May 19, 2022 by Mike Madden

Down With The Duchess

Big Day For The Duchess

The racing career of Emerald Duchess got off to an inauspicious start after the early euphoria surrounding Star of Lady M. We went to see her at Tim Easterby’s, and for the first time they managed to get her out onto the gallops during our visit. She was entered into a race at Ripon, but Tim preferred to wait until he could find a fillies only race. I mentioned that there was just such a contest at Nottingham the following Tuesday, and she was duly entered.

There’s a race at Nottingham Tim! Could be just what we’re looking for!

The landlord of our hotel was very keen to know about our visit, and we also mentioned to him about our other horse that had won two out of two. He knew exactly who we meant, as he explained that “Teatime Tipple” on the wall of the bar was not just an advertising slogan, it was also the name of his horse. Star Of Lady M had beaten Teatime Tipple at Ripon, of course!

I was familiar with the roads around Nottingham, so it should have been and easy run over there once the entry was confirmed. Unfortunately my satnav had other ideas, as it took us on a circuitous route that seemed intent on visiting every set of roadworks on offer.

Dining In Style

Luke Lillingston told me that his second cousin Richard is the chairman of Nottingham racecourse, and a short time later Richard invited us for lunch in the directors box. Nottingham itself was a very friendly course, and we were shown around with a complimentary glass of fizz. We spoke to our assigned jockey Duran Fentiman before the race, as well as Geordie who was there on behalf of Tim. This was our filly’s first day at school, and it was really just the first step in her education.

It was clear that she was not well fancied.

She looked well in the paddock, and she made her way smoothly to the start. Unfortunately, she missed the break and was always struggling. The ground was like concrete, and Duran moved her off the rail to get something a bit softer. She ran on past a few horses, then she had to be snatched up to prevent her from running into the back of those fading. She finished 9th of 13 at 125/1. The winner cost 150,000 guineas, another runner cost 190,000 guineas, and the one that was tailed off last cost 40,000 guineas, so it was clearly a hot contest. The horse that finished second went on to win the Marygate at York.

The ground was a problem all day, with one horse slipping over on the bend. Emerald Duchess was fine in herself, but the following day she appeared to have sore shins and would be given rest for a while. Subsequently it was found that her shins were fine, but I think that we would avoid firm ground in the future.

To Marygate Or Not To Marygate?

Meanwhile, I went to visit Star Of Lady M to pick up our Redcar photo and to take a few pictures. She looked well, and by that time plans had changed from the Marygate at York to potentially the Lily Agnes at Chester followed by the Marygate. I have always loved Chester, and my favourite course is York, so what could possibly go wrong?

Back in February I won membership to Nikki Evans’ racing club, and in particular a horse called Fittleton Ferry. She is a Class 6 sprinter who had encountered all kinds of training problems, but now she had a new trainer and new owners. In the fuss surrounding the Chester entry I completely forgot that she was running at Bath, and as it turned out she finished last of the seven runners.

The Chaps At Chester

On the day of the Lily Agnes declarations Jason Kelly called and we counted down the entries. There were just 7, and we had a reasonable chance against all of them. We were going to Chester, and we were going to enjoy it! We booked a driver so that we could enjoy a drink, and as ever we were early arriving at the course. A helpful chap unlocked a gate and we somehow made our way to the owners enclosure, not only without badges but before it had even opened.

That was quickly resolved, and after a brief chat to Kevin Keegan, who appeared to be as perplexed as we were that Chester had not opened their gates on time, we sat at a table with all of Hugo Palmer’s owners. These included Charles Ledigo, an entrepreneur who has a business with Sally’s friend Jane O’Neill in Whaley Bridge, and Seamus Burns. Seamus is a shrewd Irishman who had previously bred the winner of the Derby and the Oaks, as well as selling a home bred yearling at Tattersalls for five million guineas. With Seamus was Ken Webb, another successful businessman who also happened to be very much in charge of point to point racing at Tabley.

It was an entertaining group, especially as Charles had a runner in our race. His Glorious Angel was touted as being targeted specifically at the Lily Agnes, but Charles had no idea where that rumour came from.

Never Trust A Bookie

The bookies had us as odds on favourites at the off, and we were heavily tipped!

At race time we headed for the pre parade ring, where Michael Owen came over to chat to us. Actually he came over to chat to Seamus and Ken but we just happened to be with them. He did seem to have an interest in our filly, but more so in the chances of Glorious Angel who was trained by Hugo Palmer at Michael’s Manor House stables.

The Star Stumbles

However, all was not well. Star Of Lady M is normally a very laid back horse, but she was on her toes and anxious. She carried this into the parade ring, and although we tried to banish it from our thoughts it remained as a nagging doubt.

We met Richard Kent who thought that our filly looked wired, and would perhaps benefit from a month off. She had not raced for three weeks, so that did not quite make sense, but Richard is a good judge in these matters.

Despite the agitation she did win best turned out horse, a welcome prize collected by our groom.

Our jockey was once again Danny Tudhope, and he was reserved but confident as we talked through the tactics. He ought to be able to lead on the rail, but definitely did not want to get boxed in.

It was time for Danny to get on board, and we were then intercepted by the ITV film crew. Matt Chapman wanted to know all about Star Of Lady M, even more so Lady M herself. Lady M has never been a shrinking violet, and she positively bloomed in front of the cameras. Matt asked me about the going, and it was a welcome distraction as the race drew nearer.

The Comedians

We made our way to the viewing area, which was not great. It was on the inside of the course, and as we looked down the course the big screen was angled away from us. Suddenly they were off. Star Of Lady M bolted down the inside, and Danny worked her to maintain a position in the blistering pace. It was clear that the horse was fighting him, and as they came into the home straight she edged right which is the worst thing to do on a left handed track.

She battled gamely, but ultimately finished last, four and a half lengths behind Absolutelyflawless. She had nothing left to give, having burnt her energy leaving the starting gate. It was disappointing, but Danny had eased her down over the last 100 yards, and she could have finished closer. We were beaten by the better horse on the day, but I am convinced that on another day at another course we would have overcome that field. The bookies agreed, sending her off the odds on favourite at 10/11.

The Star Faded

Danny was gutted at the result, and the fact that she did not show her true form. He thought she would benefit from a straight track, and from using her speed at the end of a race to pick off the leaders, as she had done at Redcar and Ripon.

We enjoyed the rest of the day, with Sally chatting to Frankie Dettori, but more on the Dettoris later! Charles had another string to his bow, producing stage musicals, and so we exchanged emails and he offered to show Ole around when his latest production, All Or Nothing, appeared locally. Star Of Lady M was fine after the race, but it now seemed that the Marygate was out of the question. It was not all bad news though. When I received my Weatherbys bank statement we had more or less covered our costs because of the prize for sixth place, the sponsorship, and some appearance money (for the horse, not for Lady M). Of course, that does not take into account the cost of the car and some rather expensive rounds!

Badminton Bound

The following week we went to the Badminton horse trials for the cross country and show jumping.  I booked an Airbnb, described as a garden cottage, and Sally normally likes to veto or approve my choice. In this instance I thought it rather odd that she just left it up to me. When we arrived I found out why. The garden cottage was within the estate of Wortley Hall that had recently been featured in Tatler magazine. Our host, Jessica, was very welcoming. She provided us with a map of her 25 acre garden that she was obviously very proud of. We decided that we had to take advantage, and so we spent an hour or so wandering through the various walled gardens, paddocks and tree lined grassy avenues.

We went into the village of Wotton-Under-Edge, which sounds like somewhere out of a murder mystery. As we settled into the first pub we were informed that not only did they have no available tables for dinner, they could also take cash only as their card machine was broken. It was a friendly place, so we booked a table for the following evening. We settled on the Swan Hotel, which was a couple of streets away. It had a rather cold hotel dining room feel to it, even in the public bar. However, the food was nice enough and the chap behind the bar provided excellent service.

Horse Trials? Not Guilty!

The following day we got a taxi to the showground, and the driver explained where he would meet us afterwards. Badminton was definitely full of horsey people, but we managed to get some good views of a few of the tougher cross country obstacles. Sally went off shopping as I headed for the bar, but when they said that Staropramen was their only draught lager I feared the worst. Guinness saved the day, and after watching quite a few people fall off, and even more horses refuse to jump at all, we headed back to Wotton-Under-Edge.

Taxi Trials & Tribulations

Unfortunately our taxi driver was not where we expected, and the powers that be had reversed all of the one way systems. He sent me his location, which was a 90 minute walk away. We asked him to get closer to Badminton village! No one at Badminton seemed to know where the authorised taxi pick up spot was, and hardly any of them were local anyway!

Eventually we were directed out of the grounds to turn left and head down the hill. A jobsworth on the gate said we couldn’t do that as there was no footpath, but Sally ignored him and marched onto the grass verge. We then got a message from our driver that he was at the Post Office, which clearly meant nothing to us. We continued to follow the road down the hill for around a mile, under a bridge as directed, and there in front of us was the Post Office.

In front of the Post Office was our driver, who had just been moved on by the local authorities. He was about to pull away when we flagged him down. We completed the 15 minute journey back to the pub an hour later. Our route took us past several familiar landmarks several times, sometimes on the opposite side of the road!

Are You Local?

The pub food was good, and then a local taxi driver took us the ten minute ride back to our cottage. The whole scenario was a bit “Hot Fuzz”, with the driver shouting at other cars who were obviously not locals!

Next day we met Simon, the man of the house. He was on a golf cart with shotgun in hand, explaining that he had failed to shoot a single rabbit all morning.

We said our farewells and returned to the Swan Hotel for a hearty breakfast. Our next journey was back to the showground, this time in my car. We spent a pleasant hour or two chatting to my sister who is a Badminton regular. She told us that the morning showjumpers are those with no chance in the overall competition. We had to wait until 3.30pm for the contenders.

Jumping Round In Circles

As 3.30 ticked around we took up our seats in the grandstand. The Princess Royal arrived to warm applause. Sadly, nobody quite realised that the National Anthem was being played until it was too late to sing along.

We had a long journey home ahead of us, so we left about half way through the showjumping finale. Sally kept in touch with proceedings via her phone, but I was all horsed out by then.

The next day Fittleton Ferry came out and finished 4th of 14 at Chepstow. I had a nice each way return at 80/1, so maybe she is not such a forlorn hope after all!

Middlethorpe And Marygate

Our next horsey event was the Marygate at York. On the one hand I was disappointed that Star Of Lady M was not running, but on the other I could relax. We checked into our regular haunt of Middlethorpe Hall and asked them to get us a taxi. They had good news. Rather than struggle with a local cab firm they had now engaged a driver. He would run us around on demand for the same cost. So, Terry took us to York racecourse. On the way he told us that he had been Frankie Dettori’s driver for about ten years. In fact, later that day he had to take Mrs Dettori to the designer shopping outlet before a visit to Marks & Spencer for some nibbles.

We got to the course and had a great day. Pillow Talk won the Marygate, having beaten Emerald Duchess by quite a way at Nottingham. Primrose Ridge, who Star Of Lady M beat at Redcar, came sixth. Therefore, in theory we would not have been a million miles away, but there were no regrets.

Spotters Badge

We headed down to the parade ring mid afternoon, and there was Terry, accompanied by Mrs Dettori. It did not take long for Sally to introduce herself, and they parted as if they were new best friends. I await developments with interest! Sure enough, Terry was there to pick us up afterwards. We will certainly be availing ourselves of his services when we next visit Middlethorpe for the July meeting at York.

Star Rises Again

We were up early the following morning, and rather than head for home we went to David O’Meara’s yard to see Star Of Lady M. She was out on a 9.30am gallop, so we arrived at about 9 on a glorious morning. David’s mother Dympna came to greet us, and she became another of Sally’s new friends. She was certainly not shy of giving her opinion, and she said she would come on to the gallops with us.

Jason Kelly joined us and we chatted about the Marygate. He agreed that we would have finished in the front half of the field, then thoughts turned to possible entries. David was out on the gallops, and he favoured the Hilary Needler at Beverley. Jason thought we could find another restricted race that would cut up. This would potentially give us another easy bonus. My preference was more ambitious. I thought we should enter the Listed National at Sandown and hope that the race reduced to just 6 or 7 runners. If it did not, then we could have the Hilary Needler as a second option. My issue with another novice race would be that she would have to carry a 14lb penalty.

Double Duchess

I am continually scouring the BHA race list. This allows you to filter on age, distance, class and a host of other things. I thought that Haydock was a good option for Emerald Duchess. It was a Class 4 maiden race, ie for horses that had not won previously, for fillies only in bands C and D. The race had only attracted a handful of runners in recent years. It would at least allow her to double her appearance tally and maybe run into a place. Tim agreed to enter her, but when the entries were announced there was a total of 24. Many of these would run elsewhere, but it was still rather a lot. I thought we might have made a mistake. However, we applied for badges and waited for declarations.

Two days before the race it was time for the declarations. It emerged that more and more of the entries had alternative engagements. This was perhaps because their trainers were discouraged by the large number of original entries. When the final declarations were in there were only 10 runners. These included Glorious Angel, so we would be able to renew our acquaintance with Charles Ledigo rather quickly! Emerald Duchess was priced up at 33/1 by Sporting Life. However, with softer ground at Haydock, and an additional furlong to race, we were cautiously optimistic.

The Ferry To Bath

I also got a message that Fittleton Ferry was in the first at Bath on the same day. This was another Class 6 handicap with so many runners that it had divided into two! She was also priced at 33/1. Given that she finished fourth last time out I was encouraged to put an each way double on the pair.

Southern Star?

The news from Star Of Lady M was somewhat puzzling. Jason had bypassed the Musselburgh Class 2 race, as expected, but had entered her into a race at Lingfield. This was a Class 5 fillies only race restricted to band D, and it was known to cut up in previous years. However, with a 14lb penalty we would need the services of a claimer to compensate for the huge weight.

