October 3, 2018 by Mike Madden
Broccoli, Brett And A Bot
Well let’s start this month with Zac’s money making scheme. His first purchase has been a bot that runs on his laptop to automatically buy expensive Supreme stuff that he hopes to sell at a profit. The bot cost around £60 – and he left it running on his computer while he went off to school, leaving me with strict instructions on what I should and should not do. As it turned out it found the correct product, but failed to buy it because of incorrect credit card details. The following week it failed to buy because of a mis-spelling. Then, just to confirm it worked, Zac bought a keychain for £17. Yes, £17. It came with some labels too – and a shiny white plastic bag. But £17! I remain sceptical.
Next up Zac expressed an interest in Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan series. Mr Clancy also wrote the Rainbow Six tale that formed the basis of Rainbow Six Siege, one of Zac’s favourite X-Box games. “Would you read it if I bought it?” I asked, to which he replied, “Yes – it would be interesting.” So, I bought a paperback copy, and gave it him with some trepidation, all 900 pages of it.
“How does anyone even write anything this big?” he asked.
“If you read ten pages per day you will have finished it by Christmas,” I told him.
So, he read ten pages. A couple of weeks later I asked him how he was getting on with it.
“Still ten pages,” he replied.
“Well why don’t you read some now?”
“I only read on Tuesdays,” he said, at which point I told him it would take around five years to get through it, allowing for weeks when he doesn’t bother.
Anyway, another couple of weeks have passed and he’s still at ten pages!
Whilst on the subject of literature, do not believe everything that A.A. Milne writes in Winnie The Pooh. We have an oak tree in our garden, and I collected a bag full of haycorns for Nellie. She turned her nose up at them. Pigs do NOT like haycorns!
I have also discovered that mouldy heads of broccoli are not cordon bleu for Nellie, and she is getting a bit fed up with Dave’s cock that keeps wandering into her enclosure through a hole in the fence!
“You can keep your mouldy broccoli – and get rid of that cock!”
I have been busy in the kitchen, with Thai red curry, both chicken and vegetarian, as well as a hearty winter soup with cabbage, swede, lentils, leeks and celery. No pumpkin though – I have decided to save that for pumpkin chutney – more about that in the next edition.
Then there were the things Sally brought home! First up it was a giant onion that she obtained from the harvest festival.
I made this into a “Blooming Onion”, baked rather than deep fried ,so really quite healthy.
Then there was the marrow. She said her mum used to stuff them with savoury mince when she was a kid. So, I decided to recreate her childhood memories and produced a tasty dish of marrow, mince and melted cheese. I served it up, and Sally remarked, “when I said my mum used to make it I didn’t say that I actually liked it.” There’s no pleasing some people.
I also got started on my Creole Cake, here is stage 1 which is dried fruit steeped in a lot of alcohol. It will be left for another week before the cake is actually baked – and then it must be fed with more booze every week until Christmas when it will be iced with almond paste and baked again.
Next up it is gingerbread men – these won’t last until Christmas – Ole is coming home next week! And there was also a batch of very messy cupcakes – could have been down to my helper!
Ole has now gone back to university – so my first job was to post a pair of ripped jeans that he had forgotten to pack. The postage was around a fiver – and these jeans were torn at the knee. That may be fashion – but I wouldn’t have paid a fiver for them!
This year he is in a shared house – rented through Friends Lettings. They kindly put the tenants in touch with Glide Utilities who split all of the utility bills equally. If you ever find yourself getting involved with these two companies – run a mile. They are an absolute shambles, and totally incompetent. They basically exist to fleece students who perhaps do not know better. I won’t go into the Broadband “scam” whereby the students signed up for Broadband with Glide that Friends Lettings knew about in June, only to be told by Friends Lettings in August that Broadband was already in the house via the landlord. Glide then wanted to impose a £320 Broadband cancellation fee. There was also a list of several things wrong with the house, and it has taken several threats of withholding rent or even getting independent contractors in to make the house habitable, to get any action out of Friends Lettings.
Glide are considerably worse. Final demands are commonplace – and I have refused to allow a direct debit to be set up as once they start extracting money it will be virtually impossible to figure out what it was for. On 24th and 25th September they issued thirteen bills, the vast majority of which did not even add up.
Here is an example – if anyone can figure out what is owed and why please let me know!
I contacted Friends Lettings about their position and they said that they would get back to me asap. That was twelve days ago!
Lady M was feeling quite pleased with herself when she sorted out the RAC quote. Our joint policy cost £216 last year – our renewal this year was £234.99. She was not having that – so she rang them. After a bit of deliberation the quote reduced by a staggering sum to £149. She was bragging about saving £85, until I asked her why she had not done the same thing last year!
A few months ago Lady M was clearing out the garage and found, amongst other things, a rusty old bike and half of a kids scooter. She put them near the bins, hoping that somehow they would magically disappear, but they weren’t going in my car as I had already made several trips to the recycling centre at Waterswallows. Anyway, she obviously gave up hope, and decided that they would make rather a nice feature!
Ryanair Rooms sent me a survey. If anyone has ever travelled with Ryanair, you will know that it is marginally better than walking. By the time you have paid all of their add-ons it is generally not as cheap as you thought, but they get you there. There may be delays, there may be inconveniences, but they do get you there. However, Ryanair Rooms is a different proposition. Once I get to where I am going I want a bit of luxury, I certainly do not want to pay extra for a room key, air conditioning, or a surcharge for extra legroom under the reading desk.
Sad to report that a huge oak tree has fallen and damaged the war memorial in Whaley Bridge Memorial Park. There were plenty of volunteers to assist with the clean up in the aftermath – but apparently the council have it in hand.
We went to see Matilda the musical in Manchester a couple of days ago. It was a highly accomplished production, but it also showed just how good Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is – that is in a different league. The musical pays homage to the book, though most of the audience were probably more familiar with the film which is also based on the book! Confused – you will be. Well worth going to see! Our next trip to the theatre will be at the Royal Exchange for The Producers. There will be no preconceptions for this one as none of us have either read the book or seen the film.
Sally won yet more rosettes a couple of weekends ago – she is now turning the garage into a tack room, with a sink, heavy duty washing machine, hooks and shelves, and hopefully a display area for her growing trophy haul.
I am amazed at the number of people who fall for Clickbait on the internet. I am writing a short story called “Clickbait”, which plays on free giveaways, quizzes and other tricks designed to steal your details or worse. In support of this I have created a blog that I will be adding to over the next few months. The blog explains some of the tricks that you might fall for, and what you should be looking out for. Eventually it will also contain a link to the short story – but that is some way off as yet!
My article on the Norsk Americana Forum appearance in Leek has been published – you can find it here:-
or in the Articles section of this blog.
It has been a big few days for news on the other side of the pond. One of the major talking points has been the comeback of Tiger Woods, and as he walked up the 18th at Eastlake there were scenes that have never been seen before on a golf course. Hats off to him – many had written him off, and I look forward to seeing him challenge for more major titles in the years to come.
In politics the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh has been hitting the headlines – and whilst I will not go into the details here – this video mash up is one of the funniest things to come out of the whole charade.
I have interviewed some lovely authors on Ex Pat Radio recently, including Tracy Buchanan, Kat Diamond and Helen Fields. Next up its Sam Carrington, and that may be it, unless the station can arrange for shows to be pre-recorded. Sadly I have a new job, which looks like being full time! I will not be sorry to leave behind the traffic hell that is Nottingham, but I am not looking forward to the commute to Leeds – especially with winter about to start!
The Whaley Bridge Cricket Club Trip has enjoyed a bit of a renaissance – with seven members heading to the wonderful city of Nuremberg. Medieval streets, sausage stands, strong beer, it was like the Manchester Christmas Markets without the knob heads! Great destination, and our hotel was right next to FC Nuremberg’s stadium, so we all became fans for the weekend. They won 3-0 – which certainly helped.
Finally, The History Of Zombies has received a couple of very nice reviews. The first of these is on Amazon, written by a schoolteacher.
In a world where children are increasingly desensitised to violence, it is refreshing to read a piece of zombie YA fiction which takes this into consideration. In Jimmy and Zak, Madden has created two young heroes who have a modern attitude towards the apocalypse, facing the perils in front of them with humour as well as terror.
