political rhetoric, and hang on to your hats!
April 30, 2016 by Michael Madden
There’s A Moose Loose Aboot This Hoose
Regular readers will recall that Sally opened a packet of popcorn recently and found that it was nothing more than air. This week her box of compensatory goodies arrived. ‘Hardly a year’s supply,’ she complained, though I don’t think that was ever the deal. There was, of course, some popcorn, as well as Tyrell’s vegetable crisps (just don’t go there). Zac, however, was more interested in the airbags that were packed to ensure the goods remained undamaged. Wasn’t that the problem in the first place?
Sally came home yesterday waxing lyrically about the deer in the field a stone’s throw from our house. She then said that must be what Zac was on about when he said he had seen a moose. From there the conversation went downhill.
Sally, ‘Zac, that wasn’t a moose in the field, it was a deer’
Zac, ‘I didn’t say I saw a moose. I said I saw a yak’
Sally, ‘Well it wasn’t a yak it was a deer’
Zac, ‘It was a yak when I saw it’
This had the potential to go on for ages, so I decided to take a look for myself. I cycled that way this morning and saw no moose, no yaks, and no deer. I did see some horses under the trees, and from a distance it could be said that the branches above their heads looked like antlers. The case is not yet closed!
Last night I picked up Sally and Helen and gave Hell Dog a lift home to Chinley. They were clearly pissed. Sally spotted an unusual pattern in the sky…
Sally, ‘Look at the red sky. Red sky at night, shepherds delight’
Helen, ‘That always reminds me of shepherds pie. I like shepherds pie’
Sally, ‘I like shepherds pie too. Michael, do you like shepherds pie?’
I turned the music up. A lot.
The Creole Cake has had its first feed, with two tablespoons of Cointreau drizzled into it. Another three weeks until the official tasting. Book early!
Yesterday was home made pizza day. A bit of a faff, but well worth it in the end, and the combination of pineapple and jalapeno is quite mouthwatering.