Lingfield on a Saturday night was not my idea of heaven. However, Jason assured me that we would only go there with a favourite’s chance. There were just 13 entries, so it looked promising, and one of those ran earlier in the week. Another three were entered in other races, so Jason’s assumption could have been correct. Unfortunately, as the declaration stage approached, there were only two other horses that had alternative engagements. We would have to give 14lbs to Favourite Queen who had finished third and second, and Lahina Bay who had finished sixth and third. There was also Byefornow who had won her only race. She would carry a 7lb penalty, but she also had a claimer on board.

It was not looking good, but we would have to see how it panned out the following day. I noticed later that evening that Star Of Lady M had an entry in the Hilary Needler. This could only mean one thing, she was going to be scratched from the Lingfield race.

Beverley Bound

The next morning I watched the Lingfield declarations tick up. When they reached eight I received the expected call from Jason Kelly. We were not going to Lingfield, but we were entered into the Hilary Needler. Saturday afternoon at Beverley was infinitely preferable to Saturday evening at Lingfield, but now my daily countdown demons could resume. Nine days to go, and in the meantime there was the small matter of a trip to Haydock Park with Emerald Duchess.

Worse Than War

The news is quite depressing these days. One night Sally decided to turn it off as it was just too shocking. The horror stories about Ukraine were just a little too graphic. She consoled herself with some downloaded content on her ipad, but I was surprised at what it was. I went upstairs to find that she had fallen asleep to the calming sounds of the Jimmy Saville documentary!

Bo Tangles

Bo has had an interesting time lately, starting with her discovery of cat mint in Sally’s car. She was straight into it, and obviously thought that it would be a regular source. She made her way back into the car  a week or so later. Sally was unaware of this, and promptly locked her in for the best part of three hours!

Bo Shopping

A short time later I ordered her regular supply of cat soup. Ole took in the delivery, and it seemed to be quite a large box. Inside, rather than some 40g pouches of soup, there was a 15kg bag of dried cat food. Bitiba had somehow mixed up the order, but Bo was quite happy with it. To be fair to Bitiba they arranged collection of the gargantuan bag, and supplied a replacement box of soup almost immediately. Then another replacement supply of soup arrived without even being asked for. I wonder what will turn up next!

Stinky Fish

I have not been too creative in the kitchen recently, though I did make some Spanish fish inspired by Rick Stein. It was flavoured with lots of garlic and paprika, with chorizo thrown in for good measure. A word of warning though, if there are any leftovers do not leave them in the fridge. The smell is very strong, and will taint everything else in the vicinity!

While The Cat’s Away…

The clay oven has been put to good use, with fillet steak the latest success. The boys asked if they could make pizza for their friends while we were at Badminton, and I reluctantly agreed. They took most of the dough out of the freezer (thanks boys, I guess I will just have to make some more!), but they did that a day early which meant the dough would be difficult to handle. It seems to have been a success, though Zac described dropping several onto the floor, and cremating others. Surprisingly, when I inspected the oven and the tools, it was all cleaned almost to perfection.

Travellin’ Man

Ole has been busy with auditions, and he got a role in a mental health film that saw him head to Leeds for a day. He also had a call back for an ITV drama “Maternal”, which meant a train journey to London, but he has heard nothing more. It can be a frustrating time, but at least he now knows what a Split Save train ticket is!

A Thorough Examination

Zac has been busy revising for exams. His mock results were a little confusing, and he admits that he missed the point of one of his economics questions. He got a B In core maths when he was expecting an A, and he did not even give us the “onemarkoffa” excuse! His computer science project scored 47 out of 75, which he was not very happy with. He then realised that it was more than 60%, and so the world was all good again. His car insurance has just been renewed, and for the first time he has a black box. This entails an app on his phone that tells him whether he has been a good or a bad driver. He has declined to share this information so far.

The Search For Fish & Chips

I took my mum a bit further afield recently, driving all the way to Lytham before realising that the sea can be almost as far away as at Southport. Undeterred, we drove up the coast to Blackpool, where we definitely could see the sea as it splashed against the pier. However, that was about the highlight for Blackpool. It is not a nice town, and although we searched for fish & chips the only places we found open were manned by people who did not have even a basic grasp of English.

When a debate started about the merits of serving chicken nuggets without chips, a request that the server was either oblivious to or chose to ignore, we decided to head home.

Anyone For Goujons?

A couple of weeks later we went to the much more civilised Colwyn Bay. The north Wales riviera was spotlessly clean, calm, sandy, and sunny. We ambled along the beach and stopped at two cafes, looking for the traditional fish & chips, preferably served in a newspaper. Both cafes favoured fish goujons, served with French fries, mushy peas and tartare sauce, so we were out of luck. We sat down at New Horizons, and it was nice enough, but not what I want from an English seaside town. I think we might travel a little bit further along Colwyn Bay next time as there was at least one cafe that definitely advertised “Fish & Chips”. Or, we might just try Abergele!

Colwyn Bay in May

I’m Leaning On A Lamp Post

Finally, this is the lamp post on Chapel Road opposite our house. It doesn’t look well! George Formby would be proud of it. I reported it to the council on 27th April – I am interested to know whether it will fall down before they respond!

Previous edition

A Star Is Born

April 18, 2022 by Mike Madden

A Star Is Born

Racing To Redcar

Only one place to start this month and that is with Star Of Lady M. Our two year old Havana Grey filly was showing a lot of promise on the gallops. I let the stable know that we would not be around from 6th to 14th April as we were on holiday. No bother for them, they had her pencilled her in for a race at Redcar on 4th April.

She is the grey finishing fast on the inside

The flat season approached. It began with the traditional Brocklesby at Doncaster where all eyes were on the precocious two year olds. Our race at Redcar was nine days later, and the favourite was Primrose Ridge who had finished second in the Brocklesby. The pundits have to say something. However, with little or no form to go on at least one was somewhat unkind!

It was great to see our filly actually listed on the racecard, and it seemed she was not without a chance.

Its A Long Way….

So, we headed north to Redcar. I put a bet on at 17/2. I was a little disappointed to see that on the morning of the race she had drifted to 12/1. However, no one really had anything to go on, and her price quickly shortened. The favourite was very short at 1/2, and with her experience she was definitely the one to beat.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to Redcar, but it is a long way. We travelled for two and a half hours to get there, and when we arrived the course was not even open. Ten minutes after our arrival, they finally let us in. We walked past the winners enclosure, wondering or maybe hoping if we would be back there later. Any of the spots would do.

Looking out onto the racecourse, it was calm, tranquil, though there was a bit of a breeze blowing.

We found our way to the Owners & Trainers enclosure, and Sally and I were both quite nervous. Our girl’s name was everywhere, which didn’t help!

I spoke to assistant trainer Jason Kelly earlier in the day, He cautioned that inexperience might be our downfall. However, he assured us that jockey Danny Tudhope would give her an education. Our nervousness increased as the clock ticked around, but we met Tim Easterby and Tom Denham. They kept us occupied and took our minds off the race. Tim also had two running against us.

The Big Parade

Finally, it was time to go. We went to the parade ring where we met Charlie from the yard. I asked her what happened if we didn’t finish in the first three. Did we just go home or would we see her afterwards?She said we could go back to the parade ring where the horse would be unsaddled. Danny came out looking resplendent in our emerald green and black starred colours. He told us that he hoped to cover her up behind the two horses that had raced previously.

Jason Watson, the other jockey associated with David O’Meara’s stable, was on the favourite. I asked Danny if he had spoken to Jason about how good the favourite was. He had not, but Jason had asked him about our filly. Confidence grew, but only a little. Danny was calm, we were not. As she headed for the start we took up a position on the steps overlooking the finishing line.

They’re Off

She went into the stalls with no problem, so step 1 was complete. She broke well enough, so step 2 was complete. The plan was abandoned when Primrose Ridge and Zephina went right. We were exposed, but up with the pace. The favourite led, but around two furlongs out Jason was hard at work. Danny moved Star Of Lady M up to challenge. He was going well. The expensive Insolente switched to the inside and looked a threat along the rail. Danny went in front. A head, a neck, half a length.

The angle was poor and it looked as though Insolente was gaining, but he was actually a length back. Primrose Ridge was beaten, Insolente was held, Zephina finished quickly but well behind. With 100 yards to go we had it sewn up. We both shouted “Go On Star”, and then looked at each other in astonishment. We were close to tears. Our baby girl, purchased for just 15,000 guineas back in October, had won her first race, The winning prize was about £4,000, but she had also claimed a GBB bonus of £20,000 of which we got 65%. The yard, jockey, trainer and breeder also benefitted from this windfall.

She’s Got It

We headed back to the parade ring where Tim Easterby commented that we had a nice filly. He also pointed out that we were in the wrong place. We should have been in the winner’s enclosure. We were still in a dream. Charlie collected us and led us to the place reserved for the winner, where Danny had just dismounted. It was clear that he loved the horse, giving her reassurance before and after the race. It was also clear that she responded to him. The next 20 minutes was a bit of a blur. Sally had already had a selfie with Danny in the parade ring (of course), but now lenses were clicking and microphones appeared from nowhere. We gave our details, and then we were invited inside for a review of the race and a glass of champagne.

Lady M topped the day off by sitting here…

Redcar gave us a USB stick containing the race (that is now well worn out!)

They also provided a memento of the day, and kept everything safe for us until it was time to go home.

Heads In A Spin

We sat outside, oblivious to the biting wind, and contemplated what had happened. Our phones exploded with messages of congratulations, and then they started ringing. Luke Lillingston (our friend and bloodstock agent) was first up – we had originally asked him to buy us a racehorse. Nine days into the season she had already won. Richard Kent, breeder and co-owner of Emerald Duchess, was thrilled for us.

My favourite Tweet was this one…

The rest of the day’s racing was somewhat irrelevant. We couldn’t really get into it. Danny rode another winner for David O’Meara, and I backed him when he came second on another O’Meara horse, but we decided to head home. We celebrated with a few beers in the Drum & Monkey, and looked forward to our next outing.

She was officially rated as 51 on TopSpeed with a Racing Post Rating (RPR) of 75, so at that moment in time she was the highest rated 2yo filly in the country!

Whatever Next?

The plan was to go to Beverley on 21st April, a week after our return from holiday. She would have to carry a 7lb penalty for her victory, but that’s life. However, the stable had a back up plan. Ripon on 14th was not ideal, the day we travelled back from the Dominican Republic, but she would only have a 4lb penalty and the race looked like it would cut up to just a handful of runners. The going was described as “Heavy”, not ideal, and so another backup plan, at Lingfield on 16th April, was put in place.

By the time declarations were made, 48 hours before the Ripon race, two things had happened. Firstly, the going was changed to “Soft”, which is the same as at Redcar, and secondly the race was reduced to six runners. Two of them ran in the Brocklesby, finishing 6th and 8th, and as we had already beaten the runner up we should have been confident. There were also three unraced horses, and soon after one of these was listed as a non runner. My two nephews represented us at the course, and had an absolutely fabulous day out. Paul took his partner’s father Neil, whilst Jake took fiancee Aimee, and it was an unbelievable experience, meeting the horse, chatting to the jockey, and enjoying the privileges of the Owners & Trainers area.

Lounging Around

We landed at Paris and were in the lounge in good time for the race. British bookmakers do not allow live streaming of races outside the UK, and Sky Go is not available in France, so we searched for another feed. I found William Hill TV, and we settled in to count down the 45 minutes until the race. Jason Kelly called and said we would try to start quickly, but Beach Breeze (8th in the Brocklesby), was drawn on the rail and would likely lead. The plan was to track her and make our move from half way.

Unlike at Redcar she was a hot favourite, as short as 4/7 in places, and the pundits were all over her.

She drifted in the betting, but we were still confident, and she looked well in the parade ring.

At the post we had a major concern as Danny Tudhope was off her back and trying to tighten her saddle. Two stall handlers tried to calm her, but she was getting agitated. Fortunately the situation was resolved, and although she was looking around she was led calmly into the stalls.

A Walk In The Park

Moments later they were off, and as predicted Beach Breeze took the lead along the rail. The two newcomers were hopelessly outpaced, one of them lost about 8 lengths at the start. Teatime Tipple (6th in the Brocklesby) was under pressure early, and Star Of Lady M raced on the shoulder of the leader. By half way the leader was under strong driving and we were cruising. Danny let out a little bit of rein and she pressed on, taking the lead and soon going clear. She was never asked a serious question and won by an easy 3 1/2 lengths.

The airport lounge soon knew about it, and once again the phone started ringing. Luke, of course, and then Jason. Marygate was on everyone’s mind. This is a class 1 listed race at York in May, a huge step up in class, but she deserves her chance. Her TopSpeed rating was announced as 80, a huge increase from 51, and her RPR was 84, up from 75. She was now officially rated better than her mother!

The first three in the last running of the Marygate were rated 68, 77 and 81 before the race!

Richard Kent was more ambitious, expecting us to get calls from California to get her racing over there!

As for Star herself, she was just fine!

Beverley tweeted that she looked an ideal horse for their showpiece Hilary Needler race. York came back and suggested the Marygate was first. Star Of Lady M was in demand!

When we got back to Whaley Bridge it was off to the Drum again for drinks, and as the following 48 hours unfolded we were happy to learn that she was safe and sound and almost certainly en route to the Marygate!

My nephews returned from Ripon and handed over a nice picture, USB recording of the race, racecard, and another memento, this time a plate.

 

Waiting For The Duchess

Regular readers will know that we also have a syndicated filly, Emerald Duchess, at Tim Easterby’s, and she is yet to see the racetrack.

She suffered from sore shins, but we got two clips of her that show she is progressing. We will visit her in late April, and hope to see her racing soon.

 

Emerald Duchess is part owned by Richard Kent at Mickley stud, and Richard invited us to have a look round the stud farm. We travelled down to Market Drayton in Shropshire, and Sally was thrilled to see all of the foals and mares on display. We also got a glimpse of a very lazy looking Massaat, the sire of Emerald Duchess.