Whilst the gore is very real, and described vividly at times, there is a sense of relevance, and a connection to youth culture which I think children would find refreshing to read. There is a pace and narrative which is easy to follow and engage with, as well as interesting characters with depth and backstory which makes them believable.
The book is short at 106 pages, which makes it of suitable length to twist a plot around zombies of noir, barklan and vertige to name but a few, but also brief enough to give the more reluctant readers an achievable and rewarding reading experience.
I would recommend the book to those looking for a zombie novel with subtlety and humour intertwined with blood and guts!
The second came in a personal message on Twitter from one of the children who are reading the book after being inspired by their teacher’s book wall.
Makes it all worthwhile!
September 12, 2018 by Mike Madden
Lady M Strikes Again
I should probably have known better. Lady M came in for some criticism recently for not lifting a finger in the kitchen, but suddenly, without warning, she announced that she was going to make a hearty stew followed by apple pie. I came home to the results of her handiwork, and it was baffling. I must have had a puzzled look on my face as she uttered the immortal warning, “If you want to eat any of this you better keep your mouth shut.” A somewhat bizzare statement, but ultimately good advice. The stew was supposed to be slow cooked lamb, but the lamb had been cooked separately. The stew itself was a medley of root vegetables. Rather chunky root vegetables, and there was a separate pot of gravy. However, this was a culinary masterpiece compared to the apple pie. I commented, without so much as a smirk, that it was rather red. “I put raspberries and blueberries in,” was the lady’s rather terse reply, so I decided not to mention the unhealthy excess of pastry that appeared to have been piled up around the sides. Now, I like apple pie to be, well, “appley”, with discernible chunks of the quintessentially English fruit. I was out of luck! I can only assume that the apples had been stewed for a considerable period of time as the filling had the consistency of a kind of fruity passata.
A few days later I was giving Ole a lift home, and I asked him if he had sampled the apple pie. “That was apple pie?” he questioned. “I thought it was jam and pastry.” He was on a roll so he continued his assault on mum’s culinary expertise. “Why was there no meat in the stew?” I had no response other than to suggest that mum had deliberately cooked the lamb separately, but that was not enough. “She seemed to have just chopped carrots in half and thrown the whole lot in, like she couldn’t be bothered.” He seemed quite relieved that he was heading back to uni later that day.
The junior football season is back, and Zac needs new goalkeeper gloves. After much searching he settled on a pair of blue Adidas Fingersave Replique, and I ordered them from the Sports Direct website. To use the phrase “they arrived” would be misleading, as I will explain. The parcel seemed a little flimsy, and as I opened it I could see that the item inside was not the blue as ordered, but instead it was a rather insipid “aqua energy”. I also noticed that they were not “Fingersave”, in that there were no spines to protect fragile fingers. When I discovered that they had sent size 9 rather than size 8, I thought to myself what else could go wrong? And of course something else could, as they had only actually sent one glove! I contacted them via Twitter and through their website and I am awaiting a response. Their policy seems to suggest that I should pay for the returns! I will keep you posted.
The gloves were the wrong size, colour and type…
…and there was only one of them!
Back to the kitchen and I switched half of the flour in my quick brownies for ground almonds. A bit more protein! And Zac has not noticed the difference.
He wouldn’t touch the Beef Enchiladas – but that’s probably just as well as they disappeared very quickly. I will definitely be trying those again, maybe with chicken next time.
London is always an interesting trip, and a couple of weeks ago we caught the train from Macclesfield to London Euston. A tube ride saw us reach Putney where we had booked a very nice Airbnb at a fraction of the cost of a hotel. As we passed row upon row of very expensive terraced houses Zac made an interesting observation. “Everywhere in London is very narrow. Basically, you can’t live in London if you are morbidly obese.” Buyer beware! And speaking of buyers, Zac’s sneaker reselling business has still not got off the ground. However, one of his friends had an appointment at the Supreme store in Manchester, and Zac was very excited about this exclusive opportunity. He asked his pal if he could get certain things, and offered to pay a £20 premium. We thought that, as they were friends, surely there would be no need for such a surcharge, but businessman Zac disagreed. “I would charge him,” he announced. We walked out over Putney Bridge across the Thames, and caught the river bus into the city centre. Zac was fascinated by the different architecture, whilst Ole wanted to know the history. Having landed at Embankment all they wanted was a trip to Hamley’s toy shop, so we walked through crowded streets, made even more so by some insane joggers who didn’t seems to mind gulping in the polluted air. Sally and Zac were very impressed when Ole summoned us an Uber, though the driver was probably glad when he dropped us off after almost half an hour of intense questioning from Lady M.
The following morning a Wetherspoons breakfast overlooking the river was a very cheap £17 for four of us, then we caught the tube to Tottenham Court Road. From there we walked to PC World to get Zac a mouse, then to the Palace Theatre for the marathon performance of Harry Potter And The Cursed Child. This was an excellent production, thankfully in two parts as it lasts over five hours. In between parts we headed to Covent Garden where we found TGI Fridays. Ole’s Warrior Burger was impressive, as was the rest of the food at this long standing American themed chain. However, our curiosity was tweaked by a huge queue outside a small ice cream parlour called Milk Train just across the road. The queue was around the block, and it didn’t seem to die down at any point. Our waitress explained that social media was largely the reason behind its popularity, and it was in Time Out and other magazines as one of the top ten things to do in Covent Garden. The novelty? The ice cream was surrounded by candy floss, an idea that has not yet caught on north of Watford. Look forward to seeing it on the menu at Cafe 110 very soon!
Back at the theatre Sally got involved in relocating some audience members who couldn’t quite fit in the front row seats. The performance continued and although it was a brilliant experience we were glad to get in another Uber afterwards.
Seats were close together at the Palace Theatre
Our final day saw us get another tube to central London, followed by a lengthy walk back to Euston. We managed around 12 miles in less than 48 hours, although Zac was complaining towards the end. He now wants to know when Uber will reach Whaley Bridge.
We discussed our next family trip, and Sally suggested the Highland Games in Scotland. Zac was not in favour. “They all wear kilts, so every now and then you get a view of someone’s privates because they don’t wear anything underneath.”
Sally and I had a lovely family day out yesterday at Chester Zoo, with my mum and her great grandaughter Nixie. Inevitably the only one who wasn’t tired at the end of it all was the two year old, and a bit like kids playing with the boxes rather than the toys at Christmas, she seemed to like the statues much more than the real animals!
Ere Be Dragons!
I have been doing a lot of writing recently, and some old publicity has finally landed in the form of the August High Peak Review. Here is the original article from back in the spring!
And there is another poem published in The Pangolin Review
I have also been providing lots of stuff for book walls at various schools across the country. This includes copies of Ole And Zac And The Port Of Tumbattle and The History Of Zombies, as well as postcards, poems and various other bits. If your school could use any of this just get in touch through the contact form on my website.
Finally, I have been working on another article for Leek Blues & Americana. This time the subject is the Norsk Americana Forum. Very intriguing set of musicians, and I look forward to meeting them at the festival in October.
August 4, 2018 by Michael Madden
Football, Festivals And The Advantage Of Two Badges
Well, the World Cup came and went, and not without incident. Ole described the night it kicked off in the White Hart, but he still went back for more at the semi final stage!
Cricket was the bad guy, as the quarter final fell on Saturday afternoon. Efforts to get our game started early were quickly thwarted, but at least Hazel Grove had the good grace to collapse for a paltry 75. This allowed us to claim a ten wicket win and get to the pub for the second half.
At home I had a much more sophisticated solution to the “where shall we watch the game?” problem. Regular readers will know that I bought a portable aerial, and we recently bought some garden furniture perfect for lounging in. The television has an anti glare screen, so with all of the good weather it was a no brainer to put the TV opposite the furniture and we could pretend we were in Spain!
“The coverage in Mike Madden’s garden is tremendous,” said Gary Neville
Whilst this was going on I struck up a friendship with a French blues singer Sofai Martins. She asked me to write an article to promote her new album Free Loving Human, which I did. We then chatted about football, and being French she was over the moon with their victory. She was just disappointed that they did not get to thrash England in the final.