He wasn’t so lazy a short time later, when he had to perform in the covering barn. We happened to be passing by at the time, and Sally decided to video the whole episode. Massaat was very professional and efficient, with the whole act being concluded in about sixty seconds.

We thanked Richard for his hospitality and left for home. Sally called Zac down and asked, “Do you want to see Emerald Duchess’s father perform?” Zac traipsed down the stairs and asked, “What do you mean?” so Sally showed him the video. He was horrified. “I did not come downstairs just to watch horse porn,” he said, and returned to the sanctity of his bedroom.

Enter The Lady!

And with all of this horsey info – we had better not forget the lovely Nancy. Here she is with Sally galloping away with Chatsworth in the background.

Shop Local!

In the last edition you will have seen that I went to Wythenshawe Park and bought some rather expensive local honey. In the same shop I noticed “Mrs Darlington’s” preserves, a selection of jams, chutneys and curds that were stocked in the local farm shop and marketed as local produce. More recently I went to Bakewell, and bought a local Bakewell Pudding (same ingredients but quite different to the Bakewell Tart).

In the same local shop guess what else was on sale? “Mrs Darlington’s” preserves. Now, I am sure that Mrs Darlington’s produce is flavourful, but local to Bakewell and Wythenshawe it is not. Its from Crewe! I suppose its about the same as Chatsworth Farm Shop suggesting that all of their “local” produce is actually grown on the farm!

Its Been A Long Time

Its seems a long time ago since we went to Spain (August 2021), and even longer since we went long haul, so we were mightily relieved to finally get away to the Dominican Republic. We upgraded to Business Class with Air France, though someone forgot to tell Air France what “Business Class” actually entails.

For the previous few weeks I had been getting government updates for travel to France and the Dominican Republic, but none of them seemed to specifically refer to “Transit”, so I interpreted them as best I could! Turns out I had more documentation than I actually needed, but better safe than sorry.

There were horror stories related to Manchester Airport, particularly four hour queues at security. I had dropped off a family friend at the airport the previous weekend so I knew that these stories were true! So, we arrived there at 3.30am for a 6am flight. There were check in queues, mainly for bag drop, but security looked deserted. We joined the Sky Priority bag drop queue from Air France, and although there were only about a dozen people in front of us, it took well over an hour to drop our bags and collect our boarding cards.

Covid Crisis

We also had to demonstrate our covid status, and as Sally could not download hers. She had not enabled face recognition and there was no Wifi available at the check in desk. This added another ten minutes onto the whole process. Note to Air France – when queues build up you need to be able to open more priority desks, which they eventually did after an hour.

We cruised through security, except, of course, for the obligatory search of Sally’s bag. This time she claimed it was just a random drugs search and swab, but Ole, Zac and myself shook our heads! It was now 5.30 and we exited security through the duty free shop (why does every airport take you through the duty free shop?). We didn’t even have time for the lounge, but Sally edged towards Jo Malone. “The display doesn’t say Flounce Off To Duty Free,  it actually says Go To Gate,” I pointed out, and we headed for the plane.

The flight was late taking off, mainly due to waiting for passengers to get through the Air France check in process, but we had a layover of 4 hours at Charles De Gaulle airport and so were not too concerned.

Non Madame

On the long haul flight the crew came round asking for our choices for lunch. Although Sally was one of the first to be asked, she was told that they had no beef. She didn’t want anything else, so the stewardess went away to see what she could do. A few minutes later she came back and effectively said that Sally could have her beef and she would have something else.

Now this is wrong on so many levels, for instance, why make a passenger feel like you are taking the food off someone’s plate, and why are the crew reserving their meals before Business Class passengers. The Air France offering included ewe’s milk cheese tart and cucumber juice, but it was ok. Not a patch on KLM, but at least with Air France we had good seats and rest areas.

They offered us champagne, water or orange juice prior to take off, at which point Zac requested a vodka and lemonade. They made him wait for that!

Arriving in Punta Cana we would normally expect Business Class passengers to disembark first, but not with Air France. They positioned the air bridge over the second door, and then we waited for the next cabin load of passengers to get off before we could.

Paradise Found

Our bags arrived promptly, and we negotiated the zoo that is the Punta Cana arrivals hall before picking up our transfer. Forty five minutes later we arrived at the beautiful Zoetry Agua Punta Cana resort, and our troubles seemed to melt away.

The first morning we were up early, like 5am early. After a quick coffee we strolled along the beach and watched the sun rise. Later in the day we discovered that there was a coral reef just off the beach which meant that snorkelling was within easy reach. The activities included yoga, Spanish lessons, aqua gym and evening entertainment. Ole and Sally made the most of these, I did not.

 

The following day our early morning beach stroll was interrupted by a security guard who wanted to know our room number so that he could account for everyone leaving the resort, as well as returning. Where were you at 5am yesterday? I thought to myself.

Fish Food

We saw a local guy catching fish from the beach, but he got a bit too close to one of them and got bitten. The blood poured out, and he had to rip up his t-shirt to stem the flow. We explained this to the boys, but it did not deter them from entering the ocean. They snorkelled quite far out, and when Ole told Zac that he thought he had seen a barracuda, Zac did not ask any questions. He turned to the shore and motored as fast as he could to the safety of dry land.

Zac spent a lot of his time studying, with exams straight after the Easter holidays. However, he did try a lot of new foods, including rice wrapped in vine leaves, and chicken wings that became his staple lunchtime protein. He was promised lobster, but none of the restaurants had it on the menu. Apparently it was the wrong time as it was the breeding season and quotas were reduced.

So, we asked our concierge for a taxi to Castaways, a local beach restaurant that advertised grilled lobster. This was arranged, but before that he also managed to get one of the restaurants to prepare lobster just for us. This was very much appreciated, and delicious, but we decided to head for Castaways the following day anyway.

Desert Island Security

The taxi picked us up and drove us a few miles down the coast. Castaways is on the beach inside a gated community full of apartments and villas, so the taxi had to stop at the gate. I was a bit surprised when paperwork had to be completed, but we were soon on our way. The driver gave us his card, and passed some paperwork to the restaurant. We ordered several starters, grilled lobster, mahi mahi, local beers, and finished it off with key lime pie (not as good as mine!)

It was a peaceful setting on the beach, a very relaxing atmosphere, and the staff seemed to be genuinely Caribbean. Then, the staff called our driver who needed more paperwork. The restaurant had to sign to say we had visited them, we had to pass that to the driver, and he had to hand it in on the way out of the gate. It was all very over the top, and would probably put me off ever going to the Dominican Republic again.

Delayed

Our return took us via Santo Domingo, adding a couple of hours onto the journey, but that at least meant we would catch the race at Paris. The whole process of pick up, check in, security and passport control was very good, and we were soon chilled in the lounge. Zac went to Pizza Hut! At Manchester there were lots of e-gates open, we cruised through and had to wait all of five minutes for our bags. In fact, the biggest delay was waiting to turn right off the A555 at High Lane!

Culinary Creations

In the kitchen I have been very busy, with St Patrick’s Day creating a flurry of activity. I made potato farls, boiled ham and cabbage, St Patrick’s Day cake and a new venture, bread and butter pudding with Irish Whiskey custard. That was very heady, and should always be followed by a lie down.

The clay oven has been in constant use, with pizzas and chicken high on the agenda, but as we approach spring, and because the Irish Whiskey custard left me with a lot of unused egg whites, I also made a meringue with fresh fruit.

Fire!

In the garden I have been digging up some shrubs and replacing them with laurels to create a natural hedge. One of them was a real bastard to extract, causing me to break one of the tines off a garden fork. When I chopped into it the inside was bright yellow, clearly toxic and we are well rid of it!

Elsewhere, we cleared out the fire pit, and as our neighbours were getting rid of a garden shed I decided on a bonfire. It went up like a dream, and generated such heat that it shattered several of the rocks around the pit. It was worth it though.

 

Champions!

Ole’s Hayfield team duly won the league in a canter, losing just one game all season. They did suffer a draw in their final game at home to Buxworth, but only because the referee had an absolute shocker. I don’t normally criticise referees, but when they are in their seventies and can barely see the watch on their wrist it is perhaps time to think about hanging up their whistle.

The season is not yet over, as while we were away on holiday they also beat 19th hole in the cup semi final, so we look forward to the cup final at Baslow at the end of the month.

On the acting front Ole has done plenty of auditions without much success. However, he did receive another boost from the BUPA ad that he recorded two years ago. They want to run it for another year so he gets another annual fee!

Lay Down Your Spoons

We seem to have lost a lot of teaspoons. Ole blamed Zac, mum blamed Zac, and Zac said he had noticed that there were fewer about. So, we had a spoon amnesty. We are not yet up to our full complement, but there has been a definite increase.

Wrapping A Cat

Anyone know how you wrap a cat? Probably best to just pretend that you are wrapping something else. They always get involved.

December 27, 2021 by Mike Madden

Covid For Christmas

An Eye Watering Review

I will start this edition with a product review. Not something I do a lot, and certainly not in response to emails that arrive literally minutes after ordering. However, I feel that guys out there need to know the truth, so here goes.

I am 60 so I feel I can talk about the sensitive and possibly disgusting subject of nasal hair removal. I have used a few trimmers, but I have never found one that is both reliable and really good at removing hair. Some of them eat through batteries way faster than the Duracell bunny, whilst others pull and tear rather than trimming. So, I thought there must be a better way. I found this on Amazon…

The line on the front of the package states “Fast, Effective & Painless Nose Hair Removal”, so it seemed ideal. I also read some reviews, which seemed to back this up. The reality is very different.

Hot Stuff

Essentially you get some wax beads, little cups to melt them in, moustache guards so you don’t remove your moustache, wooden spatulas to stir the wax, and applicators to apply the molten wax. It suggested 3 minutes in the microwave for the wax, followed by 90-120 seconds to set in the nose. After 3 minutes there were still lumps in the wax, so I gave it another minute.

I stirred quickly, and although the instructions suggested one nostril at a time, I realised that by the time the first one was done the rest of the wax would have set. So, I tested the temperature of the wax and it seemed ok, then I carefully placed one applicator into a nostril. I did the same with the  other one. It said you would be able to feel when the wax was cool enough and set enough to remove, but I preferred to count. I gave it the full 2 minutes, which may have been a mistake.

Nose To Nose

I gently pulled, and realised that a sharp tug was required. so I tugged. If you can imagine the idea of putting hot wax up your nostril and literally tearing the nasal hair, well that sounds painful, right? And it was! With eyes watering I did get the sense that something had been removed from my nose. Maybe something that wasn’t meant to be removed. It somehow felt cleaner. I looked at the applicator which was a big mistake. It looked like a fruit salad chew that had somehow fallen under the fridge and been discovered 6 months later.

I then realised my second mistake. Whilst waiting for my eyes to clear and trying to get the image of a hairy fruit salad chew out of my mind, the second nostril had set harder than it should. Not messing about, I knew the tug had to be a lot harder, and it was. So hard that it drew blood. Again, there was a lot of hair, but I now had the sensation that someone had punched me on the nose with a red hot fist.

In Case Of Emergency…

It obviously did the job, but the prospect of doing it again seemed quite remote. However, in for a penny and all that, I thought the ears would be much easier. That was certainly not true. It seems that ears are way more sensitive than nostrils, and I found this out rather quickly as the hot wax seared the opening to my ear.

In this case I rolled the wax around to cover all areas, and as with the nose I did two at once. This time I thought I would give it just 90 seconds, but it was still too late. I had an applicator sticking out of each ear, and a throbbing nose, reminiscent of Blackadder just before he went over the top. A sharp tug was a terrifying thought as the surface area of the ear is far greater than the nose, and that bit of the ear that juts up above the lobe is possibly one of the most sensitive parts of the body.

And Eyes And Ears And Mouth And Nose

For more than a moment I considered that I might have to go to casualty to get the applicators removed, then I manned up and pulled. Wow! My ears were ringing, completely taking my mind off my throbbing nose. The ripping sensation felt like someone had used rusty scissors to tear apart the ear, and I still had the other one to do. I pulled the second, and found that I was left with a strip of wax on a strip of hair that still needed to come out, but now I had no applicator. I eventually resorted to scissors, being careful not to irritate my reddened aural aperture.

To all of you ladies out there who regularly wax your more sensitive areas, I salute you. I still have two applications left in the package, but I am not going anywhere near them. Probably end up on eBay, unless I get drunk at a Christmas party. It would certainly make for an interesting forfeit.

Covid Communication

At the end of my last edition you probably saw that Ole had covid and missed two auditions. Well, actually he missed the Kes audition, and although they said they would wait until this week for a Zoom call they have already found someone else. The Waterloo Road audition was done over Zoom, not ideal for a Chemistry Test, so he is not too hopeful about that one either.

However, the real kicker came two days later when Zac announced to the world that he was also positive. I was a little sceptical as he retired to his room with the test, and when I asked him for the test so I could register it, he quickly intervened and said he would register it himself! However, with two boys on lockdown the house has become somewhat chaotic. Fortunately we have a Messenger group to maintain clear communication, and it has been a bit of an eye opener.

Covid Catering

The food requests started early!

The box in question was Dairy Box (remember those?). Apologies to someone who would have missed out as that box had been earmarked as a prize in the Whaley Bridge Cricket Club Christmas raffle.

It seems that Ole’s enforced isolation had seen a deterioration in his eating habits…

The following morning he seemed to repent…

Zac’s demands were a lot simpler – basically ham and cheese in either a sandwich or a toastie. But there are always complications…

 

…and we do expect some minimum standards!

By now I was getting used to it…

Then it became like Deliveroo…

The requests became more detailed as the days passed…

Staffing became an issue…

The threat of a review had to be addressed…

Zac had to do another test – just to be sure…

The results were inconclusive! I suspected foul play…

Takeaway Time

Despite Covid, or perhaps because of it, we stuck to Saturday night as takeaway night…

As you probably know Ole’s body is a temple, Zac’s less so, and mum was playing the martyr…

Zac has seen this ploy before…

Ole’s requests were relentless – but I got some respite by taking a walk…

Eventually I resorted to a menu system…

We got busy – even Sally had to help…

After the stresses of Sunday – Sally had to take me to the hospital – the boys would have to fend for themselves…

Then it was back to normal…

Praise indeed…

But then the guests, sorry, patients started getting picky…

Finally, away from the kitchen, there has been a spate of burglaries…

Someone wasn’t taking it too seriously…

They are both now out of isolation, though I’m not convinced I have seen a negative test, and true to their word there was a review…

7/10?

If issues fixed?

Looking forward to when the tables are turned!

Eventually, just in time, I was able to get back to Rocky Road, and other Christmas goodies. High on the agenda was injecting the Creole Cake with a good dose of Cointreau, and that was followed a few days later by the final dressing!

With the Rocky Road and yet another chocolate log alongside the Creole Cake, overall I was quite pleased with the Yuletide baking!

Feeling A Prick

As mentioned above, Sally took me to the hospital to get my injection of Duralane, a form of Hyaluronic Acid. I thought I would get a local anaesthetic, but no. The surgeon asked me to lie back and said I would feel a sharp scratch. Now, admittedly, it wasn’t as bad as the Groomarang experience, but having a needle stuck in your knee, first to drain fluid and then to replace it, is not a particularly nice experience. Dull aches and sharp stabs are the order of the day, or maybe I just have a low pain threshold!

Christmas Crumbs

Regular readers will know that we stay at Middlethorpe Hall quite a lot. The beautiful National Trust property, almost adjacent to York racecourse, has been a favourite for years. Well this year we got a handwritten Christmas Card from the manager. I’m expecting an upgrade to the four poster suite next time we visit.

Finally, Christmas Day saw us get to light the Christmas Pudding. I had never made one of these from scratch before, but they will definitely become a regular feature of Christmas, if only to wonder whether it will explode or not!

July 19, 2021 by Mike Madden

Tarts And Cakes And Penalties

Back To Normal?

Are you ready to return to normal? I certainly am. Last week I went in to Tesco and had got more than half way round the shop before I remembered to put my mask on, and no one commented!

Predictably our holiday to the Dominican Republic got cancelled again, it is now scheduled for April 2022, although now the Dominican Republic is on the red list! However, April is a long time off. Of more concern is our trip to Spain. That was due to start in July, but Easyjet cancelled the flights. So, it moved to August. Fingers are well and truly crossed!

The Vegetable Patch

Of course, with the vegetable patch in full production we won’t go hungry, as long as we can survive on radishes and lettuce. The runner beans are some way off, though the carrots might be about ready, and I dug up the first potatoes yesterday.

Its a bit early for the tomatoes, and although the broccoli initially got chewed up there are now some healthy plants growing. The peas were not so lucky, I have maybe one or two plants to produce a summer and autumn of peas. The sprouts are intriguing. A couple of them got nibbled but whatever was nibbling didn’t like the taste. The remaining 8 are growing healthily and should be just about ready for Christmas!

Elsewhere, I asked Sally to bring back some sweet pea seeds. She returned with chives. These herbs are quite easy to grow, but not as pretty! Anyway, Ive since planted plenty of sweet peas and sunflowers to provide some colour in July and August.

The initial crop of radish was vibrant!

In The Kitchen

As ever it has been busy in the kitchen, and I came across a recipe for crumble cake. The bottom part is a fruit sponge, and the top is a fruit crumble. What’s not to like? I began with raspberry and fig, but my favourite is definitely apple and blackberry!

       

Apple & Blackberry or Fig & Raspberry – you decide!

I also made a perennial favourite – Bakewell Tart!

And of course Bakewell Tart is just one of the many recipes in my latest book. The imaginatively titled Mmm…No2…Cookbook is a sequel to Mmm…No1…Cookbook, but don’t expect a quick third edition. It has taken nine years to produce this second tome.

I finally released it on Amazon in June, and it is available on Kindle or paperback.

Mmm…No2…Cookbook on Amazon

Back to the garden and we got a reasonable crop of gooseberries. I rustled them up into gooseberry, almond and apple tarts. They went down so well that I had to make some more the following day. Definitely candidates for Mmm…No3…Cookbook.

Elsewhere in the kitchen I drove down to Rusholme last week and bought a huge assortment of spices. Many of the ones I have at home are 10+ years old, and although they don’t really go off they certainly lose a bit of their sparkle. So, armed with star anise, cardamoms, fenugreek and ajwain I set about making completely fresh balti garam masasla and balti paste.

This is the garam masala ready for grinding.

You can expect pics of different balti curries in a few weeks time (usually about 6 weeks for the taste to mature), and in the meantime for that authentic curry smell just nip round to my kitchen!

And whilst on the subject of curries, what has happened to the “curry mile”? This quintessentially British phenomenon has been infiltrated by steak houses and barbeque pits, barely an elephant’s trunk kebab shop to be seen. Fortunately the Worldwide Foods supermarket has survived.

Zac finished school for the summer, and he naturally went out to celebrate. When he came home I heard a lot of noise in the kitchen so I went to see what he was up to. In a throwback to Phoenix Nights, he was cooking oven chips in a frying pan (the clue is in the name). However, he persevered and claimed that the taste was even better. I suspect that was the alcohol speaking.

Meanwhile Sally is exploring the possibility of those boxes of food that are a complete recipe. You just order it, cook it and eat it.

She is even considering her own range – I think she could be on to something!

Sport For All

Sport made a welcome return earlier in the year, and Zac made the most of it playing in goal for Whaley Bridge Under 18s. In a tense cup tie at Stockport Vikings the game finished 1-1. In the evening gloom it went to penalties and Whaley missed early. Zac saved, Whaley scored, then Zac saved again. Another goal from Whaley meant that Zac had the chance to win it…

The following week glorious April burst into life with a hailstorm in Offerton as Zac played against Hillgate Boys Club, and the cricket season began in the lowest temperatures and most miserable conditions I can remember for several years.

I played against Broadbottom 3rd XI and scored a 50 – still got it in my 60th year, but my legs were stiff for days. A couple of weeks later I smashed a quick 31 against Old Glossop. However, a pulled knee caused some discomfort, and in a T20 game a few days later that worsened into a tweaked hamstring. Of course, I didn’t think it was that bad, and 3 days later I played again, the result of which was a grade 3 hamstring tear. Four weeks and several physio sessions later I tested it in another T20 fixture. It failed – so now I am waiting for another opportunity towards the end of July.

Ole also suffered an injury playing football for Chapel. He had been playing well for the seconds and got asked to play for the firsts. He was sub, and complained that he had felt something in the warm up. Like father like son, he came on and lasted just four minutes before retiring injured. He made his comeback at Dove Holes, and somehow got cramp in both legs. He seems to be over the worst for now, but then he is not almost 60!

The Euros came and went with some very entertaining games and a lot of alcohol consumed. The Drum And Monkey did an outstanding job of hosting our regular trips down the lane, though unfortunately they could not guide us through penalties. Perhaps Jordan Pickford should have copied Zac’s technique.

DIY

Never really thought DIY would be a section in my blog, but after the benches, the seat and the cold frames, I decided to make a fountain in the part of our garden that has become known as “The Gypsy Camp”.

Digging out was surprisingly easy, then I inserted a plastic bucket, covered it with a sieve, bought a pump with tubing from Amazon, and an ornamental head from an online garden centre. The whole thing was finished off with a few ornamental pebbles, and it works quite well. When the plants have grown to cover up the few bits of structure that are visible my work will be complete!

I also decided that I should have a clay oven in the garden. So, I ordered a handmade one from Fuego, made with real Spanish clay! Fortunately the lead time is 15 weeks. Fortunately, because it needs a cover to shelter it from the elements. I was thinking a lean to type structure, and the builder could also build the brick base for the oven which weighs, quite literally, a ton.

I was thinking that this type of lean to would suffice for the pizza oven!

However, when Sally got hold of the plans they seemed to escalate out of control. RSJs were mentioned, extensions, foundations and all manner of garden structures.

I think she based her plans on this…

Getting Away

Despite the lockdown restrictions we have managed to get away a couple of times. One of these was a trip to see family in Kent, and we were supposed to be staying at the local pub. We had two rooms booked, or so we thought, including a twin for Ole and Zac. A double booking meant the twin was not available, so they had to share a double, which was fine. Then, a further complication meant that only one room was available, and would they mind camping out? “We have gone from the comfort of two single beds, to sharing a double, and now a tent. How has it come to this?” moaned Ole. Eventually they crashed at a cousin’s flat, and as he went out of his way to make them sausage, bacon and egg butties the next day all was well with the world.

The next trip was a day at York races. It was a bit odd, with vastly reduced crowds and table service in a carvery restaurant, but the booze was plentiful and Sally had her share of winners. Afterwards we retired to Middlethorpe, where we sat on the terrace in the evening sunshine drinking a jug of Pimms! Lockdown? What lockdown?

Going To The Pub?

The PubHead app is starting to gain traction and we are one of the sponsors for the Leek Blues & Americana Festival.

You can find the app in the app store and on Google Play or visit www.pubhead.com.

Here is our promotional video…

A Good Education

Zac is now at the stage where he is considering his options for university or maybe an apprenticeship. Of course that also means that, as he finishes his first year of college, he will need considerably more disposable income. This is particularly true as he has now passed his driving test, but more of that later.

He considered a few things, and Sally suggested one particular seasonal job that he was definitely not impressed with. “I know that beggars can’t be choosers,” he said, “but I want something a bit better than selling ice cream in Pomeroy.”

Towards the end of term he was not quite as diligent as he could have been in attending lessons. He missed a business studies class, and Sally got a “ping” to inform us that he had not turned up. Although he promised to make up for the missed time, there was more bad news for him. Someone that did actually attend the lesson tested positive for covid and therefore the whole class had to self isolate and miss the rest of school. Except for Zac!

As I said, Zac was extremely lucky to get the first driving test on the first morning that they were available after lockdown. He passed, and within a couple of days he was the proud owner of a Ford Zetec. Unfortunately it broke down due to a mechanical fault related to the engine warning light, but that was quickly resolved. However, it also broke down for a different reason. He was somewhere up Chinley Churn one evening, and his car would not start. He had the lights on, the music on, maybe even the air con. The only thing that wasn’t on was the engine. It was clear that they battery had died, and in attempt to guide me to his location I received this…

I insisted that he made his way to the railway bridge, and eventually I got him home. Then Sally had to take him back to his car to remove all valuables, as he realised that the windows were all down and with no power he couldn’t put them up again. Sally was not best pleased!

Animal Magic

Bo has now become (more or less) an outdoor cat, and little presents are almost a daily occurrence.

She has not yet taken to disembowelling them, but it can only be a matter of time.

Meanwhile, we are buying a racehorse. The plan is to rely on the expertise of one of my Buyanom contacts, Luke, to help us to identify a yearling at the Tattersalls October sales. Luke suggested we could get the horse “broken in” locally, which would not only save on costs but would also allow us to visit the horse regularly. Sally listed a few potential horsey people, but it began to sound like something out of Peaky Blinders. Anyway, this Friday we are visiting David O’Meara’s yard just outside York with a view to maybe housing the horse there for its racing career. More updates to follow.

Finally, I woke up this morning to some excitement as Sally said she found a hedgehog on the path. “Where is it?” I asked. “In the bin, it was dead,” she commented. I have no idea how it got there, and maybe more will follow, but given Sally’s track record for bringing dead hedgehogs into the garden it is a worrying development!

Wooden Shite With Candles

November 29, 2020 by Mike Madden

Losing It In Lockdown

So we are in Lockdown 2 – only a month, but its already had an impact. We booked a holiday for February, travelling in style to the Dominican Republic where Zac could enjoy the delights of a butler, a plunge pool, and lobster on demand.

The flights were via Paris, and unfortunately Air France have cancelled all flights for the foreseeable future.

On the positive side, Virgin Holidays customer service excelled themselves, and within 20 minutes they had rebooked us on the same trip for the end of March. I’ll warn the butler.

Steps

Back in July I thought it would be interesting to take the million step challenge. The idea is to walk 1 million steps in 3 months, and I have decided it is  impossible. I refereed several football games, did endless walk rounds at cricket, and walked up and down Elnor Lane picking blackberries. I don’t think I even reached half way.

Lockdown Treats

The kitchen has been a busy place, with Lockdown Saturday treats and a few in midweek too. My bramble gin has been duly bottled, and the Creole cake has had its first and second feeds (port and brandy – sherry and Cointreau to come). Chocolate digestives have been made, hidden, found and eaten, whilst Victoria sponge and chocolate sponge with Nutella buttercream didn’t last much longer. The latest creation is mini cheesecakes. They are supposed to be left to set for 24 hours, but I am not hopeful!

Pumpkin pie was a perennial favourite, and then there were beef enchiladas!

And chocolate skulls for Halloween…

 

Of course, as the year turns towards December there is the obligatory chocolate log and gingerbread biscuits.

Shoutout to Hickory’s Smokehouse in Poynton. We’ve been there twice recently and not only do they do the Covid distancing really well, they also serve delicious food and drink.

For our wedding anniversary we headed to Castleton, and decided to climb up Winnats Pass. Well, about 2/3 of the way. Its a lot easier going up than coming down, especially on a wet day. Anyway, we survived and had a nice pub lunch at the Bull’s Head. Wonder when we will be allowed to do that again?!

Bo!

We have the patter of tiny feet around our house, as Bo the little girl pussycat joins the family. She spent the first few days sat on my shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, but that has now changed. She has settled in very well, loves to surprise you by leaping on to your back, hanging on with extended claws, and her favourite resting place is a chair under the dining room table last frequented by Bobby.