The article is available on the Articles Page of my new website! Speaking of which, I hope you are enjoying the new site. It is fresher, cleaner and greatly simplified compared to the old one that has been consigned to history. I am just ironing out a few teething troubles, so if you spot anything that isn’t working please get in touch.
One of the tasks I set myself was to ensure that all of my blog content was successfully copied across. This worked except for a couple of videos. How difficult can it be to extract a video from Blogger? Well, its dead easy according to some sites. Just use Video Grabber (didn’t work), and if that fails use Video Converter (didn’t work). As a last resort you could use the Firefox browser with the Greasemonkey plug in (didn’t work). Actually, the solution was simple. I did eventually use Firefox, but with the Video Download Helper extension. I guess the clue is in the name!
My blog that details my forty year career in IT is now finished – for those of a curious disposition you can read it all here…
Meanwhile, its been a very busy time in the kitchen, both physical and metaphorical. At one point I rewarded myself with homemade Bakewell Tart and custard!
Elsewhere, my kitchen has extended to the Drum & Monkey and the Shepherds, where chilli, paella and red Thai chicken curry have all featured in various Big Pan events. Of course, Ole is still at home, so we are getting through copious amounts of chicken, and the arrival of granddaughter Nixie meant that brownies were in order (which she helped me to make, of course). No such problems with Zac, he still eats carbs and sausages, with the occasional apple begrudgingly thrown in.
Sometimes its difficult to come up with a bit of variety, but chopping half a chorizo sausage into chicken fajitas seemed to be a very popular move, except with Sally who thought they were too spicy.
Nellie’s food bags seem to be getting bigger every day, though Zac is fighting against the tide. “Sod Nellie,” he said as he threw an apple core into the bin rather than her bag. The lovable Nellie is now the star of several videos. The ones below are the same, with different music. I will let you decide which one you prefer.
We had a bit of a hiccup on Ex Pat Radio this morning as the station lost all communications. That was quite disappointing as my special guest was Carole Lieberman who has been on every show and in every newspaper under the sun. Her chosen subject was how to teach terrorism to children (dealing with it rather than causing it!) Hopefully we can reschedule for September. Last week saw a return for the delightful Caroline England whose My Husband’s Lies is riding high in the Kindle chart, whilst David Darling’s maths protegee and co-writer Agnijo Banerjee has just won the Maths Olympiad!
In the next few weeks I am hoping to be able to record some of the shows to include on the Radio Page of my website.
I really cannot make head nor tail of what is going on in the US. The problem is that Democrats contradict everything Republicans say, and vice versa. President Trump is pretty much a standing joke globally, or is that propaganda? Who knows? Yesterday he demanded, via Twitter, that the Mueller investigation be halted by the Attorney General who recused himself from that investigation. This morning he has praised Fox News over CNN (for the millionth time), and he has also praised Greg Jarrett for writing a book that claims the whole Russia thing is a hoax designed to clear Hillary Clinton and frame Donald Trump. Personally, I didn’t think that the President could promote a private enterprise such as this, and I have no idea who is telling the truth, but it sure beats Coronation Street!
My second contribution to The Pangolin Review is now live, with a third on the way.
This one is called Time and it is an example of Triolet (as is the whole edition).
I am quite inspired by The Pangolin Review and have decided to publish my own collection entitled The River.
I may even include a couple of guest poems – if you are interested please let me know.
I am also looking for an inspirational cover shot. Sally has one of the river at Chatsworth but it looks a bit calm. However, we are heading to Croatia in a couple of weeks, where there are rivers and waterfalls in abundance. Can’t wait. It seems like ages since I’ve been on holiday. Two days in Palma for a wedding don’t count!
And its not just us that are going on holiday. Nancy (you know, the Christmas Present) will also be going away to an eventing school. She will have lots of fun, and she will be kept active by a variety of riders. But of course, as Lady M confirmed, she will only be ridden by professionals!
Another thing I am very much looking forward to is Halloween. Not just for the normal fun and games, because this year I have planted pumpkins. Will they grow in time? Will they grow at all? Will the pumpkins be big enough?
Here is the latest pic…
Although the internet is full of supposedly viral messages and videos, its actually quite difficult to get something to actually go viral. Well, none other than Clive Ashton achieved it with the recreation of Vindaloo by the citizens of Leek, headed by Clive himself. At one point he called me from the Palace Hotel in Buxton, he was holed up there to get away from the incessant demands of the press!
Might have to have a trip to see Clive and the rest of Leek in the near future.
Well what can we say. What a great turnout. I love the fact that Leek is an amazing town.No other town could pull this off.THANKYOU to everyone for turning out, a big thankyou to Tim Burgess and Jason Sales for supplying the music system.LTV – Be proud #itscominghome #vindaloo #england #worldcup #leek #leekvindaloo
Posted by Leek TV on Sunday, 8 July 2018
Zac is currently obsessed with expensive limited edition trainers. The latest are Nike Presto off white in white, whatever that means! Previous attempts have failed because he either lost out in a raffle or he overslept and missed the trainers going online. Anyway, there is another opportunity tomorrow – I’ll let you know how he gets on.
Work is beginning to tail off in time for holidays, which is a good thing. However I was down in Leamington Spa last week. Usual crap traffic on the M1 and a small office that was still warm despite doors and windows ajar. Anyway, I got to the respite of the hotel with the temperatures still touching 90, and discovered that the hotel had no air-conditioning! Phew what a scorcher! as The Sun would say.
Anyway, I don’t think it will be quiet for long, particularly if this new Y2K type issue materialises…
Zac was counting down the days to the end of the school term, clearly ignoring subjects that he would not be taking as part of his GCSE courses, and which he considered to be a waste of time. This was reflected in his end of term report. One of the subjects began with…
“Zac is not exactly disruptive and it’s not that he doesn’t try…”
You just know there’s a “but” coming!
So, the holidays are here, and now he seems to be counting down the days until he returns to school, but not in a good way! He brought some lady friends round to our house, mainly to swank about the new garden furniture and watching tv outdoors, but as he walked through the front door he issued a cautionary note!
“Hey guys, is anyone naked, I’ve got guests?”
Sometimes those guests can overstay their welcome, and on a separate occasion Sally called out to him, “Come on Zac we have to go out,” precipitating the departure of his friends. Sally and him were not going out, but he was very relieved as he had not been on his X-Box for some considerable time, and I can see him using this nefarious partnership in the future.
Sally had her cousins round to visit, and she planned to use my coffee maker. I pointed out that it needed descaling, so I put a descaling tablet in the water reservoir. I then went off to cricket. Sally forgot all about this, and made the coffee complete with descaler. To be fair, her cousins should be well aware of her culinary skills by now.
Nixie has become quite the chatterbox, and she is learning all the time. “How many legs has Dolly got?” “Two”. “How many legs has Bobby got?” she had to be helped out with that one, “Four”. How many legs has Nixie got?” She looked down, pointed at them each in turn and said, “this one and that one”.
Its been a busy time for Ole, starting with his birthday for which we went to Bailey’s Burger Night. A great experience, but unfortunately burger nights are no more. They are looking to introduce another theme in the near future.
The following day he was off to Benicassim, a Spanish music festival between Valencia and Barcelona. I gave him a checklist, which he ignored. One item on it was “book transfer to / from festival”. He decided to do this the day before travel, and guess what? There were none available. So they had to pay a premium and book a private one. It was amusing to watch him and Bruce try to figure out what could be left out of their big bag to keep the weight down, then they set off for the bus. Twenty SECONDS later I had to chase after them, taking their charging packs that they had bought specifically for the festival. They got there late, and it was hot. Very hot. Ole couldn’t sleep, then he felt ill. They went to the beach which afforded some respite, but it was still hot. And he was hungover. After a day of water he seemed fine again. Funny that! They made regular trips to the beach for food, and Lidl for alcohol, generally having a whale of a time. Then it was time to go home. One of their friends had booked a hostel in Barcelona for the last two days of their week long stay. I suggested a hotel in Reus, close to their departure airport. It would have cost about the same, but they would have had bigger rooms and use of a pool. As it turned out the train station was so busy that they abandoned the idea and got an apartment in Benicassim. They then booked another transfer to the airport and arrived home later that day. It was an experience, and one that they will all learn from, especially Ole who likes his home comforts. So, I suspect a hotel or apartment with a pool and as little time spent under canvas as possible.