 

PubHead

Its a bad time to launch PubHead, it being a pub-based app, but it has given us the opportunity to add new features – the latest being pub crawls. Once lockdown ends and the tier system moves in our favour, who will be first to complete all pubs in Whaley Bridge?

Get the PubHead app

When Is A Good Deed Not A Good Deed?

Zac had a pair of Yeezys that he outgrew. Size 8, whereas he is now a size 10. These exclusive trainers were the genuine article – I know because I paid for them. But when Sally tried to sell them she was hit with a barrage of “they look fake”! If there was definitive proof that they were not fake they would have fetched around £170, but people remained sceptical. However, there is a boy in Buxton who lost a lot of his possessions in a fire. Sally offered the magical trainers to him and he was delighted. It was a real feelgood gesture, but Zac did point out one downside, “I am still £170 down on the deal”.

Zac has had abut 3 driving lessons, but that does include driving to Buxton and back. Now, however, he wants to drive us all to my mum’s in Sale at Christmas, as that is what Ole did (after significantly more lessons). I feel that only an extended lockdown will thwart him.

Acting Up

Ole has been very busy despite the lockdown.

His LGBTQ short film is now the subject of a book available on Amazon,

A Series Of Light book

Whilst his BUPA ad finally saw the light of day

BUPA ad

He also did another voiceover, a job he got because of his Wereworld recording in London, and then he got a part in the Channel 4 series Ackley Bridge. Its a small part in the final episode of the next series, but he made the most of the experience, staying in a nice hotel for a couple of nights and mixing with the rest of the cast. It should hit the screens in February.

This week he has had two audition requests, one for Coronation Street, but I’m not allowed to tell you which part as it would be spoiler, and Brideshead Revisited which would be very exciting with a lot of global travel (post pandemic of course!)

Kitchen Calamity

Despite best efforts, some home made things don’t last as long as the preservative filled equivalents that the supermarkets sell. I made sweetcorn relish, and despite being in the fridge it grew some mold. Sally decided she would try to avoid the mold and use the rest of the jar, but to no avail. She eventually gave up, but the interesting part concerned the jar itself. She was making beetroot chutney at the time, and I pointed out that the jar was given a thorough wash in boiling water, and then sterilised in the oven. “In the oven?” she questioned, and hastily revised her plans for cleaning the chutney jars.

The pumpkins came to an untimely end, as the local squirrel population filled their faces with them. We salvaged a very small one, just to prove that it was genuinely a pumpkin, but not sure we will use up that amount of growing space to feed Mr and Mrs Nutkin next year.

We got a new dishwasher this week, or rather we didn’t, we got a six month old dishwasher, as ours has a dodgy front panel which means opening it is, well, very slightly more awkward than on other dishwashers. Anyone who has ever had to plumb in a dishwasher will tell you it is never straightforward, but Sally duly fetched the dishwasher, chopped the plug off the old dishwasher so that it could be removed, and made ready to plumb the new one in. Unfortunately, the water pipe is not compatible. It has a small plastic block on the end of the pipe, and there is no way this will fit with our existing pipe structure. So we would have to put the old one back. But wait a minute, she chopped the plug off that one so it won’t work. So, now we have to call a plumber to alter our pipework so that we can replace an old dishwasher with a slightly less old dishwasher.

And Finally…

We still went to York for our annual pilgrimage, despite not being able to actually attend the races. Middlethorpe Hall was magnificent, and we decided to make the most of our night away with dinner at the National Trust hotel. Sat in the drawing room, we had several drinks beforehand, and I decided to nip back to our room to get changed.

“I was just going to bring you a menu,” the waiter said as I walked past him. “I will leave it with the young lady.”

“I would rather you left it with my wife,” I replied. I laughed at my own joke, Sally did not!

June 27, 2020 by Mike Madden

Ciabatta And Chocolate Cake

The interminable lockdown continues, but I have been as busy as ever, with gardening, chocolate cake and DIY all on the agenda! I am working on projects for Google (GCP) and Buyanom by day, whilst still managing to make dinner with some careful planning. And there are good reasons for that.

The Kitchen

First of all I asked Sally to cook something. It was not a complicated task! Five minutes later the smoke alarm is blaring throughout the house. Secondly, I asked Ole and Zac to make dinner. They decided on burgers, and somewhat ambitiously got the grinder out of the cupboard. 20 minutes later two burgers had been made, the grinder was very hot, and there was a lot of cursing.

“Its rubbish,” said Ole.

“Nothing is coming out,” said Zac.

The grinder is not an industrial on; it can get blocked. I started to take it apart. Funnel, corkscrew, fastener, mince wheel…

“Where’s the…” I said.

“You mean this?” Ole interrupted, holding up the cutting blade. “We took it out as it was blocking everything.”

So they had basically been trying to push chunks of steak through very small holes. I suggested they put the two already made burgers back into the mix and start again!

Can’t Beet It

In an unrelated episode Sally bought some raw beetroot.

She put it on the stove to cook and went about her business. Ole looked puzzled. “Should I turn it off?” he asked. “No – it will be fine,” said mum. I nudged him, and said, “that will be forgotten”. Sure enough, an hour or so later, Sally had left and gone to the farm. I got a call. “Can you turn the beetroot off?” “You called it dad,” said Ole. “Experience and orphaned pan lids,” I said. I then removed the heat that was starting to meld the beetroot into the enamel of yet another pan.

Orphans

Ciabatta

June was definitely Ciabatta month, and I found a great recipe. The first attempt was ok; I left the “Biga” for 4 hours to mature before starting the full baking process.

A good first try, but my second attempt was a revelation. This time I left the Biga overnight, and left the dough much stickier. I realised I would probably need a bigger bowl!

The finished bread was magnificent, even if I do say so myself. The proof of the pudding, as they say! It had all gone a very short time later.

Anyway, I have now ordered a bigger bowl – so expect a lot more breadmaking in the near future!

Chocolate

Chocolate cake has been a popular choice over the last few weeks, and any time really! I made a Genoese sponge with chocolate buttercream…

…and it seemed to be going down rather quickly.

“Zac, how much cake have you had?
“A normal amount”
“And how many times have you had a normal amount?”
“Twice. Not counting after tea.”

So three then – but that still did not account for all of the missing cake.

“Sally, have you had any cake?”
“I’ve had chocolate egg.”
“That’s not what I asked – have you had any cake?”
“I might have had a sliver.”

Honestly – you have to be on your toes! I am thinking of diverting the Ring doorbell for my next one.

I also made Gypsy creams, mainly because I wanted a good picture for Mmm…No2…Cookbook.

These are a great biscuit for dunking – and very moreish. Its a shame they stopped making them – and if they started again they would probably have to change the name to appease the PC brigade!

Another popular dish has been Mexican lentil soup. Depsite the hot weather this is quite refreshing, with the chilli giving it a real kick,

The Garden

The vegetable patch is coming along famously and we have already tucked into plenty of fresh lettuce. Sally says its expensive in the shops – I reckoned we have saved around £4.75 up to now!

Ole questioned the merits of this – “will it taste of soil?” I assured him that it would be totally organic and free from chemicals. “Chemicals that make it taste nice,” he responded. There is no hope for the youth of today, and Zac didn’t help when I extolled the virtues of picking peas and eating them straight out of the pod, “There’s no way I am eating raw peas!” and bearing in mind he eats less than 10 peas at a single sitting this will definitely be an uphill struggle.

The beans took a while to get going, but now they are climbing away…

…and the pumpkins are adapting to their new surroundings.

The most eagerly anticipated crop is beetroot. Everyone tells us it is difficult to grow!

Of course, I put the success down to the scarecrow keeping all of those pesky birds at bay!

The Bench

For those that know me this next story may seem a little unbelievable, I made a garden bench. Sally moved a dilapidated bench to the vegetable patch. I suggested it should be thrown away, as the wood was completely rotted. With a venomous undertone she suggested that she had had the bench for a long time, and it would be akin to throwing away her childhood. So, I set about restoring it. I measured the wood that was left to work out what was needed. Then I dismantled the dilapidated relic.

As I did so I realised that the metalwork would also need renovation, and my original idea of throwing it away seemed a lot more appealing. Drinkwaters supplied some sturdy wood. I sawed it and chiselled it, and I gave it a couple of coats of misty blue paint. Then it was rust removal time! This would have been a lot easier with a flat piece of metal, but ornate bench ends are not great for wire brushes. I got some attachments for the power drill, and I displaced quite a bit of the old paint and rust. Next I got some rust remover, and this did as good as a job as I could have hoped for. Finally, I applied spray paint, and left the black ends to dry.

Construction

Putting it all together was probably the hardest part, as some of the screws were in awkward positions, especially with the added complication of a lever that allows the bench to face both ways. But, I persevered, and eventually a sturdy bench appeared. I am not sure how many times the metalwork has been replaced in the past, or, indeed, the wood (thanks Trigger). But to Sally it is now back to its original glory. Childhood saved!

Zac

Lockdown has been tough on Zac, in so many different ways. He looked for a lightsaber; unfortunately the one that he wanted was too expensive. Then eBay came to the rescue and he got one for around £3. It suprised him when it arrived, as it had been posted through the letterbox. It had been extracted from a MacDonald’s Happy Meal, rather than being a life-sized replica from Star Wars!

Football has been abandoned for the season, and he is not one to voluntarily indulge in exercise. However, he did go to the football field with a couple of mates. An hour later he returned to announce, “I am going for a little bath, I think I have earned it!”

Trying to build on that we suggested a family walk. “We can go up to the cricket field, or up to Eccles Pike?” mum suggested. “I am not going anywhere that involves the word up,” he replied.

Cycling

Last week he walked with his mates from Whaley to Combs, then he called me to drop my bike off so he could cycle back. Unfortunately he cycled back a bit too far, and ended up in the middle of Whaley. Undeterred, he walked over Old Road and arrived back in one piece. Two days later he is still complaining that he can no longer walk properly!

His favourite late night drink is hot chocolate. However, he is not to be fooled. He has a reputation as a super taster, and this was once again borne out as Sally tried to hoodwink him. They may look like Cadbury’s but they certainly don’t taste like Cadbury’s and he would not budge. After several attempts at bluff and bare-faced lies, Sally had to admit that she had tried to mix some Spanish hot chocolate with the Cadbury’s, and that it would taste the same. It clearly did not, and that might have had something to do with the Spanish stuff being 8 years out of date.

Zac’s mood was not helped when it was my turn to select which takeaway we would get. I said that there’s a new frozen yoghurt place in Buxton – we could go there. Zac was gobsmacked. No chippy, no Chinese, no Indian, no pizza? He suspected a rat. “Frozen yoghurt? Is that even a thing? I’m Googling it!” We ended up at the wonderful Frydays.

Yoghurt

And speaking of yoghurt, Sally regretted not putting her readers on when she indulged in scones with strawberry jam and cream. They just didn’t taste quite right.

Ole

Ole’s lockdown has been a very different beast to Zac’s, with daily workouts a regular part of his routine. “I’ve done weights and cardio. What have you done?” he asked his brother. “I’ve had four more hours in bed than you have,” was the technically accurate reply.

Ole finally finished his uni work, and he received the marks for his last piece. He is optimistic about his final grade which should be released in July. Meanwhile, the trailer for his film “White Light” has been posted on Youtube, with the full release on Amazon Prime Video on 17th July. It is one in a series of five or six short films, with the first released on 3rd July.

The trailer is here:-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuZnGbI-tGE

His audition to play a 15 year old for the BBC did not result in a role, but they contacted his agent to give him very good feedback, which is unusual. Ole then went on to say that at his BUPA ad, for which he has been paid handsomely, he also got good feedback from a friend of his agent, across both of the days of his filming. Zac listened along with a certain detachment before announcing, “I’ve had enough of your showboating!”

Its the time of year when everything becomes due all at once. I sorted out Ole’s car tax and insurance, and told him he needed an MOT. “What again?” was his stunned and possibly annual response.

Back To Work

Sally’s return to work as a volunteer at Stepping Hill seems to result in an endless supply of goodies donated by local businesses. At first it was primarily Easter Eggs, but last week a box of low sugar granola appeared. Having tasted it I can see why they had to give it away!

She also managed to sneak off for a haircut in the garden of her hairdresser in Buxton. She was a bit miffed when on her return I asked if her hairdresser was unable to do it (it was a joke!), whilst Ole said nothing at all. “Let’s see what Zac says,” she said, wondering if her youngest would pay her a compliment. “Says about what?” asked Zac. “You mean about mum always having a go at us?” Mum decided not to continue her search for platitudes.

I was a bit worried after a trip to the farm when it appeared that Nelly was ill. Sure enough, a couple of days later she was on antibiotics. Fortunately she has made a full recovery and is back to eating anything and everything, though strawberries are a particular favourite.

New Technology

I bought a portal for my mum so that she could keep in touch with her family during lockdown. She is just about getting used to it. Its a bit difficult to explain to someone who has only just dispensed with a proper wired dial phone how to swipe with your finger! She now enjoys video chats with her sister in Canada and several others. The portal is so impressive that it has become a must-have gadget, so now Sally and Gabi have them too. Who will be next?

Sport

The country is showing signs of returning to normal, with the Bundesliga back on our screens. Initially it was a strange experience without fans, but then La Liga reappeared, followed by the Premier League. Sadly, it looks like the domestic amateur cricket season will be all but wiped out. That is a real shame as the ground at Whaley Bridge looks magnificent!

I was saddened to hear of the death of Stranglers keyboard player Dave Greenfield. Together with Jean Jacques Burnel, in my opinion he was the Stranglers. They have announced that they will still play a farewell tour later this year, and it will be interesting to see who replaces Dave. I certainly hope that they release the film that we saw previewed in Brixton last year.

Here is my interview with the director David Boni

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/17050242

Facebook scams and Clickbaits seem to be thriving in lockdown (see previous posts). I can also categorically state that having not done the ice bucket challenge, I will not be posting 10 albums, 10 happy moments, or 10 footballers either!

Fathers Day was interesting as the boys bought me a turntable. They had never seen vinyl before, and they were fascinated that one single groove produced the music. They were less than impressed that an LP, when both sides were considered, contained around 12 songs!

The Road Ahead

So what does the future hold? Well, Buyanom is launching in the US, and although the Live Projects were curtailed this year we still have plans for next. Our pub app Pub-Head is still progressing, and although pubs are still locked down, we are hoping for a big launch in the autumn. One sponsor is already on board!

So, we have been indulging ourselves during lockdown, and I splashed out on some Birra Moretti glasses. I have already abused them – this is actually Magners with ice. Cheers!

January 30, 2020 by Mike Madden

The Saga Of Advent – Christmas Comes Early

Regular readers will recall Zac’s triumphant, if a little muddy, Duke Of Edinburgh expedition. Well, of course, that’s not all he had to do. Another of his tasks was cooking. He had to cook one dish every week for three months to show that he could do it. It started off well, with brownies, pizza, even Moroccan lamb. Then he kind of lost interest. That was until the night before the deadline when he had to complete two more tasks! There was a frantic scramble for ingredients as he decided to make a chocolate log. Ambitious, but he had seen me make one several times and he loved it. Unfortunately, left to his own devices, he used Lurpak spreadable rather than solid, unsalted butter. The mixture was like water, time was pressing on, and at around 10pm he had to start again! Zac being Zac he insisted on rolling the log the opposite way to me, so he ended up with a long thin branch rather than a thick log, but it worked! A bit of icing sugar and it looked quite festive. His alarm was set, and the next morning he produced scrambled egg on toast. Not the most ambitious, but the thirteenth of his thirteen food challenges was complete. Bronze award sorted. I think the silver award is out of the question.

Sally, Zac and Ole went to see 1917 at the Light Cinema in Stockport. It was brave of Sally to watch a movie so late in the afternoon, and she may well have had a snooze, but Zac came out absolutely buzzing. Highly recommended, so much so that he has already been to see it again. This is in stark contrast to Gypsy, the subject of our annual trip to the Royal Exchange in Manchester. Whilst the theatre retains all of its charm, the play was quite simply too long!

It may well be the last chance to catch The Stranglers live in 2020 as they announced that they are withdrawing from their gruelling tours. Manchester Apollo in November promises to be an emotional night.

In the next few weeks I will be back on the air with Ex Pat Radio. Several interviews are already in the can, including a very promising French outfit called Saults and an elderly Welsh chap who is still rocking with his band Razmtaz, but the two I am most looking forward to are Steve Harley (of Cockney Rebel fame), and Suzi Quatro.

Christmas was a bust time in the kitchen – with Rocky Road and of course Creole Cake emerging unscathed (apart from a somewhat grotesque snowman!

Zac’s rants are becoming infamous, and there was another last week when he could not find his hair conditioner. It turns out that Sally had binned it, even though there was enough for another wash still remaining. “When its ketchup I have to squeeze the last drop out of the bottle, but with conditioner you just throw it out. You’re a hypocrite,” he declared to his unsuspecting mother.

She does sometimes get the better of him, or at least she thinks she does. A couple of weeks ago he refused to get out of bed, and she refused to give him a lift. It got worse and worse, and eventually he had to get the Service bus. When he got home he admitted that he did not actually get the Service bus, as his mate Alex was getting a lift from his dad and they picked Zac up at the bus stop. “Did you call him to pick you up?” I asked. “No,” Zac replied, but the guilty laugh told me otherwise.

Around Christmas could have been a stressful time for Zac, with mock exam results looming large. However, he was not really concerned. “I know how much work I’ve done to get these marks,” he reasoned, “so I will know how much more work I have to do to get better marks in the real exams.” Whether he actually does the extra work is another matter.

He seems to have spent a lot of money on his Xbox FIFA game recently, but, as ever, he has a plan. “Loads of people do it,” he said, justifying his criminal activity. “I buy some points, then tell them I’m only 12 and they have to give me my money back.” Dad’s foot went firmly down at this point.

Christmas was indeed a joyful time, and Sally loved it from the minute Ole rang her to play “Driving Home For Christmas” as he set off back to Whaley Bridge from Salford. However, he got a bit of a shock on Christmas Day. Zac had waited patiently for this moment, exacting revenge on his brother for a similar event years earlier. He carefully wrapped an iPhone 11 box (after getting instructions on how to wrap a box) and handed it to Ole on Christmas morning. Ole was so grateful to be able to replace his ageing phone, and he carefully lifted the lid to reveal… a pair of socks. “I just won Christmas”, Zac declared, with a laugh that Dick Dastardly would have been proud of.

Of course, Christmas is increasingly a time for parcel deliveries, and I was expecting a package. I received a very precise email notification, stating that it had been delivered at 11.52, but there was no sign of it. We have one of those Ring doorbells, so we checked the log. Sure enough, there was activity at 11.52, so where was it? Sally remembered the postman knocking, but she was not sure what happened after that. “It will be in the office,” she said, but it wasn’t. We searched high and low, and eventually found it tucked away in our wardrobe. “I don’t remember putting it there,” she admitted. We may have to have a Ring fitted on every door in the house so that we can trace parcels after delivery.

I’ve got another job! My trips to Kiev will soon fade away, but now the destination is Sao Paolo working with Google. That may sound exciting, and Zac is most impressed, but my first visit involved an overnight flight that landed at 6am. It was too early to check in so I got changed in the hotel toilet, then I spent a full day at the Google office. That night I had the luxury of a hotel room, and the next day I had a full day at a client office. I returned home on another overnight flight vowing never to do that kind of whistlestop trip again! I learnt that Sao Paolo traffic is amongst the worst in the world, with scores of vendors selling all manner of stuff to the drivers of endlessly stationary vehicles. I also learnt that Google have free beer in their offices every Thursday.

In fact, as I write I am on my way back to Sao Paolo on a much more sensible daytime business class flight (well, Google are paying so why not?) I had to be up at 3.40am, so I set two alarms, and then decided to add insurance with Alexa. “Alexa is the worst alarm ever,” said Zac. “You just have to say Alexa stop, and she does. Its rubbish. I have to set about ten Alexa alarms every morning.” “We know, we hear them,” Sally and I replied in unison. I have spotted a Runaway Alarm Clock on Amazon, I might just replace Zac’s Alexa with it! To make matters worse, snow was forecast overnight, making my journey to the airport potentially hazardous. “Its 31 degrees in Sao Paolo,” I announced. “Yes, but you will miss the snow,” said Zac. He will learn, one day.

I am not sure if this is the best Christmas present, but it has certainly got the most potential. The board is Velcro, and it takes footballs and tennis balls. Can’t wait for summer!

We live in a beautiful part of the world, and Sally seems to be somewhat jealous of my picture of Fernilee reservoir. I think she believes that she is the only photographer in the house. My thanks to Louise Thompson for letting her know how good my pic is!

Sad news that rockabilly legend Sleepy Labeef passed away. I first interviewed Sleepy back in 2009 which led to me meeting Mike Sanchez which led to Mike Sanchez Big Town Playboy – a marvellous adventure. RIP Sleepy.

We have launched a new app thanks to a collaboration with Manchester Metropolitan University. This one is along the lines of Panini football stickers, but for pubs You visit a pub, collect a sticker, and collect “Pint Points”. There’s also the facility to create “friends”, upload photos, and see yourself on leaderboards. Of course, its really an app to find pubs, and as it links to Google Maps you can find out what kind of establishments are in your vicinity with just a couple of clicks. It’s in beta testing at the moment, and only on Android, but we have big plans for it including a major launch during Freshers Week in September.

Android users can download the app here…

www.pubhead.com

Finally, another excitement that builds up towards Christmas is the traditional chocolate-filled Advent calendar. Mum laid one out for Ole, even though he was at university for much of the month, and one for Zac, but things did not go according to plan. Zac admitted that he had dipped into Ole’s calendar, proudly revealing that he started at the 24^th and worked backwards to avoid detection. Mum also admitted that she had snaffled a few, and when Ole got home he just gobbled up the rest. Advent finished on December 14th.

December 6, 2019 by Mike Madden

Cabbages, Pumpkins, And The Sound Of Sally’s Cooking

Time flies when you are having fun, and the Buyanom project has been a lot of fun. The next stop after Newmarket was the Goffs sale in Ireland – so I flew to Dublin and picked up a car with a magic mileometer. The fuel gauge indicated 573 miles when I got in, and I had to return it at the same level. I drove to Goffs, which is around 30 miles away, and the gauge had gone up to 581. A return trip to my Airbnb, followed by a journey into Naas and back it was now at 585. Returning to the airport I was looking for a petrol station, but decided not to bother. The gauge was now well beyond 590, and when I dropped it off the man checking gave me a big tick and a piece of paper and off I went. The sales were very Irish and very interesting. Wonderful Guinness, as you might expect. However, the most Irish part was the Airbnb. I messaged the owner and told her my arrival time. Would she meet me, would there be a lock box, would I pick up a key from her neightbour? No – she would leave it under the mat, “God Bless” (her words, not mine!). Once inside the first thing that greeted me was this…

…very appropriate for the good Catholic boy that I am! A further glance saw a huge wooden crucifix woven around the staircase, and I avoided touching it on my way upstairs in case there were any adverse effects.

My latest stop off is at the Tattersalls sales in Newmarket. I’m getting quite comfortable here now – I know where the sales ring and the cafe’s are, I can get my bearings around the stables, and I have got to recognise some of the showmen, or auctioneers as they are known around here! I’ve become adept at putting lanyards on pens…

…and I know not to nod my head or raise my hand when a horse is going for a million guineas!

Ole has been very busy recently, and for once it didn’t involve computer games. He has been filming for Whitelight by Oxygen Films, its one in a series of films that will be available in spring 2020 on Amazon Prime. Not sure what the plot is – but they had to buy him some new Calvin Klein underwear!

Today he has been in Stoke-On-Trent filming a music video. Robbie Williams? I hear you ask. Fortunately not – some guy called Tilstone.

As ever Buyanom isn’t my only source of work – and my next destination might be Brazil. I have been working with Google on a legacy modernisation project, and at first they told me it was Rio, great, but then it became Sao Paolo, not so great. Then they said they wanted me to attend a kick off meeting in Sao Paolo – a thirty five hour round trip for one meeting! That’s not very green.

Anyway, my other role in Leeds is not exactly slowing down, and I’ve just completed another week in Kiev. This time we went to another authentic Ukrainian restaurant, where cherry vodka was the accompaniment to Borscht served in a cabbage (no you don’t eat the cabbage), all washed down with some nettle beer! It could have been worse, bull’s heart and a variety of testicles were also on the menu.

After leaving the restaurant, close to the centre of Kiev, we had trouble with Uber. Our host could not get WIFI and so could not book the Uber for us (he was heading for the metro in the opposite direction). “Can’t we just get a cab, there are loads of them about?” I asked. “No,” he replied, sternly. “I cannot let you get in a cab.” “Why not?” “Because you don’t know who you are getting in a cab with, you do not know where they will take you, and we will not be able to explain to your family how to find you.” We waited for the WIFI to resume and caught an Uber!

Autumn sees the annual pilgrimage down to Wembley for the NFL. This time we were fortunate to see the Cincinnati Bengals, who until yesterday had been winless! The score doesn’t really matter, and as ever we nearly won loads of cash. The NFL really do need to sort kick off times out though. The game started at 5pm which meant it would be touch and go getting the last train back up north. So, we drove down to Beaconsfield and got the train to Wembley from there. We were early and so went in to the tailgate zone. Not what I was expecting, but the boys seemed to enjoy it!

Inside the stadium the food seems to have become even more random. Pulled pork on naan bread with mango chutney is probably some kind of fusion. Extortionate is the word I would use. Zac managed to get his customary sausage, Ole seemed to get some nice pics of himself, and on the ride home we had time to call at MacDonalds in Derby where Ole used his student status to nab a free cheeseburger (as well as the main meal that he had also ordered).

October inevitably means Halloween, and the annual pumpkin carving. We don’t get many trick or treaters – so I can only think I carve these pumpkins to give Nellie a treat of her own!

Of course there is always the spin off of pumpkin pie, which many people think is quite unhealthy. I suppose one of the more unhealthy parts of it is the pastry – so I dispensed with that and made what can only be described as pumpkin custard. Probably slightly healthier, except that it is so easy to eat!

Sally has been busy in the kitchen, and her cooking was accompanied by a very familiar sound. The kids wanted to know what was happening, but there was no need to worry. “Mum’s cooking has set the fire alarm off,” and they carried on as though nothing had happened.

I made lentil soup, with bacon and leeks and a few herbs, and it was delicious, even though I do say so myself. Actually, Sally also said it was, especially compared to hers. She had somewhat ambitiously tried to craft a leek and potato soup. Her simple ingredients were leeks, potatoes and water. There was a bit of stock, but absolutely no other flavours. So really she made leek and potato water, and it tasted like it. This may sound familiar to regular readers – and it is. She once used the same method to make cabbage water.

Ole was home a couple of weeks ago, and he looked with dread at the home made chocolate digestives. “They are my kryptonite,” he said as he took the lid off the biscuit tin. Meanwhile, Zac was clearly concerned that everything needs to be just right for Christmas. “You need to do a trial run of your chocolate log,” he suggested. So I did. It didn’t last long.

Zac still has his favourite tea, and one night after football practice his under 16s were followed on the pitch by a veterans game. They were clearly a man short, and they asked Zac if he fancied playing for them. He thought about, then he thought about his tea. “No thanks,” he said, ” I’ve got a lobster waiting at home.”