His return coincided with his debut in an official film, as he played a rapist in a short video about consent made by The Television Workshop in Salford. He had the lead role, and he had to be in Manchester for two whole days. However, being the star he got his own changing area, and he got paid £60 whilst the others had to settle for £30. Not yet seen a star go up on his bedroom door, but it can only be a matter of time!
And then there’s his job! Saturday morning saw him back at Cafe 110, and although the work is easy enough, he had to spend a considerable amount of time catching up with Donna’s gossip, and vice versa!
There was another trip to York Races last week, for their musical showcase event starring Tom Jones. Now, Sir Tom has been ill recently, so there was some doubt as to his participation, but York announced he would definitely be appearing so we looked forward to it. We parked at our usual hotel, the wonderful Middlethorpe Hall, and Sally got the day off to a fine start with a large gin & tonic. We headed for the course, and although it was still early there was a queue of around fifty people at our entrance. However, the owners, trainers and jockeys entrance was empty, so Lady M hatched a cunning plan. Entry to racecourses is done by badge. We had badges for the Parade Ring restaurant, but we also had our members badges. She marched up to the entrance and looked with disdain at the larger queue. She turned to the man on the gate and said, “We have two badges, surely we don’t have to queue up with them?” The man on the gate smiled and waved us through! The Parade Ring restaurant is a new experience for us at York, but definitely one that will be repeated. We sat overlooking the parade ring, sipping a welcoming drink of locally distilled potato vodka and tonic. Sally then started on a bottle of champagne, and by the time the lady came round to take bets for the first race she was in a bit of a tizzy!
Anyway, we persevered, and the waiters and waitresses were very attentive serving a very nice meal. My only criticism would be that I can make a Bakewell tart better than their “almond tart”! One waitress, however, blotted her copybook with Lady M. “Were you here last year?” she asked, to which Lady M replied, “not in this part, but you may have seen me elsewhere.” “Oh no,” said the waitress, “I only do this restaurant. I just thought you looked familiar.” There can be no greater insult. The last thing Lady M wants to look is “familiar”!
Around the start of the first race there was a thunderstorm. It was so bad that they dispensed with the starting stalls, and then it poured down. One particular lady who begged the question “has she dispensed with knickers or is her thong riding up?” got happily soaked, but the racing continued without further interruption. Unfortunately, about ten minutes before the last race, York announced that Sir Tom would not be performing as he could not get to the course due to the electrical storms. There was uproar, outrage, amusement, indignation, and refunds! We received 25% off our restaurant package, as well as £80 cashback for being members. However, others had booked cheap tickets with the sole intention of seeing Sir Tom, and their 50% would in some cases have amounted to a tenner!
Back at the hotel the storm had caused a power cut. We sat in the drawing room amid flickering lights powered by a flimsy back up generator, and rather than serve hot chocolate and sandwiches, the head waiter told ghost stories. Anyway, our next trip there will be in August for Ladies Day. Lady M is planning an outfit to commemorate the 100 year anniversary of the end of the Great War. Of course, pictures will be mandatory.
Finally, some news that may be expanded upon in the next edition. Ole has received a call for an audition for a significant part in a big production. Originally he was called to London but they allowed him to do a self tape. That will be assessed, and if it is good enough he will get a “Call Back”, again in London. Sally is very excited, and spent at least three hours Googling the first series of the show in question. She is, of course, helping with the self tape, and it would come as no great surprise if she actually appeared in it!
August 2, 2018 by Mike Madden
Whaley Bridge Rose Queen Carnival
This article first appeared in the High Peak Review.
We are rapidly approaching Carnival season, when shops, pubs and even lampposts dress up for the occasion, bunting lines the streets, and then there are the parades and processions. But spare a thought for the huge amount of work that goes on behind the scenes to ensure that everything runs smoothly, not only on the day, but during the weeks before and afterwards.
The Annual Whaley Bridge Rose Queen Festival is in its 35th year, but there is evidence that similar events took place over 100 years ago.
The planning for the Whaley Bridge event starts in December when the design of the floats and the flowers is completed. This is hugely important, as the floats will also be used at many other carnivals, such as Buxton, Bamford, Hazel Grove, Chapel-en-le-Frith and New Mills.
In January, work commences on the programme. This involves commissioning articles for the interior pages, as well as the key task of contacting local traders to place advertisements. The programme has to be at the printers by the end of March, so that it can be proof read, printed and distributed in plenty of time for the big event in June. Programmes are given to local youth groups, such as after school clubs, guides, brownies and junior sports clubs, and all proceeds from the sale of these programmes are retained by the groups themselves.
The focal part of the Rose Queen festival is the Royalty, and the committee are finding it increasingly difficult to get families to allow their children to participate, as it is a time consuming commitment, and there are so many other distractions that the children also want to take part in.
The run up to carnival day involves a logistical exercise that must be executed with military precision. The police, Derbyshire Council and St John’s Ambulance must all be engaged, letters need to be written to the Mayor and the Chair of the Council, and then there is the selection of judges. Some of these must be from outside Whaley Bridge, whilst others must be residents of the village. The Royalty travel from Buxworth to Whaley Bridge on the Judith Mary canal boat, so this has to be arranged too. Prizes are a big part of the event, and organisations such as The Caverns, Lyme Park and Heights Of Abraham need to be contacted to try to procure complimentary tickets.
With the cost of living inevitably rising, the committee have launched several initiatives that will be subsidised or even free in 2011. These include circus skills and face painting, as well as a stall to encourage the children to make bunting that will be recycled for use in future years.
The Rose Queen procession led to Whaley Bridge Bowling Club in 2010, a tradition that the committee are keen to continue. There is plenty of room for the marquee that is used for the Queen’s Arena, and alongside the marquee there is another large area that needs to be organised in terms of the stallholders and the fairground. All of the organisers and participants, as well as the spectators, will obviously be hungry and thirsty, so catering arrangements are high of the list of priorities. Finally, well deserved refreshments must be provided at the end of the day for the Whaley Bridge Royalty, local dignitaries, judges, and the Rose Queen Festival Committee.
A typical Rose Queen Festival Day starts at 7am for many members of the Committee, and runs right through to 9pm, including the onerous task of tidying up. Whilst all of this is going on there is also the planning of the Sunday Car Boot Sale, so the following day is usually an early start at the canal basin. Whaley Bridge Band perform in the marquee at the Bowling Club later on Sunday, and the following Wednesday it plays host to an assortment of cats, dogs, snails, ferrets, etc, in the annual Pet Show.
The committee have some long standing members, with three of them having served for over 30 years, but they are always looking for new blood. If you would like to get involved please contact Chairperson Ann Bell whose details can be found in the Rose Queen Festival programme.
by Mike Madden
The Judith Mary
This article first appeared in the High Peak Review.
There is something quintessentially English about the sight of a narrowboat meandering down a country waterway, and when the captain of the narrowboat is the distinguished figure of Allen Kelsall it certainly reinforces the image.
Allen has been involved with the Judith Mary narrowboat since 1983, including in 1988 when a second Judith Mary was built by Anglo Welsh in Whaley Bridge. He is a trained chef, and as he had a catering company it seemed to be a natural move for him to supply the restaurant boat with high quality food.
In 1991 he bought both Judith Mary vessels, although the original initially moved to Chester, and then further afield. “The first Judith Mary now operates around Stalybridge under the name Staley Rose,” explained Allen.
The route that the present day Judith Mary sails is along the Upper Peak Forest canal which, at 518 feet, was the highest navigable canal in England until recently when the Huddersfield canal was rebuilt.
For twenty two years the regular journey used to be a return trip to New Mills, until 2005 when the long awaited opening of the Buxworth canal basin resulted in a much more picturesque cruise.
Allen undertakes around 250 trips per year, each lasting for around two and a half hours, giving him over six hundred hours afloat annually. Every cruise caters for up to 38 passengers, serving a selection of good food as well as drinks from the licensed bar. It is a daunting prospect to keep the Judith Mary operational for this packed schedule, and he uses a local man to look after the engines to ensure that the boat passes its stringent annual inspection in water, as well as in dry dock at Kerridge.
He also engages the services of renowned Paint Master Andy Russell to keep the external appearance looking shipshape, with details such as lettering and floral details needing regular attention.
Of course, things do not run smoothly all of the time, and last year Mr Kelsall had a potential disaster on his hands when an engine fault prevented him from his regular engagement of transporting the Whaley Bridge Carnival royalty from Buxworth to Whaley Bridge. Fortunately, a Buxworth boat stepped into the breach, and Allen was able to use a variety of day boats to effectively tug the Judith Mary for the remainder of the week until the engine could be repaired.
The Carnival Royalty are not the only VIPs that Allen has entertained, as his other passengers have included Princess Diana, Barbara Castle and Edwina Currie as well as presenter Bob Greaves and footballer Gary Owen. Despite being a fan, he did not immediately recognise ex Manchester City player Owen. “I told him ‘you look just like Gary Owen’, and it was rather embarrassing when he replied ‘I am’,” admitted Allen.
Most of the Judith Mary bookings are for parties, including hosting the infamous Whaley Bridge Cricket Club Trip on more than one occasion, but there are also public sailings as well as the opportunity to charter the boat. For more information please visit www.judithmary.co.uk.
May 15, 2018 by Michael Madden
Things That Go ‘Bump’ In Ashbourne
Well, the Christmas Present (from 2016) is proving to be a dangerous business. Regular readers will remember the ‘going for a scan’ incident, well now we have had the ‘broken bridge’ incident in Ashbourne. Sally was on an all day lesson involving dressage, show jumping and cross country. At the end of the day there was an obstacle known as the broken bridge, a jump that had a lower landing than take off area. Nancy, the horse, jumped it magnificently. Sally, the rider, didn’t! She clung on as Louise filmed. Unfortunately, as Louise realised that Sally was about to hit the deck, she shrieked and the camera pointed at the sky, missing the £250 moment!
Louise managed to get her back to Buxton, and Ole, Zac and myself drove up to fetch her. Zac wanted to know how many people saw the incident, as he wanted to gauge the level of embarrassment. Ole drove my car back as I drove Sally and hers. The following day the medical staff at Stepping Hill gave the good news that nothing was broken, it was simply bruising and soft tissue damage. A liberal supply of painkillers was advised, and Sally went to the physio for ongoing treatment. This involved ultrasound and a series of exercises, but after a few days things were not improving. The second physio session, ten days after the original accident, gave cause for concern, and the physio sent her to Buxton Cottage hospital. Having been there myself for a dislocated shoulder, I was surprised that anyone would consider the Cottage for first line medical support, but to their credit they took several x-rays and diagnosed a broken shoulder blade.
No driving for two weeks, no horse riding for who knows how long, and an appointment at the fracture clinic, back at Stepping Hill. Their second attempt at diagnosis confirmed the break, and they gave her an improved collar and cuff. So, several trips to the farm and dozens of pain killers and anti-inflammatory pills later, I have discovered that the boxes of pills at Tesco do not register on the self checkouts, and Nellie the pig loves potatoes.
Speaking of Nellie – here she is – rushing to get her nose in my bag of goodies!
Next up is a film review. I have often wondered where Sky manage to get all of their movies from. That quantity must inevitably lead to a lack of quality, and that is what I encountered with The Hurricane Heist. If you want to watch a hurricane movie, I recommend Twister, This disaster started in a very similar way, but then somehow introduced the robbery of millions of dollars in used notes. The special effects at the end were hammed up in a poor imitation of The Mummy, and the whole thing was a preposterous mess. I guess casting someone from The Office in the role of evil bad guy was always going to be a bit of a stretch!
Ole had another of his “fuming” moments last week, not as dramatic as the middle of the night pizza delivery guy episode, but certainly more costly. He had taken out a student Spotify subscription at £4.99 rather than the usual £9.99. In November he received an email asking him to tick a box to verify he still wanted the student subscription. He didn’t tick the box so his subscription went up to £9.99, and he didn’t realise until April! He had absolutely no idea what to do, so after I pointed him in the direction of the website he ended up on Live Chat. The stress of this was horrendous, so he called me to act as his interpreter to the Live Chat guy. It worked, he got refunded his latest fiver overpayment, and they gave him some months free. He was about £15 down on the deal, but maybe that will teach him to check his emails a bit more carefully!
There was more drama from the direction of Salford University when Ole realised that he needed to pick his options for next year. Once again it involved a phone call to me, with Ole on the other end trying to navigate a website that I could not see. “Oh maybe its three I need to choose – no, wait – its five. This is ridiculous – oh – its given me four.” There was much huffing and puffing in a “the world is against me” kind of way. I think he will play the role of drama queen to perfection.
The struggle with Zac’s food choices goes on. He has agreed to try lobster, and maybe steak in gravy as he once had a chip (singular) in gravy and he quite liked it. “What about a pie?” I asked, pointing out that they have gravy in. “I can’t see me eating a pie,” he replied. “Why not?” “Because its a pie.” So that’s another crossed off the list.
Zac also had an interesting conundrum whilst watching the Champions League semi final. As a player went down injured the commentator said that the other players were right to play on unless it is a head injury.
Zac, so you only have to stop play if its a head injury?
Me, yes
Zac, what if its a heart attack?
Over to Mark Clattenburg.
You may recall that Ole had his driving test cancelled at short notice. That was back in January. The powers that be have finally refunded him £48 to compensate for two hours of additional lessons that he had to pay for to cover the revised test. However, they would not pay for his transport to get back from Salford to take his revised test, as they only pay travel expenses for those incurred on the day of the original test, and he had none of these as he was already at home. I have no idea how their logic works!
Zac has developed quite bad eczema on his hands, so I managed to get him some black silk gloves to protect them. One of his hands is worse than the other, so he often wears just one of these gloves. I think he must have been watching Michael Jackson on Youtube.
Sally decided to cook beef braised with onions in a red wine sauce last week. However, after about two hours it had dried up. She inspected it, and asked, ‘Do you want me to put pastry on it as its got a bit of a burnt taste.’ I had no idea that pastry could conceal the acrid black taste that meat takes on when it has been allowed to dry out in a red hot pan, but I wasn’t prepared to take the chance. Its the first time that I have ever had fish finger butties for Sunday dinner!
Our friends the ducks are back.
Now, they may not be the same ones as these, but they are just as friendly!
So, how is Sally acclimatising to her predicament after a couple of weeks without driving? She is a real ‘Woman of the people.’ ‘I have turned down two alcoholic beverages, I have walked all the way up the hill to the church, and I have taken a ride on a bus,’ she declared.
Finally, local cricket appears to be suffering a long, slow death, though maybe not so slow if recent events are anything to go by. The games are too long for the youth of today, and the situation will only get worse. Whaley Bridge failed to field a second team for a league match for the first time in living memory last week – and that might not be the last occasion this happens this season.
Turning from Old to New Horwich Road
The footsteps slow
The breath deepens
The incline takes its toll
Onwards and upwards
To the place where the tarmac ends
And a choice awaits
To the left, who knows?
To the right, a track
That does not deserve the name of any thoroughfare
A simple, small, often concealed sign
Marks the way to WBCC
Beware of dogs, horses, ramblers
And take extra care if your car has a low exhaust
Passing places stretch the term
As side by side two vehicles dance
And rock and almost kiss
As the overgrown verge conceals discarded rock
From dry stone walls
Upwards and onwards once more
A gate, a wall
A wall, a gate
Turn to the right
And rest
And breathe
Breathe in that cleanest of air
And gaze across the landscape
Boats rest on placid water
Clouds smile above a green tapestry
Criss-crossed with grey lines
And patchwork made good
With brown remnants
This is the picture from a jigsaw puzzle box
This is Blake’s England
This is Blake’s green and pleasant land
Below, the land is closer
A green baize
Where twenty two protagonists do battle
For nought but glory of the day
They chat
They play
They chat
Then play some more
Telling tales
Ever taller the more often told
Tall tales
That have lasted beyond a generation
Creating those that will last
A generation more
Ebbing and flowing
The game progresses
And starts and stops
Ah yes
It must be time for tea
Cherish and support your cricket club before it is too late!