Finally, do you ever wonder if females have a conversation in their head and just share the last part with you? Well, its true. We were driving back through the Goyt Valley, and after taking in the spectacular scenery between Buxton and Whaley Bridge Sally announced, “You could drop me off at the top and pick me up at the bottom.” I pondered for a moment, then asked, “Where do you mean? Elnor Lane?” “No,” she explained, pointing out of the window. “I’ve never been on that path before, you could drop me at the top of it and pick me up at the bottom when I’ve walked along it.” I wonder what else I’ve missed out on with not having a window into her mind!

August 16, 2019 by Mike Madden

A Dam Fine Effort

Well, I knew my village was being partially evacuated, but sat in a hotel restaurant in Kiev on Thursday night and seeing Whaley Bridge on the news brought home the extent of the situation. Before flying home the following day I asked Sally to find out if they wanted any catering. When I landed, I half expected to hear that the dam had collapsed, but no! The emergency services and armed forces would love some hot food, and Tesco in Macclesfield would be happy to provide the ingredients. Fortunately our house was just beyond the evacuation line and we could get into and out of the area, often by a circuitous route. So we got through the roadblocks and set up our “big pan” near to the command centre.

Chilli & Crusty Bread

Some of the workers had been at it none stop for many hours, and they were so grateful for a plate of chilli and some crusty bread.

The PM arrived, and he was very well received! Everyone lined up to shake his hand, and he was happy to chat to anyone and everyone. It was a real morale boost. However, Sally was not happy with any of my pictures, including the one above. So, when Boris returned from the dam she intercepted him. This was the result.

The following day we came back and made paella, and were privileged to see the Chinook land (though we were warned that we could get blown into the middle of next week from the power of the rotor blades).

Sunday it was vegetable balti, and that disappeared quicker than I could make it!

Mouths To Feed

Another 60 or so hungry mouths fed. Some of them were living on crisps and biscuits as they didn’t have time for anything else. It was so pleasing that the “big pan” not only provided sustenance but also a focal point where they could catch their breath and have a moment among the chaos. The Chinook crew literally ran across and asked for a Tupperware box of curry with some naan which they then took into the chopper! No time to stop.

Monday we returned to chilli, and as there was a noticeable reduction in numbers it took a bit longer to shift. It seemed that things were now under control, so we had a night off on Tuesday. However, Wednesday seemed busier than ever. It was a first for the big pan – chicken and potatoes in a barbeque sauce, and it literally flew off the big spoon (every big pan needs a big spoon).

The big pan had quite a following by this time, and someone asked me what its called. “Horace” I said, a spur of the moment thing, but apparently he just wanted to know what TYPE of pan it is. Anyway, Horace seems to have stuck!

Our final pan was the ever reliable chilli, this one especially hot, and I was asked for the recipe so it must have been good. Maybe Mmm…No2…Cookbook needs to be rushed to the press with a special section on Horace and the dam. Proceeds to the emergency services of course!

They didn’t know who we were and we didn’t know who they were, but everyone was working together for the common good. And when you are serving paella to the deserving professionals and one asks ‘do you have a restaurant business in the village?’ it makes it all worthwhile.

Feel The Forces

Total respect for the armed forces and the emergency services, including RNLI, Buxton Mountain Rescue, and so many others as well as the obvious fire, police and ambulance. We were all hoping for a safe and successful outcome, and with the endeavours of these brave and tireless people we had every confidence in what they eventually achieved.

Away from the dam, somehow it has still been a very busy time. Zac went off on his official Duke Of Edinburgh mission, but not without wardrobe adjustments. It was quite a warm weekend, but he decided to dispense with shorts in favour of leggings, so as best to avoid ticks and adders. I suppose that its even more important when you consider that for the 36 hours that he was “in the wild” he avoided any hint of a wash or a change of clothes!

End Of An Era?

The end of my cricketing career is imminent, and a recent weekend at Woodley probably accelerated that. In all the years that I have been playing I like to think that I played the game the right way. I enjoyed my three centuries without gloating, and I begrudgingly applauded the centuries scored against me. My 162 not out against Offerton 2^nd XI will inevitably be a highlight. However, that game against Woodley, where incidentally my hazy memory suggests that may have been where I played my first ever game (apart from on the street using a tennis ball and a lamp post for the wicket), was the first time that I have ever seen physical violence threatened on the field of play.

Umpires stepped in and the game continued, but really, the thought of violence should be far from a cricketer’s mind, and the statutory punishment for such an offence should be a strong deterrent. Alas, I fear that the local game has gone. Contrast this with the emotion, drama and sportsmanship of the World Cup Final the following day, and I wonder whether those encouraged to take up the game after such a wonderful sporting spectacle, will be outnumbered by those leaving with an air of disillusionment as local cricket takes on the ambience of a streetfighting football match. Plus, by the time the next season starts I will be 58. I’m too old for all this.

Fun At The Fringe

Last weekend saw us heading to Edinburgh for the Fringe, or more specifically to see Ole perform in Saturday Night And Sunday Morning. He was already there – having performed 6 of his 8 shows, so it was just Sally, Zac and myself that set off from Whaley Bridge station. Fortunately the trains had resumed, and we reached Piccadilly with a minimum of fuss. When I booked the train tickets there was no way to reserve seats to Edinburgh, and this proved to be indicative of the shambolic service provided by TransPennine Express. Of course, Sally exploited this to the full, as the overcrowded train lurched from station to station. A family tried to convince her that they had reserved the seats that we were sitting in, but they had clearly not read my blog about the time she blagged first class seats as a previous train had been cancelled. “All reservations have been cancelled,” she said, and with such confidence that the family had no option other than to walk away.

Other passengers, also squatting in supposedly reserved seats, applauded her actions. We trundled through three and a half hours to the Scottish capital on a train no better than the one that goes from Buxton to Manchester, and we were glad to get off into the Edinburgh air that had more than just a hint of wacky baccy about it. Our Uber driver was clearly not a local, but we reached our Airbnb, dropped off our bags, and headed for the bright lights.

We met Ole after his Friday show and dashed across the street to Byron’s Burgers. They were ok – I’ve had better – but the Irn Bru was on top form (when in Scotland…).

You may have seen the cows in Manchester and the Frogs in Stockport, well Edinburgh has a lot of young boys, laughing, with their legs open. I have no idea why!

The following day we again hit the Fringe after a hearty Scottish breakfast at the Southern Cross Cafe, then took in a stand up show with Daniel Audritt. He is known for writing for Mock The Week and 8 Out Of 10 Cats, and it was an entertaining hour, albeit in uncomfortable seats. A few drinks and a game of poker passed the afternoon, then it was time for Ole’s show.

The Performance

The theatre was about 2/3 full, and the audience seemed appreciative. The cast were all sad but relieved that it was all over, and we decided to celebrate at Chez Jules. Unfortunately that restaurant was on the other side of town, and it was pouring down. We eventually flagged a taxi, and huddled in to the atmospheric French eaterie. Steak was popular, but Zac took the opportunity to devour a full lobster. Now, when Zac eats, he always eats the tastiest thing on his plate first, followed by the second most, etc. This showed me just how much he enjoyed the shellfish, as he devoured it before he even looked at his chips.

Sunday was home time, and we had to endure another painful experience with Trans Pennine Express. Once again seat reservations were discarded, and the train was hideously overcrowded. I guess that no one told them that the Fringe was on!

Zac has been on form, particularly with his new found love of poker. However, he’s not very good with his poker face, or “polka face” as his mum calls it. He needs to stop the cheesy grin when he has a good hand, and he needs to fold now and again.

Bad, Bad Whisky

Of course, in Edinburgh there were a lot of new sights and sounds. “I like whisky,” he said over dinner one night. “When have you had whisky?” asked his mum. “I’ve tasted it out of that bottle in the hall,” he said. “That’s sherry,” his mum replied.

And then there was the saga of the Microsoft points. Basically, he bought some points but did not know if the transaction had gone through, so he clicked again, and again, and again. Altogether, he overspent by about £130. He contacted Microsoft but they said it was up to Activision who made the COD games that the points are used for. So, he contacted Activision to no avail. Finally, he tried his bank, but HSBC were unable to help as he had authorised the transactions. “No problem,” said Zac. “When I have kids and they want to play COD, I’ll be able to say there’s £130 of COD points to get you started.”

Despite the cooking up at the football field I have still put a few dishes together at home, and I am particularly proud of a perfect dome that emerged when I made a steamed chocolate pudding!

I finally finished a piece of writing. The Hole is a sci-fi short story that I began several years ago. Here are the first few of chapters…

The Hole

I

              Little Tom Baker was quite possibly the only person to see the unusual occurrence that night, he was certainly the only one to mention it, and given that he was an eleven-year-old boy with a fertile imagination, it was quite likely that no one would have believed him anyway. But Little Tom had reason to remember. It was August 11^th, the day before his twelfth birthday, and with the excitement of tomorrow dancing around his head, sleep was the last thing on his mind. He so hoped that he would get the Crisp Ultima scooter. His old JD Bug was ok, but the new Crisp, with its shiny purple and chrome, was the real deal.

              His knees sank into the mattress on his bed as he eased himself upwards. The cold, unforgiving surface of his windowsill pressed into his elbows as he gazed out at the Renwick Community Skatepark.  His breath landed on the window, forming a fog that he smeared with an outstretched finger. The skatepark was just a hundred and fifty metres or so beyond his bedroom, across the well-kept football field that would soon be in regular use by Renwick Town Seniors and Juniors once again.

              The skatepark was empty, though the floodlights cast their brilliant light across the ramps on the far side of the dark, grassy expanse. Strange shadows struggled to survive under this unnatural glare, but there were one or two, skulking around the edges, where barriers crossed and steep ramps still afforded a place for darkness. His bedroom was built into the extension of the last semi-detached house on Oak Tree Drive, and Oak Tree Drive was the final cul-de-sac at the far end of his housing estate, where all of the roads were named after trees or bushes of some description. His was the only window that looked out towards the skatepark, except for the kitchen below, but the view from there was of a huge hedge of maturing laurel bushes, green and impenetrable; a thick, leafy wall.

              So, on that clear August night, there was only Little Tom Baker that saw the strange light that seemed to hover above the football field directly in front of his window. The light was almost white, but not quite, and it formed a perfect circle. It was like a full moon, but there was no moon in the sky. At first he thought that it might have been a new set of floodlights, but no. This was a different light. A controlled light. This was not just the battering ram impact of the floodlights, this was focussed into that perfect circle. It was just pure light. No fuzzing around the edges, a thin disc of solid creamy whiteness. He watched intently, wondering how long it had been there before he had noticed it, and trying to figure out exactly where it was. A hundred metres away? Ten metres away? The night was clear, and looking out was like standing at one end of a long, empty room. There was nothing to obscure the view, but that far wall was just out of reach, and the strange quality of the light made it difficult to judge distances. His only reference point was the skatepark that was flooded with light, but was this closer, or further away?

              A trick of the light, he thought, a phrase that he had heard before without actually knowing what it meant. As he pondered and squinted, somehow believing that narrowed eyes might improve his understanding, the light answered his unspoken questions by falling to the ground. Only it did not quite fall, it floated, and then it bounced like a ball unhindered by gravity. It bounced back up to its original height, and then it repeated, two, three, four times.

              What could it be? Little Tom wanted to go outside and investigate, but he knew that his mother would not allow it, so he knelt at his window, occasionally shifting his elbows as they numbed, transfixed by the light that now resumed its hover an unknown distance away from him, and an unknown height above the ground.

              The light struck the ground again, quivered for maybe a second, before rising slowly back into the night air. It then repeated the process, moving across the field in a random pattern. Its playing one of those Whack-A-Mole games, thought Tom. Where would it land next? Eventually it settled and did not move for some time. It did not separate itself from the ground; the sphere was flattening at the bottom, and then expanding again. It reminded Tom of school exercises, bending your knees before straightening up. Repeat until you are bored or the end of lesson bell goes, he thought, smiling. As he watched, he noticed that with each flattening of the sphere it grew smaller. No, that was not right, it was still the same size, but it was sinking, sinking into the earth. It became a perfect semi-circle. Half of it was gone, but it continued. Smaller and smaller, like a penny dropping into a money box, but there was no rattle as the penny hit the pile of other coins. When the final sliver of this light disappeared, it did so in silence.

              Little Tom Baker sat for a few moments longer, mystified at what he had just witnessed. Was it a balloon? Or maybe one of those Swiss balls like the one that his dad bought that sits unused in the garage? Was it someone in the field with a torch? As he dismissed each of these thoughts, a sense of urgency replaced them. He climbed off his bed and rushed downstairs. 

              “Mum, mum. There’s a light in the field. It was there and now its gone. Like a football, only bigger, and, and..”

              As the words poured out Little Tom struggled to make sense of them, and his father looked over at him with a knowing, contented smile.

              “Now, now, Tom,” his father was friendly but stern. “Back to bed, close your curtains and off to sleep. It’s a big day tomorrow.” He folded his newspaper and placed it on the side of his armchair, always a sign that his intentions were not to be questioned.

              “But I saw it,” Tom said, “it could be a UFO.”

              “Well if it is, I am sure we will hear about it on the news, now off to bed.”

              “But dad…mum, can you just have a look?”

              Mrs Baker edged to the window and drew back the net curtains. “Nothing there,” she said. “Now do as your dad says and off to bed.”

              Tom’s shoulders slumped and he turned to the door. He glanced back at his parents, but he knew that the fight was lost. “Night,” he said, and climbed the stairs. The light was gone, but it was there. He knew it. He saw it. It was a long time before he drifted off into a dream-filled sleep. Dreams of family parties, school lessons, strange lights, and broken toys.

II

              It was August 12^th when he next opened his eyes. The Glorious Twelfth his dad called it, which Tom thought was great until he discovered that this particular phrase was borrowed from the grouse shooting season that just happened to start on the same day. Twelve years old. Almost a teenager. Almost, but not quite, a master of his scooter. He threw on his dressing gown and raced down the stairs. His mum and dad were already there to greet him. A plate of toast and a large glass of orange juice waited for him, and he slowly opened the door to the lounge, taking care not to disturb the Happy Birthday banner that was strewn across it.