April 20, 2018 by Michael Madden
Blogs, Hogs And My Drama Exam
Zac was very excited to get his first ‘Season Pass’ for Alton Towers. For £55 he can go as many times as he wants this year, and his first visit was an inset day last Monday. I dropped him off, he picked up his pass, and in he went. When he got home I told him to put the pass in the drawer with his bank card. Unfortunately, when he emptied his bag, there was no pass. He had lost it within a matter of hours of picking it up. We rang round and no-one had it. Emailed Alton Towers, but nothing. However, all is not lost. For £10 he can get a replacement. So, he decided that he would work off the debt and get a new card. Mum offered to give him a couple of hours of chores to cover the £10, but he was shocked. ‘I’m not working for minimum wage,’ he announced, and that was that! He wasn’t even swayed when he found out that Ole was on less than £5 per hour this time last year. Zac is a bit more cunning than that. Beware, he has ‘outsourced’ his jobs before, and I can see this happening again.
An exchange student has been in to Zac’s school, from Denmark. Zac feigned interest, but his ears pricked up when a surprising fact emerged. There are 6 pigs for every person in that particular corner of northern Europe, but I suppose with so much Danish bacon its got to come from somewhere. Anyway, that brings me on to my latest friend, Nellie. Nellie is a pig at the farm where Sally goes to ride Nancy. Nellie is very friendly, particularly if you have a bag of food. She doesn’t like oranges or cabbage, but she loves potatoes and strawberries.
You can find the first three episodes, including my Punk Programmer phase, here:-
“Thrilled to see my 12 year old son engaging with a book. He really enjoyed this book. Roll on the next one!”
The finest voice ever to come out of Wales is probably that of Tom Jones, and we will be going to see Tom after racing in York. Someone asked me if Tom often played venues such as York racecourse. I said “Its not unusual”.
And speaking of Zac – he announced that he is going to be the next Stephen Hawking. His brother was dismissive. ‘You mean you are going to ride around in a wheelchair with a funny voice?’ but Zac had a response. ‘Well all you do is drama,’ delivered in a voice that Laurence Olivier would have been proud of.
Finally, a sad ending. We lost a dear friend recently, 19 year old Callum. He has been a friend of the family, and particularly Ole, for many years. So sad to see so many young people at his funeral, but they turned it into a joyous occasion. Callum played Edgar Allan Poe in our production of The Raven, a challenging role that he pulled off with great skill and characterisation. He will be fondly missed.
February 26, 2018 by Michael Madden
Scary In Print – Scarier In The Kitchen!
A couple of catch ups from the festive period, we went to see Guys And Dolls at the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester. This fantastic theatre always puts on a good show, and midweek tickets for under 26 year olds are just £7. Get yourself down there.
My surgery developed an infection, so my surgeon prescribed a seven day course of antibiotics. Fortunately, it being the festive season, they were unaffected by alcohol. However, they did provide another conundrum – the instructions said to take them either one hour before or two hours after food. When does that ever happen? Anyway, they obviously worked as a few days later I was given the all clear – and that’s that. Twenty five months after a high tibial osteotomy, I now have the legs of an 18 year old. He will be livid when he finds out.
Another good thing happened at Christmas – my credit card stopped working! Something to do with fraud, and I had to get a new card. No spending on it for seven days – and it was more than delighted at this unexpected detox.
The new year brought an unexpected cancellation of Ole’s driving test, so we rebooked it quickly and applied for out of pocket expenses (still not paid!) Unfortunately the rebooking was for Buxton, whereas all of his lessons have been in Macclesfield. That probably explains why he failed for driving too slowly! Anyway, all’s well that ends well, and on Valentine’s Day he successfully passed in Buxton, with just one minor fault. That’s 16 minor faults less than I got!
I’m still getting out and about with work – this time to Southampton. Piece of cake! I flew from Manchester, and on the return journey I was still in the office at 3.30 and landed in Manchester at 5.15. Quicker and cheaper than the train. Next stop…Exeter! My new website has finally been completed. Need a few more images – but its a lot better than it was previously!
With the MMU students, the broken links app is coming along a little more slowly than I would like, but the Tideswell Male Voice Choir website is almost done. The Cookie Policy generator should be ready in time for the Expo on March 16th.
Another website that came to my attention is my Whaley Bridge takeaway blog. This contains menus for all of the takeaways in Whaley Bridge, but I have not updated it for around 3 years. In fact, I’d forgotten about it until a friend said that his children use it all the time. So, my mission for this week is to bring it up to date. I will try to add the chippies, and maybe the cafes too. Update – takeaways done!
Takeaways in Whaley Bridge
I did an interview on Ex Pat Radio with Scottish author Eilidh McGinness. She’s a fascinating character, and has a new book, The Cypher Bureau, coming out in March. The interview went well, and now Eilidh and myself are guest presenters on The Book Show every week! Still not quite sure how that happened, but never mind, it will give me a great opportunity to publicise my latest book.
Yes, regular readers, The History Of Zombies is finally available on the virtual and real shelves. The wonderfully talented Emmy Ellis at Studioenp did the cover – and we are very pleased with it.
The ingredients are:-
Sweetcorn, Red pepper, Green pepper, Onion, Tomato, Mustard powder, Salt, Pepper, Demerara sugar, Paprika, Cider vinegar, Water, Cornflour, Cayenne pepper. Quantities? Well, more sweetcorn than anything else, and the rest is to taste! It really is that simple!
Still on the cooking front, and Sally has been quoting Slimming World with everything she eats. Apparently its all about ‘sins’, but it seems to me that ‘sins’ are what you make of them. For instance, you can’t have anything cooked with a couple of teaspoons of oil, but you can have potatoes. I am sure that when Easter comes around chocolate eggs won’t be considered a sin.
Also in the kitchen, Gabi came over. She rivals Sally with her culinary skills, which include making toast that varies between ‘as black as the ace of spades’ and ‘dark matter, like a hole in space that could suck everything in’. For those unaware of Sally’s ability in the kitchen you only have to read this…
Orphans
So you see why this pic is so scary!
It finally happened, Sally walked in to room and had to ask, ‘What did i come in here for?’ Its all down hill from here!
It was her birthday recently, and after the fiasco of Zac’s birthday when the firework candles expired before he got off his X-Box, he decided that mum’s cake would make up for it. I have to say it was a bit of a fire risk!
Our quest for the perfect Sunday lunch took us back to The Bull’s Head at Foolow, and once again it didn’t disappoint. Any recommendations for more local venues would be much appreciated.
Ole won a scholarship. This was for his ‘A’ Level results, and it amounted to £2,000. I fear that this will now completely deter him from ever getting a student job, and it is certainly not a reflection of his common sense. He spent a proportion of it on flights and tickets for the Bencassim festival in Spain (yes I know he hasn’t received the money yet – but that didn’t seem to matter). I advised him to book Priority + 2 bags on Ryanair, as they have changed the rules. He completed the transaction, along with several other flatmates, but then he had to ask, ‘what kind of bag have I booked?’ I can see an opportunity for hiring a minibus to rescue lost teenage Brits wandering around Valencia in late July!
The Superbowl was a tremendous game, and Ole managed to stay up and watch it all in his Student Union bar. He is really getting into it – and I have now acquired season tickets for the Wembley games in October. It may even be to watch the Superbowl winning Philadelphia Eagles, so I guess we know who Zac will be supporting.
Zac has been dong well at football, he won a man of the match award and after a hard fought victory at Rose Hill his team mate tried to pick him up. Dec is probably one of the smallest on the team, and Zac certainly proved to be an immovable object. A few weeks later and Ole came to watch his brother play for the first time in ages. Ole was surprised at how well Zac has improved as a goalkeeper and all round footballer, whilst Zac was spurred on to another man of the match award as Whaley Under 14s hung on for a 2-1 victory.
And finally, as they used to say on the news, here is a strange one. Zac fell out with one of his long time friends, which was a bit sad, but then I saw them laughing and joking at the weekend. ‘I thought you had fallen out with him?’ I commented. ‘Not in real life,’ came the rather puzzling reply. ‘What do you mean not in real life?’ ‘We’ve only fallen out on the X-Box. Jim’s character can be really stupid sometimes. So their X-Box characters have fallen out – but they are still best of friends!