              Balloons danced across the floor on the breeze created by the opening door, and the centre of the room was filled with objects disguised in blue wrapping paper decorated with footballs. He knelt before the pile of presents, his gaze darting between the assortment of blue shapes that sat on the pale red carpet. There was a football, and some kind of a racquet, maybe tennis or badminton. Their shapes were obvious, but these were incidental. At the centre of the display, rising majestically above the other gifts, was the shape of a scooter. It had to be the Crisp Ultima. His parents would not know any other model, unless it was just another JD Bug.

              His hands tore at the paper. No sense of neatness or care; this gift wrap would not be reused. And there, gleaming, was a new Crisp Ultima. It seemed even more magnificent than the pictures in the catalogues and online shops. Even more cool than the one that his friend Johnny had received just one month earlier.

              He was speechless and breathless at the same time. His face shimmered, looking back at him from the chrome, and he turned to thank his mum and dad. Their expressions reflected his own joy, the shared pleasure of pre-teen birthdays.

              The remaining presents were opened with haste and politeness, but as his dad left to go to work, Little Tom Baker was already dressed and ready to ride the Crisp Ultima. He sometimes envied the kids that had their birthdays during school time. They got the adulation of all of their schoolfriends, and usually a mention from the teacher. Not today, though. Nothing could diminish his pride in his new scooter, and he could ride it all day.

III

              Tom placed his right foot on the plate of the scooter and pushed off with his left. The wheels were like marbles gliding soundlessly across a carpet. No noise, no friction, just smooth motion. He pushed again and turned towards the path that led into the park from Oak Tree Drive, where Christopher Johnson was balancing on his BMX bike.

              “Hey, you got it,” Chris said as Tom approached.

              “Yes,” said Tom. “Its everything I thought it would be. Come on, race you to the skate park.”

              “Ha, see you there,” said Chris.

              The scooter was great on paths and smooth surfaces, but the bike had the advantage. It could travel on any terrain, and Chris raced across the grassy football field towards the skatepark. That would prove to be fatal.

              Tom traced the tarmac around the perimeter of the field as Chris cut a direct line towards the skatepark. He realised that Chris would win easily, but even that could not dampen his spirits. He laughed, but then he glanced over to Chris who seemed to hit an invisible object and fall to the ground, leaving his bike at a grotesque angle with the front wheel spinning.

              Chris sat up and brushed his clothes with his hands. “Hey, look at this,” he beckoned Tom to join him on the grass.

              Tom stopped and began to wheel his scooter across the dewy field to where his friend sat. As he drew nearer, he saw that the uninterrupted green carpet was not as perfect as it first seemed. Chris got to his feet and stood about five metres away. Between the two of them there was a brown circle of grass about two metres across. Chris was standing on the edge of the circle and Tom stopped. He stared at it. It was perfectly round, and the colour of milk chocolate. Not scorched, just coloured. He felt nervous, though he was not sure why, and he certainly did not want to get any closer.

              “What is it?” he asked.

              “Dunno,” said Chris. He reached over the circle with his left foot, balancing unsteadily on his right. “Must be slippy or something, brought me off my bike.” His foot came down on the discoloured grass, and he fell backwards.

              “Woah! Must be some power line somewhere. I can feel it humming. Come and have a look.”

              “No – I’m staying away. Don’t want to get my new jeans dirty on their first day.” He laughed, but really he was glad of the excuse. There was something not quite right about this patch of ground sitting in sharp contrast to the otherwise flawless emerald blanket.

              A loud thud interrupted them. It was a dead sound, one that started and ended quickly, with no echo, like a foot kicking a ball. Within the brown circle it was obvious where the sound had come from. A large pigeon had fallen from the sky and lay on the discoloured grass, quite dead.

              Tom instinctively looked up, but other than wispy clouds meandering across the clear blue sky he saw nothing. Christopher raised himself onto his hands and feet and edged backwards, like an ungainly crab evading a seagull.

Let me know if you enjoyed it – and I will add more chapters in the next edition.

Speaking of writing, I will eventually turn my attention back to Clickbait. In the meantime, the presence of Clickbait on Facebook shows no signs of abating. This is the latest offer designed to get you to like and share and generally give up your details to a fake advertisement!

Regulars to Whaley Bridge will know that Cloud Wine has closed. Zac was quite disappointed at this, as it was a regular stopping off point for snacks and other stuff. Anyway, mum asked what he thought it should be, and he answered without hesitation. “A strip club.” I’m not sure the residents of Horwich End would approve!

Finally, I have some very exciting news about Ole, but I am reluctant to share it until it gets Tweeted! Stay tuned!

November 21, 2018 by Mike Madden

Findmyiphone? Findmypast!

Sometimes its Zac that causes me the most consternation, sometimes its Ole. Sometimes its both of them. Throw in a healthy dollop of Gabi and Sally and, well, life can certainly get complicated.

This week it was definitely Ole!

I was a bit under the weather after a long week in Leeds and the onset of a cold, so I looked forward to a relaxing Saturday morning. I woke up at around 8.30, and my bleary eyes showed a message on the lock screen of my phone. It was Ole.

The message was sent via Facebook Messenger, which is not unusual, but the message was surprisingly eloquent.

Hi dad, I went out with the flat tonight and left my phone stupidly in an Uber and I’m trying to get it back, I’ve called all the help lines but they’re all offline so can you contact me through Facebook – I’m trying to retrieve it asap. Sorry.

Ok – so I might have corrected some punctuation, and its not the most grammatically correct that it could be, but it was sent at 4.56am which probably also explains why the help lines were offline. No plea for help – I suspect that the very presence of the message was meant to trigger my assistance. I switched on FINDMYIPHONE, a very useful app that located Sally’s lost phone at Drinkwater’s back in the day. It showed that the phone was quite low on battery, but not moving, and it was somewhere just off Kingsway. I then accessed Ole’s email and saw his Uber receipt – driver’s name Javaid.

I sat down with a cup of coffee and pondered what to do next. I could wait until Ole got up, but that would be mid afternoon by which time the phone might have moved. I could ring him, but he has no phone! Sally suggested ringing two of his mates. Ethan answered somewhat tiredly, but it was still only 8.45! He wasn’t with Ole – but he knew he had lost his phone. Bruce didn’t answer. I checked the app again and the phone had still not moved. So, I decided to go and find it myself. The streets were deserted, except for parents taking their children to sporting, dance and other recreational activities, and it looked like a nice day for it. My satnav took me all the way along Kingsway towards Levenshulme, and where the road splits it is quite a nice area. I saw an Uber parked in a driveway, and sure enough FINDMYIPHONE was pointing right at it. I peered through the window, wondering what the twitching curtains of the neighbours would make of my approach, but there was no sign of the phone. Probably under a seat, I thought. The badge in the Uber was of Javaid, so that was a relief – no one else had picked the phone up, but it was only 9.30, Javaid had probably been in bed just a couple of hours, and would not want waking. I knocked gently on the front door. No answer. I sat back in my car and pondered some more. A lady walked past, veered towards Javaid’s house, then veered away again. I penned a note, leaving my number, and posted it through the letterbox. Minutes later I was on my way home.

That afternoon Ole connected through Facetime. It was around 2pm. I told him that I had found his phone and he needed to pick it up. He told me that Uber had a process that had to be followed for lost property. The chat ended and then the messages began.

Ole: Whats your number?

I gave him the number thinking he would call on someone else’s phone, but no.

Ole: I’ve given them your number.

Me: Who?

Ole: Uber

Me: What for?

At this point I got a call from a number that I did not recognise, so I cancelled it

Ole: So they can call you

Me: I think they just did

Ole: Well call them back

Me: I can’t – its blocked from incoming calls.

I then explained that there was no point Uber calling me as they would probably want the person whose phone it was – so it would be best giving them the number of someone in the house so Ole could be there too.

Ole: No one is up

I did not respond to that

Ole: Hang on – I’ll see.

Messages stopped but then resumed again when he had given Uber Sinead’s number, but they had not called her.

I went in to the garden to brush up leaves, a very soothing process after communicating with Ole!

A short time later my phone rang – it was Javaid. What a nice man. He confirmed that he had the phone and Ole could pick it up any time before 4.

I contacted Ole.

Ole: How am I going to get there?

Me: Errr – public transport?

Ole: That will take ages.

Me: An Uber?

Ole: It says 35 minutes – that will cost a fortune

Me: A lift?

Ole: I’ll message Tristan, but he might not answer. We don’t communicate on here normally. Hang on – he will take me but not now.

Me: And…?

Ole: He can take me after midnight.

Me: What about tomorrow?

Ole: Yes – he can do it tomorrow.

I confirmed the arrangements with Javaid and all was well that ended well.

Big plus to Javaid and the wonders of FINDMYIPHONE, but for Ole – hmmm! You decide!

I reckon the FINDMY… generic group of apps could be a winner, for instance FINDMYWAYHOME where your house emits a homing beam that your phone can pick up and guide you home, or FINDMYSANITY where you can pinpoint the exact point that you descended in to madness and which of your children finally pushed you over the edge (probably all three!)

Anyway, I taunted Ole with a picture of a freshly steamed chocolate pudding that he was missing out on!

And while on the subject of all things culinary – Sally visited Albert and Jane Harris last week – these two sprightly pensioners were brewing up, and Sally thought she would help. Albert’s brew was an Oxo cube in a mug of hot water, which Sally mistook for coffee. Albert was less than impressed when she poured milk in it.

I have three sisters. One has three boys, one has two boys, and one has one boy. That is six cousins for Ole, Zac and Gabi. A couple of weeks ago, the six cousins and Ole went out in Essex. Ole was constantly reminded by just about everyone that his mum had asked them to look after him. “Don’t worry about me – I’ll drink them all under the table,” he complained. The previous night Gabi went out with friends and got hideously drunk. So by Saturday night I was messaging Ole to ask “are you drunk yet?”, and Gabi to find out “are you sober yet?”.

I think I have brought them up well!

Halloween was a bit of a damp squib! I know it rained a bit, but we had chocolate skulls, pumpkin carvings, scary glow stick eyes in the hedge, mini skeletons climbing up the walls, and a projector with scary videos and soundtrack. Not a single Halloween visitor. Not one. Maybe it was too scary! Maybe I’ll just keep it all up until Christmas! Maybe next year I’ll make sure its visible all over Whaley.

A shoutout to Zac’s football team. Whaley Bridge Under 15s are performing well and perhaps not getting the results that their effort deserves (except for a huge win over local rivals Chinley). So, hats off to Dranny, John and Ros (never underestimate the value of admin) – and here’s hoping the second half of the season brings many more points.

When Ole is away we make all the same food – just in a way that suits us. When he is back, we generally revert to what he likes. And there are certain foods that he definitely does NOT like.

He turned up unannounced a couple of weeks ago and his favourite chilli dish was quite wrong. “All of a sudden its ok to put mushrooms in chilli – the worlds gone mad,” he complained.

That wasn’t the end of his problems that weekend. On his return journey he boarded the train at Whaley Bridge for Salford. He got asked for a ticket somewhere near Stockport, and said that when he got on at Davenport there was no ticket machine! Davenport? More of that later. He offered to buy a ticket with his railcard, but the collector smelt a rat. He said he would have to pay full fare from Davenport to Salford, and he should consider this as a warning. Next time it would be £100 fine. Ole was outraged. I always get a ticket from Davenport and never had a problem. Much swearing and cussing followed, until I pointed out that the cost of a railcard reduced single from Whaley Bridge to Salford was still more than a full fare from Davenport to Salford, so he had still conned the railways and was in profit. He didn’t quite want to see the logic in that.

A blast from the past from Whatsapp the other day, as one of my first mentors, Bernice, sent me this trip down memory lane.

Anyone who has read The History Of (My) Coding will know that I played a lot of cricket, wrote a lot of match reports, and created a lot of stats in the 11 years or so that I was at the brewery – if you have not read it you can find it here.

The History Of (My) Coding

The end of the season at York Races came and went – with Sally finishing the final meeting with no less than THREE badges. There was her members badge, an owner’s badge, and a restaurant badge. I wonder if she can go one better next season?

Zac is a bit of a whizz at badminton, but this term for PE he has chosen basketball. He’s not too happy with it and wants to change. His choices are hockey or table tennis. He’s not bad at table tennis – many hours playing in the garden with Ole have honed his skills. However, he is likely to choose hockey. The reason, “there are only gay guys and girls that play table tennis,” he said. Now, this is not some form of homophobia or sexism, he genuinely believes that those two groups would not match his own talents around a ping pong table.

More bad news for Zac – Sally got stuck in Buxton waiting for her car to be fixed when Zac came out of school. He didn’t have a key. He called mum who went in to a panic. She called Helen who picked her up and they abandoned the Range Rover at the garage. As they pulled into the driveway, Zac was sat on the step with a face like thunder. He greeted them with his trademark upward nod of the head (think Caribbean!) Helen point blank refused to go inside the house. “You’ll have to make him sausages,” she said, ushering Sally out of the car. Later that night he was at football training, and the final indignity was having to get a lift in Ole’s car. It was a bad day!

I lost my business banking secure key – so had to get a new one. I then had to get my credentials reset. HSBC reckon that is dead easy! Here is what their website says!

We need to reset your security details because you’ve forgotten more than one of your credentials. Resetting your details is quick and easy – simply answer the questions on the following screen and then print and fax the form to us.

Alternatively the form may be taken to your local branch.

Its Thanksgiving weekend, which means Black Friday and Cyber Monday. To celebrate, I’ve made four of my books free on Kindle – click the links below from 8am Thursday morning. If you download one – I would really, really, really appreciate an Amazon review.