June 4, 2017 by Michael Madden
Teenage Depression And The Best Burgers In The World
Financial choices can be difficult within families – do you put it aside for university? Do you try to get the best interest rate? There are countless options, but I didn’t really expect Sally’s question when she asked, ‘Should I put Zac’s money into ISIS?’
Speaking of Sally, after almost 23 years of marriage I still don’t think she quite gets my sense of humour. She was watching a documentary about the ill-fated dodo on tv. ‘When did the dodo become extinct?’ she asked. ‘Dodo,’ I replied. The withering look of disdain told me she didn’t find it funny!
Elvis Under The Covers is going well as the deadline approaches – including quotes from Louise Hoffsten and Mary Coughlan. I read Mary’s autobiography last week – and it was superb. Baring her soul about growing up in Ireland and making it, losing it and making it again in the music industry. Thoroughly recommend you check her out.
#Elvisunderthecovers
Cricket took a turn for the better at the beginning of the month, with a knock of 162no. And I was still able to walk the day after. Now, I have had big scores before, two over 100, but apparently this broke records for Whaley Bridge second team, and at my age there is probably an even greater sense of pride than if I had done it 20 years ago. Unfortunately I have been consigned to the first team ever since!
Right – I’m going to put this in print so that it doesn’t get forgotten. Russ Wild and I are starting a band – him on ukelele and me on bass guitar. It will be an unusual and perhaps unique sound, to say the least, and we are currently working on parodies. We have no name for the band as yet – but the working titles of a couple of songs are Menopausal Man Blues and My Wife Is A Serial Killer.
Zac, as ever, seems hard done to. ‘I’m this close to depression,’ he declared one evening, going on to explain, ‘do you know what the single biggest cause of teenage depression is?’ The swiftness of his reply told us that the question had been rhetorical. ‘Homework,’ he confirmed. So what mountain of homework had brought on this state of melancholy? His English teacher had asked him to complete 3 sheets of A4 paper. Including pictures!
We had a visit from Nixie a couple of weeks ago. It was only supposed to be for a day, then overnight. Then another night. And another. It was joyous to see her, and she had a great time on the trampoline with the boys, but three days with a 1 year old can be quite tiring! Something that we had long since forgotten. We are stocking up on espresso and Sanatogen ready for her next visit!
My sister has taken to riding horses. Or more accurately, she has taken to falling off horses. She is a bit younger than me, but she doesn’t bounce as well as she once might have done! Any suggestions?
Zac had to bake a cake for school. Well that’s not strictly true. He had to make a guillotine, and apparently Minecraft was a suitable medium to use. Anyway, Zac found that too hard, so he decided to bake a cake and then ice a picture of a guillotine on to the cake. With it so far? So, it was the night before the guillotine project was due in, and I was blissfully unaware of all this. I was at Old Trafford, and the game finished around 9.45pm. I was walking back to the car and I got a phone call. It was Zac, explaining the Minecraft situation and asking if I would bake a cake when I got in. He then said that he had made the cake, it just needed cooking. He had got a recipe from Youtube, and the time for baking was somewhere between 20 and 50 minutes, and that would be beyond his bedtime. The icing would be done in the morning. So, an hour later I poured his cake batter into a tin and put it in the oven. I tasted the batter, and it seemed to have something missing, but it was 11pm so I left it! It came out quite well, and the following morning he managed this design.
It looked good, so he took it in and it got shared about. How was it? Zac was non committal, which was strange as it was chocolate cake! I asked him what sugar he had put in it, and he said, ‘what do you mean?’ I clarified my question. ‘Did you put granulated, or brown, or caster sugar in?’ He thought for a moment, then explained, ‘the recipe said granulated, but I couldn’t find any of that so I just left it out’. Straight out of the Sally Madden school of cookery!
Two days after the Nixie mini holiday Ole took it upon himself to visit The Shepherds, and then he came home with a friend who was staying over. It was around 10.30 when I locked up and went to bed, and it was a bit of a shock when we were woken at 4 by Ole and his mate banging on the door. It transpired that he had gone to Manchester on the last train and partied until the early hours. He was very much the worse for wear, though to be fair he did get up to go to his last day of college, albeit briefly! So when the situation was dissected he asked why we had locked the door. ‘I thought you were in bed,’ I explained. ‘You didn’t even know I wasn’t in the house?’ the astonished 17 year old replied. ‘That’s just bad parenting!’
Despite our obvious lack of parenting skills the two boys decided to accompany us on a 5 day break to Italy. We flew to Brindisi, somewhere near the heel, and the cock ups started at the airport. With the heightened security Zac got the full patting down treatment as he had left his inhaler in his pocket going through the metal detector, and then both he and Ole had their bags searched as they had left spare inhalers inside. We eventually landed at our destination to find a cock up with the car, but it was probably a blessing in disguise that we got a taxi to our hotel as Sally’s navigational skills leave a lot to be desired. The hotel was lovely.
We arrived late at night and had a plate of bread, fruit and cheese waiting for us, as well as four large glasses of red wine! The next day we went back to the airport to pick up the car, and were told that as we wanted the car for one less day we would have to pay an extra 94 Euros, which is more than what it cost in the first place. That puzzled the lady at Budget as well as ourselves. Fortunately the rental company agreed to repay this, so we returned to the hotel and for once Sally navigated us right to the door. Now, we know that Italians can make pizza, pasta, ice cream and coffee, well in the small town of Mesagne I can confirm that they make quite possibly the best burgers on the planet – and I have tried a few! Burger Eat Gourmet is the top rated restaurant in the town on Tripadvisor, so we gave it a whirl. Three 200 gram burgers, all excellently prepared and presented on a bun that was sturdy enough to not fall apart, together with chips and a bacon baguette for Zac. This wasn’t on the menu but they made it anyway, and seemed happy to oblige! Beer, wine, water and Sprite all accompanied the burgers, and the cost came to an unbelievable 48 Euros.
Would you? This one’s a New Yorker!
The next day we took advice from our cabbie and headed for the beach. It was half an hour away, but well worth the journey as we rented four sun beds and two umbrellas for 24 Euros. The man on the beach said that in August the same furniture would cost 8-10 times that! The locals claimed that this was their Caribbean, which is stretching it a bit, but the sea was clear, shallow and completely free of rocks for miles. An excellent pizzeria bordered the beach, and we spent a marvellously lazy day throwing a tennis ball and a frisbee until some pesky kids got in the way!
,
January 6, 2017 by Michael Madden
Leave The Cooking To Dad
We are just 6 days into 2017 and Expedia have already made an outstanding case for the worst customer service of the year.
The start of the new year is always a good time to plan ahead, so I decided to look for a short break for the May half term, which happens to be the only school holiday where the kids are off at the same time. They do have an overlapping week at Easter, but firstly Europe is not that warm in April, and secondly the travel companies do like to pull your pants down and have their way with you as a kind of addendum to the traditionally religious festival.
So, I found 4 nights at a rather nice hotel flying with Ryanair to Brindisi. I looked it up, and it turns out to be in Southern Italy, so what could possibly go wrong. I sat on it for a couple of days, and then decided that the time was right. So, on Tuesday, I went on to the Expedia website armed with a credit card, and the confidence that I had used the site so many times that I had now reached gold status. The cost was around £1300 for four of us, so imagine my surprise when the minimum amount rose to over £1800. I did a bit of digging and it transpired that Expedia no longer offered the Ryanair flights. I then discovered that I could get the same package, with the Ryanair flights, for around £1500 on Opodo. I then discovered that I could get flight only on Expedia with Ryanair for just under £400. So I wondered why they wouldn’t offer the flights as part of a package.
Still with it?
Well, I decided to call Expedia to find out, and that was when things started to go wrong. Fortunately iPhones log all of your calls, including duration, and that is how I know that the first call lasted precisely 49 minutes. During thus time I was told that my original package was indeed available for around £1300 plus a £7 credit card charge. I gave all of the passenger details, confirmed the dates and the hotel, and went on hold. After several minutes the customer services lady, cant remember her name but let’s call her Mrs Singh, came back on the line.
Mrs Singh: I’m sorry Mr Madden it is taking a long time to go through, are you still ok to hold?
Me: Yes thats fine.
Several more minutes silence.
Mrs Singh: It is still not going through. I will ask my supervisor why. Are you still ok to hold?
Me: Yes thats fine.
Several more minutes silence.
Mrs Singh: Do you have another card? It is not accepting this one?
Me: Is it declining?
Mrs Singh: No, it just doesn’t seem to be going through. But the price has come down to £1258. I will try again…No it is still not accepting it. Do you have another card?
Me: No. Don’t worry. I will book it through Opodo.
Mrs Singh: Let me try one last time. Are you ok to hold?
Me: Yes that’s fine.
Several more minutes silence.
Mrs Singh: It won’t let me book it because of the flight. I don’t know why. Should I look for another flight?
Me: No thanks.
Mrs Singh: What if I got you another flight at the same price?
Me: No thanks. The flight with Ryanair goes direct from Manchester to Brindisi. Alternative flights go half way around Europe to get to the same destination.
Mrs Singh: What if I guaranteed the same price?
Me: No thanks. If that flight is not available I will go somewhere else.
Mrs Singh: What if I tried to book the flights and hotel separately?
Me: That is usually more expensive.
Mrs Singh: What if I guaranteed the same price?
Me: That would be fine. Go for it.
Mrs Singh: Are you ok to hold?
Me: Yes that’s fine.
Several more minutes silence.
After 49 minutes the phone went dead. I was cut off, which was unfortunate, but not the end of world. I seriously doubted Mrs Singh’s ability to do what she had promised, but then I thought what if she actually had done it? So I called back. Obviously I didn’t get Mrs Singh, so let’s call the new chap Mr Patel.
I explained the situation to Mr Patel and he tried to resolve it.
Mr Patel: I have your details Mr Madden, are you ok to hold?
Me: Yes thats fine.
Several minutes silence.
Mr Patel: It says I can’t book it because of the flights.
Me: Yes, that’s what happened before.
Mr Patel: Should I try to book it separately?
Me: That’s what your previous agent tried to do but we got cut off.
Mr Patel: Are you ok to hold?
Me: Yes that’s fine.
Several more minutes silence.
Mr Patel: What price were you quoted?
Me: Anything from £1258 to £1306.
Mr Patel: The cost of the flights is £383 and the cost of the hotel is £1032.
Me: Thats a total of over £1400. I am not prepared to pay that.
Mr Patel: Ok what shall I do then?
Me: Nothing thanks. Goodbye.
I decided that I would check online later.
Next I received an email. Not from Expedia, but from Ryanair. Interestingly, it was timed 26 minutes into my 49 minute conversation with Mrs Singh. It confirmed my booking for 4 flights for £432.40. That’s £50 more than Expedia’s Mr Patel quoted just minutes earlier. I quickly went to the Ryanair and Expedia websites and found the same flights still available for under £400. I rang Expedia again. This time I was put through to customer service rather than bookings. Now I realise that you think that me calling the Expedia representatives Mrs Singh and Mr Patel could be construed as being racist, but that is not the case. They are actually very common British names! However, I do have an aversion to non British call centres where the operatives can barely string two coherent English words together. So, now that I have cleared that one up, I spoke to the customer service chap. Let’s call him Mr Smith. Unfortunately Mr Smith had what appeared to be a very strong Mumbai accent.
Mr Smith: Hello Mr Madden. What appears to be the problem?
I explained my previous two conversations and the email.
Mr Smith: So you didn’t want the flight only booking?
Me: No. I specifically told ‘Mrs Singh’ that I would accept separate bookings only if she could guarantee the same price as a package booking. Go back to your call recording and check.
Mr Smith: So what about the flight only booking?
Me: Well unless you can add on the hotel I suggest you cancel it as I have no intention of paying the hotel only price.
Mr Smith: It is with Ryanair. They wont let us cancel it.
Me: That is your problem, not mine. I did not authorise that booking so I expect a full refund or a hotel.
Mr Smith: I will look into it. Are you ok to hold?
Me: Yes.
Several minutes of hold music – interestingly I got music when on to customer service but silence in bookings!
Mr Smith: We can’t cancel the flight booking. Can you book a hotel?
Me: What?
Mr Smith? Can you book a hotel?
Me: Yes. I could book a hotel. Bit I have already apparently paid £50 more than quoted for flights and if I book the hotel separately I will end up paying another £200 extra.
Mr Smith: Can you book the hotel and we will look into it?
Me: Your customer service is shocking. I have gold status, I wonder what it would be like if I was entry level? Anyway, I will book the hotel at a cost of £1032 if you guarantee to refund the difference.
Mr Smith: We will need to listen to the calls. That will take 48 hours.
Me: That’s fine. So how will you get back to me?
Mr Smith: We will email you or call you. But it will take 72 hours.
Me: Can we just end this now before it takes any longer?
Mr Smith: I’m sorry?
Me: So am I. Goodbye. (51 minutes later)
So, I booked the hotel, and it was indeed £1032. I then decided to back up my claim by contacting Expedia via email, which is a lot harder to do than you might imagine. I stumbled upon their price match guarantee page, so I filled in the form, and used the comments section to elaborate on why Expedia owed me around £250.
Yesterday was interesting. I received two different flight confirmations from Expedia, and an email from their price match team stating that my claim was not valid as I had booked hotel only, Aaaaargh!! I then emailed them back to tell them to read the comments section (I was amazingly polite), and they did actually reply saying they apologise for the miscommunication and they would look into it. I would have to wait.
I am still waiting – approximately 70 hours into their 72 hour promise….
Sally lost her iPhone. She knew approximately where, but not exactly. In fact, she had a choice of three places. So, she quite sensibly logged on to the findmyiphone app. Sure enough, there it was, in Drinkwater’s where she had left it. Unfortunately it was Saturday afternoon, and it was closed. And we didn’t have the number. This revealed a flaw in the app, that would be really useful if it was called findthenumberoftheguywhoownstheshopwhereileftmyiphone rather than just findmyiphone. Undeterred, she put a request out on Facebook for the number of Jim from Drinkwater’s. Half an hour later she was getting impatient. ‘I thought it was supposed to be quick this social media,’ she complained, so I pointed out that if she wanted to find something out about Kanye it would probably come back a lot quicker than the contact details of the owner of a plumber’s merchant in Whaley Bridge! Anyway, all’s well that ends well, and my thanks to Jim for opening up on a Saturday afternoon so that we could retrieve the phone.
So, it’s Christmas, and there was a lot of festive baking going on. I used Rachel Allen’s toasted almond paste recipe to cover my Creole Cake, and it looked and tasted really good, even if it was a bit fiddly. And speaking of fiddly, I made a chocolate log. Well, I actually made two chocolate logs, filled with Nutella buttercream. The first disappeared rather quickly, and when I asked Zac how much he had eaten he simply said ‘loads’!
Another messy one was Christmas Gingerbread Biscuits. I made two batches of these – the second with considerably more ginger. Icing these has always been a pain, but rather than use the tiny tubes from Tesco, I got large ones from Sainsbury’s and the result was much better.
I also made strawberry cheesecake, which was ok, but didn’t quite set properly. The problem was solved by the freezer, but I might just try a baked one next time.
The run up to Christmas was fraught, as Ole finished off the chocolate in his Advent calendar before the 10th. The chocolates on the Christmas tree didn’t last much longer either. Ole had zero, Zac had two, I had zero, and Sally may have had one. The remainder must have been stolen by the cats. Sally was at the end of her tether and she announced that she was not buying any of these treats next year, at around the same time as she reached the bottom of her giant tube of Smarties.
There were tears, and I was feeling quite smug. Brownie points earned for the year, and lots of time spent at the stable for Lady M. Not so. The following day I had to go to Bakewell for the hunt (before you get upset its a drag hunt, and not a very successful one at that). The streets of Bakewell were packed awaiting the spectacular departure of hounds and horses and riders, but the day almost came to a premature end when ‘Nancy’ spooked at a bicycle. Lady M kept her together well, and off they went.
